Mood

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This song started streaming as I drove home from my run just now.  And of course, I thought of you while tears streamed down my face.  You always told me how beautiful I was.  I can feel you around me right now, surrounded by your sweet words.  Your beautiful declarations to my inner beauty and strength.  I can still remember every word you wrote to me…

 

Your intelligence and beauty shines through

A beauty that was eternal and no one could take away from you

A beauty that is only going to get better with time

A beauty that brings out the best in others

A beauty that makes the lives around you exponentially better

A beauty that inspires others

A beauty that is inherently a part of who you are

 

 

…and then the light changes.  And I’m snapped out of remembering your words.  And us.  And the pure vulnerability we shared.  I start driving yet again, half reminiscing- half listening back to the lyrics of this song.  Then the tears come on in full force as the last line is sung.  Life- and a great love story.  It always ends like this doesn’t it?

You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful, it’s true
There must be an angel with a smile on her face
When she thought up that I should be with you
But it’s time to face the truth
I will never be with you

Raw

Go stand on your island
Where you are all alone
Not seeing hearts broken
Or hearing wails or moans

Go stand on your island
Wrapped up in your fears
Knowing love is lost
And now covered in tears

Go stand on your island
Where you are safe and sound
Identity protected
Self-made walls abound

Go stand on your island
Where you only see what you see
Perspective is skewed
No consideration of longevity

Go stand on your island
With true identity masked
Hiding from consequences
That will always haunt you and last

Go stand on your island
Continue to pray
As the memories play out
During night and during day

Go stand on your island
You have nothing to fear
No skin in the game
Fake love fake mirrors

Go stand on your island
And stare out from the shore
Watching the tides changing
Drowning in sorrow forever more

Go stand on your island
Free from true vulnerability
No real hope
For growth and complexity

Go stand on your island
And watch the sun slowly set
Hearing my voice cry
I can’t believe we never met

Endings

 

My heart breaks for what could have been.  So many dreams left unfulfilled.  So many moments never shared. Birds have always appeared during transitional times of my life.  I wrote about these green parrots in a few of my blog posts five years ago.  I would watch them descend upon our neighborhood trees and think, “I wish I could fly- just like those birds.”

This blog has certainly been a journey for me.  I’ve made good friends- some are actually best friends now- because of my story telling and raw vulnerability.  My affair with CEO crippled me for years.  Despite putting my best foot forward in my marriage and creating a fulfilling life in so many ways, my affair stole my confidence and inner beauty.  My sorrow manifested in me by being closed off.   I was afraid of relationships and kept everyone at a distance because if they knew the real Kate- and how I had had an affair with a married man- that somehow they would reject me, hate me, loathe me and despise me.  The irony in that self hatred, is that now that five years has passed, I’ve stepped forward and revealed my true self to many people.  Even strangers.  And the irony is- despite my self loathing, not one of them ever rejected me.

They know the whole story.  They know every gritty detail. They love me more for my brutal honesty.  They love me more because of my true vulnerability in being open and transparent about my marriage problems and about my inner needs as a 40+ year old woman.  It’s created meaningful connections.  True connections.  And as one great friend said: love isn’t black and white.  Anyone that thinks that way has dead bodies in their basements.  You can’t  take criticism from people that aren’t in the arena of living brave, authentic, vulnerable lives.

I thank all the special people that I met through my blog and are genuine friends now.  You’ve each played a part in supporting me over the years.  Some obviously more than others.  And I love each and every one of you for it.

 

****

Two hearts, one valve
Pumpin’ the blood, we were the flood
We were the body and
Two lives, one life
Stickin’ it out, lettin’ you down
Makin’ it right
Seasons, they will change
Life will make you grow
Dreams will make you cry, cry, cry
Everything is temporary
Everything will slide
Love will never die, die, die
I know that ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, I hope to see you again
Sunsets, sunrises
Livin’ the dream, watchin’ the leaves
Changin’ the seasons
Some nights I think of you
Relivin’ the past, wishin’ it’d last
Wishin’ and dreamin’
Seasons, they will change
Life will make you grow
Death can make you hard, hard, hard
Everything is temporary
Everything will slide
Love will never die, die, die
I know that ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, I hope to see you again
Ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high
When the moon is lookin’ dark
Shine that light up for your ground
I’m flyin’ up to let you see
That the shadow cast is me
I know that ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, I hope to see you again
Ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high