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Wellness

The last few weeks have been some of the most emotional on record.  Although mentally, I can keep everything in perspective and let logic rule my decision making.  Deeper below in my subconscious, it’s affecting me and my health now.

The first thing it affected was my sleep.  I started having fragmented sleep patterns whereby I would wake up at 1:30 AM, 2:20  AM, 3:30 AM (the witching hour I always say and spiritually, I know that’s the devil fucking with me).  Next to happen?  My feet started experiencing pins and needles again.  Low level.  Mostly on my left. It’s annoying as hell, so I’m spending more time pounding the pavement.  Keeping my peripheral nerves functioning as best they can.  For some reason, I believe I can control that symptom simply by exhausting it.  Kinda works- until night falls and that’s usually when I feel it most.

Next, the tip of my left ear started tingling again.  That one fucking annoys me, as its on my head and I just have to do everything I can to keep myself distracted.   I really need to double down on my nutrition and re-start my supplements.  I just can’t be bothered to take care of myself right now.  Making an anti-inflammatory smoothie and cleaning up all that mess seems entirely exhausting right now.  So I hit Whole Foods and although that’s a good secondary option, it  doesn’t have all the ingredients (the important ones too) that I need to turn off the inflammatory cascade system whichever I know has been triggered.

Stress….it always does this to me.  Which is why I lead a very stress free existence.  That’s not to say I live in some bubble. But I do manage my life in such a way, that I’m not continually pushing my endorphins and dopamine receptors to their highs and lows.  Somehow, it interacts with autoimmune systems.  I don’t care what the fucking doctors know as if today.  As a woman dealing with this, I know it’s a contributing factor. Which is why, I keep stress to a minimum.

And then there is my weight.  I’m dropping weight again.  I’ve had two people say, “Kate have you lost weight?  You look thinner since the last time I saw you.”  My mileage is pretty much the same .  But days go by and I realize by 9 pm that all I’ve had is a latte and green smoothie.  And I’m not even hungry.  My size 4 shorts are hanging on me.  I hadn’t been wearing my size 2’s in a while as they were more snug.  Now, I’m back into my 2’s.  And my jeans are loose in places they weren’t just last month.

And then there is my joints.  I can feel there’s is a tightness to them.  It’s not everyday.  But it comes and goes.  All of these symptoms do.

But it’s walking a tight rope here.  And I know I could be doing a better job on the health front.  I just feel like snuggling on the sofa, with the love of my life…and letting all this stress melt away.  Which in turn, will make all of this stop.

Logic says: that ain’t happening.  And the only person who is going to fix this- is you. I just need to pull myself out of this long enough to hammer my body with nutrition again.  The last thing I want is my kids losing their mother again for an entire summer.

Or worse- having another attack.

 

Endings

 

My heart breaks for what could have been.  So many dreams left unfulfilled.  So many moments never shared. Birds have always appeared during transitional times of my life.  I wrote about these green parrots in a few of my blog posts five years ago.  I would watch them descend upon our neighborhood trees and think, “I wish I could fly- just like those birds.”

This blog has certainly been a journey for me.  I’ve made good friends- some are actually best friends now- because of my story telling and raw vulnerability.  My affair with CEO crippled me for years.  Despite putting my best foot forward in my marriage and creating a fulfilling life in so many ways, my affair stole my confidence and inner beauty.  My sorrow manifested in me by being closed off.   I was afraid of relationships and kept everyone at a distance because if they knew the real Kate- and how I had had an affair with a married man- that somehow they would reject me, hate me, loathe me and despise me.  The irony in that self hatred, is that now that five years has passed, I’ve stepped forward and revealed my true self to many people.  Even strangers.  And the irony is- despite my self loathing, not one of them ever rejected me.

They know the whole story.  They know every gritty detail. They love me more for my brutal honesty.  They love me more because of my true vulnerability in being open and transparent about my marriage problems and about my inner needs as a 40+ year old woman.  It’s created meaningful connections.  True connections.  And as one great friend said: love isn’t black and white.  Anyone that thinks that way has dead bodies in their basements.  You can’t  take criticism from people that aren’t in the arena of living brave, authentic, vulnerable lives.

I thank all the special people that I met through my blog and are genuine friends now.  You’ve each played a part in supporting me over the years.  Some obviously more than others.  And I love each and every one of you for it.

 

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Two hearts, one valve
Pumpin’ the blood, we were the flood
We were the body and
Two lives, one life
Stickin’ it out, lettin’ you down
Makin’ it right
Seasons, they will change
Life will make you grow
Dreams will make you cry, cry, cry
Everything is temporary
Everything will slide
Love will never die, die, die
I know that ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, I hope to see you again
Sunsets, sunrises
Livin’ the dream, watchin’ the leaves
Changin’ the seasons
Some nights I think of you
Relivin’ the past, wishin’ it’d last
Wishin’ and dreamin’
Seasons, they will change
Life will make you grow
Death can make you hard, hard, hard
Everything is temporary
Everything will slide
Love will never die, die, die
I know that ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, I hope to see you again
Ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high
When the moon is lookin’ dark
Shine that light up for your ground
I’m flyin’ up to let you see
That the shadow cast is me
I know that ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, I hope to see you again
Ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high