Recovery – two cheating hearts

I think life has caught up to me. I’ve been keeping myself so busy, which I recognize is some form of self protection after the assault. However, its unrealistic to go forever at this speed. I’ve been micro-managing every moment of my day, juggling an insane amount of things to do- perhaps to keep my mind off of everything. I’ve been running endless miles, and climbing indoors- which floods my body with adrenaline and endorphins. I haven’t felt this level of exhaustion in a long, long while.

I think I mentioned, one of my autoimmune symptoms returned after the assault. I’ve been trying to ignore it-but yesterdays fatigue hit me hard. The harsh reality is I do have limits. And I need to listen to my body.

So after getting the kids from school, I laid down in bed. I didn’t help them with their homework, writing, or spelling. I didn’t drive them to soccer, or referee their arguing over who got to have what. I just threw a pillow over my head and crashed hard. My body was screaming at me to shut down, until I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep. I woke up in a haze, with Zane squishing his face next to mine, asking if it was his turn to have the iPad now. Life certainly doesn’t give Moms a break for long…

Today, I drove the kids to school. Grabbed a coffee. And am laying on the sofa in complete silence. My body needs it. I haven’t done this in years friends. Really, I haven’t. I feel like I am playing hooky on my life being this still. It feels very strange to do nothing. Every little noise seems magnified. Part of me always freaks out, thinking someone may be trying to break in. Yet, its just the sounds of our new neighbors going through their side gate. I don’t hear these sounds normally. I’m usually running at this hour, or busy working on some project. To be enveloped in stillness, and present in my surroundings, isn’t something I practice enough. Today is the day, I break that streak.

I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had a chance to respond to the readers asking for the password to my protected posts. Since I’ve never seen you comment on my blog before, nor have I ever communicated with you prior, I can’t provide it. My story about CEO is still public, so you can follow that storyline. But I’m only sharing about my assault privately. Trust is a hard thing for me to extend, especially now. I hope you can understand. Just know, I’ve hired an attorney, so everything is in his hands. Part of me wanted to ignore what happened. To forget everything that I went through. One day, I finally broke down in tears telling my husband, “I don’t want to compartmentalize what happened to me, like I compartmentalized my relationship with CEO. I need to work through this- to heal”

So I found a therapist.

And I saw her last Friday.

I haven’t seen one since my husband confessed to cheating on me. Feels weird being in an office with a stranger answering tons of personal questions I wouldn’t normally talk about. But she is an expert in trauma. So I’m likely in good hands. We haven’t spoken about the assault yet. Just tons of personal info.

It’s baby steps for now.

But I see her again this Friday.

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It’s been a hell of a week.

I can’t write about what happened. And I can’t talk to friends (when I do, everything flashes back before my eyes). But I’ve consulted a lawyer and likely will be hiring him shortly.

I’m a pretty strong woman- a fighter no doubt. But twice in my life, I’ve become paralyzed in the face of a dangerous situation. The first time, two men were trying to break into my flat in London when I heard noises outside my window. I woke up, and saw a mans hands entering my window that was slightly ajar. I froze and couldn’t get up out of my bed. It’s like my body became instantly paralyzed.

I hadn’t thought of that happening in years. But it came back to me shortly after the incident last week. Both times, I had huge amounts of adrenaline coursing through my veins. I talked to my husband about it. And how I travel with the kids to off the beaten places. Like what the fuck would I do, if someone ever approached us when we are literally in the middle of nowhere. How would I protect them? And don’t suggest guns. I already tried that once. And I couldn’t really handle shooting a weapon. It’s something I don’t think I would ever get comfortable doing. Nor could I ever see myself buying a handgun. So guns are out.

The next idea was this: I need to get comfortable with huge amounts of adrenaline. I have to retrain my body. I can’t allow it to become paralyzed when the adrenaline kicks in.

I have a major fear of heights that seems to have developed sometime in the last decade. Its the only thing I could think of whereby I am fearful. And when adrenaline hits.

So….

I have started climbing. Indoors for now. I took a class and went up on my first course. I got maybe half way up when bam!- I became completely frozen again. Everything got blurry. My heart was racing so fast I could hear it through my ears. My palms got sweaty and I clung to that wall, until I could yell, “Tension”- which is what you say when you want to start lowering down.

I stared at the wall, from the safety of the ground, not ready to unhook myself. I HAVE to conquer this damn wall, right now., I thought. Back up you go. I went back up, this time feeling the adrenaline at about the same height as before. I closed my eyes, and breathed. Calmed my heartbeat down. Then focused on where I was going to grab next. And up I went, all the way to the top.

The climbing gym has tons of different routes, each with their own degree of difficulty. By the end of that day, I had done a level 8. I don’t know how many actual feet I was off the ground, but it was high.

And I was hooked.

I came back to the gym yesterday, this time taking the kids with me. And I completed a level 9, with a bit of a ledge to get over (trust me, its challenging). I also attempted a 10a, but needed tension to hold me at several junctions while I problem solved how to maneuver up.

It’s a start. I’m conditioning myself to get comfortable with constant surges of adrenaline. It’s my therapy. I don’t know if going to an actual therapist will truly help me. Talking about the incident keeps it alive in my mind. So I’ve decided to try this new idea and see if this technique will help me- should anything dangerous happen in the future.

I figure the worst that can happen is I end up with a set of ripped arms.