Goodbye

 

You were my best friend.  And then you ripped my heart out and walked away. Destroying my heart in my process.  How you could just walk away after everything we shared is beyond me.  You were callous and ice cold to me.  You would have been kinder to an absolute stranger than you were to me that fateful day.

I’ll never see your face.  I’ll never watch the light dance in your eyes as I walk up to you and find you staring back at me, with a smile on your face. I’ll never feel your hand hold mine.  Or hear your laugh.  Or share hours in bed with you fulfilling each other’s fantasies.  Writing to one another- engaging each other’s minds.

I’ll never love anyone like you.

 

Raw

Go stand on your island
Where you are all alone
Not seeing hearts broken
Or hearing wails or moans

Go stand on your island
Wrapped up in your fears
Knowing love is lost
And now covered in tears

Go stand on your island
Where you are safe and sound
Identity protected
Self-made walls abound

Go stand on your island
Where you only see what you see
Perspective is skewed
No consideration of longevity

Go stand on your island
With true identity masked
Hiding from consequences
That will always haunt you and last

Go stand on your island
Continue to pray
As the memories play out
During night and during day

Go stand on your island
You have nothing to fear
No skin in the game
Fake love fake mirrors

Go stand on your island
And stare out from the shore
Watching the tides changing
Drowning in sorrow forever more

Go stand on your island
Free from true vulnerability
No real hope
For growth and complexity

Go stand on your island
And watch the sun slowly set
Hearing my voice cry
I can’t believe we never met

Endings

 

My heart breaks for what could have been.  So many dreams left unfulfilled.  So many moments never shared. Birds have always appeared during transitional times of my life.  I wrote about these green parrots in a few of my blog posts five years ago.  I would watch them descend upon our neighborhood trees and think, “I wish I could fly- just like those birds.”

This blog has certainly been a journey for me.  I’ve made good friends- some are actually best friends now- because of my story telling and raw vulnerability.  My affair with CEO crippled me for years.  Despite putting my best foot forward in my marriage and creating a fulfilling life in so many ways, my affair stole my confidence and inner beauty.  My sorrow manifested in me by being closed off.   I was afraid of relationships and kept everyone at a distance because if they knew the real Kate- and how I had had an affair with a married man- that somehow they would reject me, hate me, loathe me and despise me.  The irony in that self hatred, is that now that five years has passed, I’ve stepped forward and revealed my true self to many people.  Even strangers.  And the irony is- despite my self loathing, not one of them ever rejected me.

They know the whole story.  They know every gritty detail. They love me more for my brutal honesty.  They love me more because of my true vulnerability in being open and transparent about my marriage problems and about my inner needs as a 40+ year old woman.  It’s created meaningful connections.  True connections.  And as one great friend said: love isn’t black and white.  Anyone that thinks that way has dead bodies in their basements.  You can’t  take criticism from people that aren’t in the arena of living brave, authentic, vulnerable lives.

I thank all the special people that I met through my blog and are genuine friends now.  You’ve each played a part in supporting me over the years.  Some obviously more than others.  And I love each and every one of you for it.

 

****

Two hearts, one valve
Pumpin’ the blood, we were the flood
We were the body and
Two lives, one life
Stickin’ it out, lettin’ you down
Makin’ it right
Seasons, they will change
Life will make you grow
Dreams will make you cry, cry, cry
Everything is temporary
Everything will slide
Love will never die, die, die
I know that ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, I hope to see you again
Sunsets, sunrises
Livin’ the dream, watchin’ the leaves
Changin’ the seasons
Some nights I think of you
Relivin’ the past, wishin’ it’d last
Wishin’ and dreamin’
Seasons, they will change
Life will make you grow
Death can make you hard, hard, hard
Everything is temporary
Everything will slide
Love will never die, die, die
I know that ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, I hope to see you again
Ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high
When the moon is lookin’ dark
Shine that light up for your ground
I’m flyin’ up to let you see
That the shadow cast is me
I know that ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, I hope to see you again
Ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high