I think life has caught up to me. I’ve been keeping myself so busy, which I recognize is some form of self protection after the assault. However, its unrealistic to go forever at this speed. I’ve been micro-managing every moment of my day, juggling an insane amount of things to do- perhaps to keep my mind off of everything. I’ve been running endless miles, and climbing indoors- which floods my body with adrenaline and endorphins. I haven’t felt this level of exhaustion in a long, long while.
I think I mentioned, one of my autoimmune symptoms returned after the assault. I’ve been trying to ignore it-but yesterdays fatigue hit me hard. The harsh reality is I do have limits. And I need to listen to my body.
So after getting the kids from school, I laid down in bed. I didn’t help them with their homework, writing, or spelling. I didn’t drive them to soccer, or referee their arguing over who got to have what. I just threw a pillow over my head and crashed hard. My body was screaming at me to shut down, until I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep. I woke up in a haze, with Zane squishing his face next to mine, asking if it was his turn to have the iPad now. Life certainly doesn’t give Moms a break for long…
Today, I drove the kids to school. Grabbed a coffee. And am laying on the sofa in complete silence. My body needs it. I haven’t done this in years friends. Really, I haven’t. I feel like I am playing hooky on my life being this still. It feels very strange to do nothing. Every little noise seems magnified. Part of me always freaks out, thinking someone may be trying to break in. Yet, its just the sounds of our new neighbors going through their side gate. I don’t hear these sounds normally. I’m usually running at this hour, or busy working on some project. To be enveloped in stillness, and present in my surroundings, isn’t something I practice enough. Today is the day, I break that streak.
I’ve been so busy, I haven’t had a chance to respond to the readers asking for the password to my protected posts. Since I’ve never seen you comment on my blog before, nor have I ever communicated with you prior, I can’t provide it. My story about CEO is still public, so you can follow that storyline. But I’m only sharing about my assault privately. Trust is a hard thing for me to extend, especially now. I hope you can understand. Just know, I’ve hired an attorney, so everything is in his hands. Part of me wanted to ignore what happened. To forget everything that I went through. One day, I finally broke down in tears telling my husband, “I don’t want to compartmentalize what happened to me, like I compartmentalized my relationship with CEO. I need to work through this- to heal”
So I found a therapist.
And I saw her last Friday.
I haven’t seen one since my husband confessed to cheating on me. Feels weird being in an office with a stranger answering tons of personal questions I wouldn’t normally talk about. But she is an expert in trauma. So I’m likely in good hands. We haven’t spoken about the assault yet. Just tons of personal info.
It’s baby steps for now.
But I see her again this Friday.