This song started streaming as I drove home from my run just now.  And of course, I thought of you while tears streamed down my face.  You always told me how beautiful I was.  I can feel you around me right now, surrounded by your sweet words.  Your beautiful declarations to my inner beauty and strength.  I can still remember every word you wrote to me…


Your intelligence and beauty shines through

A beauty that was eternal and no one could take away from you

A beauty that is only going to get better with time

A beauty that brings out the best in others

A beauty that makes the lives around you exponentially better

A beauty that inspires others

A beauty that is inherently a part of who you are



…and then the light changes.  And I’m snapped out of remembering your words.  And us.  And the pure vulnerability we shared.  I start driving yet again, half reminiscing- half listening back to the lyrics of this song.  Then the tears come on in full force as the last line is sung.  Life- and a great love story.  It always ends like this doesn’t it?

You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful
You’re beautiful, it’s true
There must be an angel with a smile on her face
When she thought up that I should be with you
But it’s time to face the truth
I will never be with you


Go stand on your island
Where you are all alone
Not seeing hearts broken
Or hearing wails or moans

Go stand on your island
Wrapped up in your fears
Knowing love is lost
And now covered in tears

Go stand on your island
Where you are safe and sound
Identity protected
Self-made walls abound

Go stand on your island
Where you only see what you see
Perspective is skewed
No consideration of longevity

Go stand on your island
With true identity masked
Hiding from consequences
That will always haunt you and last

Go stand on your island
Continue to pray
As the memories play out
During night and during day

Go stand on your island
You have nothing to fear
No skin in the game
Fake love fake mirrors

Go stand on your island
And stare out from the shore
Watching the tides changing
Drowning in sorrow forever more

Go stand on your island
Free from true vulnerability
No real hope
For growth and complexity

Go stand on your island
And watch the sun slowly set
Hearing my voice cry
I can’t believe we never met


The last few weeks have been some of the most emotional on record.  Although mentally, I can keep everything in perspective and let logic rule my decision making.  Deeper below in my subconscious, it’s affecting me and my health now.

The first thing it affected was my sleep.  I started having fragmented sleep patterns whereby I would wake up at 1:30 AM, 2:20  AM, 3:30 AM (the witching hour I always say and spiritually, I know that’s the devil fucking with me).  Next to happen?  My feet started experiencing pins and needles again.  Low level.  Mostly on my left. It’s annoying as hell, so I’m spending more time pounding the pavement.  Keeping my peripheral nerves functioning as best they can.  For some reason, I believe I can control that symptom simply by exhausting it.  Kinda works- until night falls and that’s usually when I feel it most.

Next, the tip of my left ear started tingling again.  That one fucking annoys me, as its on my head and I just have to do everything I can to keep myself distracted.   I really need to double down on my nutrition and re-start my supplements.  I just can’t be bothered to take care of myself right now.  Making an anti-inflammatory smoothie and cleaning up all that mess seems entirely exhausting right now.  So I hit Whole Foods and although that’s a good secondary option, it  doesn’t have all the ingredients (the important ones too) that I need to turn off the inflammatory cascade system whichever I know has been triggered.

Stress….it always does this to me.  Which is why I lead a very stress free existence.  That’s not to say I live in some bubble. But I do manage my life in such a way, that I’m not continually pushing my endorphins and dopamine receptors to their highs and lows.  Somehow, it interacts with autoimmune systems.  I don’t care what the fucking doctors know as if today.  As a woman dealing with this, I know it’s a contributing factor. Which is why, I keep stress to a minimum.

And then there is my weight.  I’m dropping weight again.  I’ve had two people say, “Kate have you lost weight?  You look thinner since the last time I saw you.”  My mileage is pretty much the same .  But days go by and I realize by 9 pm that all I’ve had is a latte and green smoothie.  And I’m not even hungry.  My size 4 shorts are hanging on me.  I hadn’t been wearing my size 2’s in a while as they were more snug.  Now, I’m back into my 2’s.  And my jeans are loose in places they weren’t just last month.

And then there is my joints.  I can feel there’s is a tightness to them.  It’s not everyday.  But it comes and goes.  All of these symptoms do.

But it’s walking a tight rope here.  And I know I could be doing a better job on the health front.  I just feel like snuggling on the sofa, with the love of my life…and letting all this stress melt away.  Which in turn, will make all of this stop.

Logic says: that ain’t happening.  And the only person who is going to fix this- is you. I just need to pull myself out of this long enough to hammer my body with nutrition again.  The last thing I want is my kids losing their mother again for an entire summer.

Or worse- having another attack.