Cravings

That evening, after meeting Niall for the very first time, I went home and had a highly erotic evening with my husband.  The exact details evade me, as my memory is a little hazy (it has been several years since any of this has transpired).  But I’m pretty certain, I led the charge.  A naked wife standing in the hallway, wearing nothing but a pair of Louboutin’s is hard to miss.

I do recall standing there- legs parted, throbbing and swollen with desire- wanting to be fucked hard and deep all night long.  I wanted his mouth clutched against my labia, tracing his tongue around my clit, flicking me to desire. Once my husband looked up from his computer screen, and saw me standing there-he quickly followed me back into our bedroom where I proceeded to orgasm multiple times that night.

…all while thinking of Niall.

****
Good Morning 🙂

Glad you are having mind blowing sex.  How was it last night? Kidding.

As for my fantasies and what I’m missing with my wife… She is not uninhibited when it comes to sex. She likes it hard and from multiple positions (and often), but just not dirty. For example, she has never sent me arousing photos, buys simple sexy lingerie, doesn’t really like to play with herself, etc..

Here is just a touch that I crave for…

  • I want to be at work and receive/send dirty texts and pictures keeping each other aroused and mind racing for what will come when we see each other next.
  • I love crotchless panties, pearl string thongs, body stockings (crotchless), and just trashy lingerie. Not all lingerie needs to be La Perla… It can be trashy and still hot. Almost like it is meant to be ripped off as the passion intensifies.
  • I want to watch my partner play with her pussy as she keeps me at a distance… teasing me as she brings herself to cum. Getting me so hard and ready to ravish her when she is done.
  • I like toy play… vibrators, cock rings, glass dildos, handcuffs, etc.. I want someone to play and explore the limits of sexually as we both learn to cum harder and harder.
  • I want a partner to talk dirty and scream with utter bliss while shaking from an intense orgasm.
  • I think role play would be fun and exciting.
Let me know if you’d like to meet up for a glass of wine this afternoon 😉

Like you, if anything, I’m glad I have a new friend to share these thoughts with.

****

I couldn’t help but think, “Wow…he definitely knows what he wants!”  Niall intrigued me as I read his hidden fantasies and desires.  I could feel my body getting weaker and weaker as I re-read his words over and over.  He awakened sensations deep inside my body and I instinctually began to part my lips, as they tingled and juices began to flow yet again.

But, I had to stop.

I shut down my brain and decided not to respond in the moment.  I had to knock some sense into me.  Niall was sucking me in and starting to consume my every thought and I needed to get my head screwed back on straight.  This was so uncharacteristic for me.  It felt like there was a war going on in my body and mind.  And I wasn’t sure who was going to win, let alone where this was headed.

One thing was for sure:  I had too much pent up sexual desire.  I needed to burn off some energy.  So I put on my running shoes, grabbed my phone and dashed out the door.

He could wait.

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Letters

Long before Niall and I ever met, we talked.  And we emailed every single day, multiple times throughout the day.  Down to our goodnight messages before bed each evening.  First, he had suggested we meet and grab lunch somewhere.  I definitely did not feel comfortable with that (what if he was gross and I was stuck staring at him for a good solid hour or two?).  So that idea was nixed from my brain pretty quickly.  Next, he suggested we grab a cocktail, which seemed way more realistic.  “If we don’t like one another and we don’t feel a connection, then it’s just a quick ten minute drink, right?”

But I was scared.  And meeting a complete stranger was beyond my comfort zone.  It honestly freaked me out.  Let’s be honest- he could have been an axe murderer for all I knew.  I could be walking into a very dangerous situation.  We’ve all read enough stories of crimes happening to naive women, and I was not about to become one of them.  So, I always rebuffed his invitations, as I couldn’t negate the axe murderer thoughts coming from the inner recesses of my brain.

I finally had to tell him, “Look, I don’t want to meet you right now.  Can we just take things slow and get to know one another?  I don’t like to rush.  I need to take time in order to assess if you are an axe murderer or not.”

“Sure.  I’m on the same page.  I can understand your hesitations but I can assure you, I am not some axe murderer.  For the record, I like talking to you ;-)”

So…we talked every day.  He would reach out before taking off to meet investors,  We both started sharing stories about our kids.  Sometimes I would share photos of them.  And then, finally he did too.  He took his kids skiing and they pretty much cried the entire time through ski school…while he sat on the sidelines watching them.  He was messaging me during that entire saga (you gotta wonder just how disconnected two spouses can be when this is going on during their “family” vacation).  The roles were reversed in our household, only this time- it was my daughter crying because she kept falling during ice skating lessons.  He would send sweet messages of encouragement, parenting tips of how to get through whatever the kids were bombarding me with.  And I would do the same for him, as he was sitting in the waiting room of major tech or hedge fund company about to make his pitch.

All of our interactions seemed very, very normal.  You could safely say, that we had settled into a “friendship” over the course of that month.  But there was something I hadn’t told him yet.

My name.

Yep.  I still hadn’t even told him my real name.  That’s how cautious I was about him and this entire situation.  I asked him if it bothered him, and of course, he said yes.  But he quickly followed that up with, “In due time…”

Finally, one night- after exchanging many, many messages, we discovered we had distant mutual friends and overlaps in career sectors.  Our worlds were feeling more and more alike as we pulled down our walls and shared.  But not knowing my real name remained a point of contention.  Looking back, I think it bothered him way more than he let on.

But, one night (probably after a few glasses of wine!) I finally signed my goodnight message with the first letter of my name:  “K”.

I was like a little mouse leaving a tiny, teeny, itty-bitty crumb for him.  And I was squirming as I sat in bed, on my iPad, waiting for his response to load in my inbox. I knew he would reply immediately.  And he did.  What ensued next sounds so far fetched and like something out of a movie, but I can assure you- it’s 100% true.

“I’m working right now, but as always was excited to get a message from you 🙂 Yes…more and more similarities.  You don’t be any chance have an “A”, “T” or “E” in your name???  Do you?”

“More similarities?  Uh no, here we go again.  Should I make up a name and not tell you the rest of the letters?  Something totally different?  At university, when I took French, they gave us a French name.  I was given the name Chantal.  You can call me that if you want…or I can stay elusive forever??”

His reply hit my inbox within a second, “For real- is your name Kate?”

As I opened up and read his message, I about died.  What are the odds that CEO’s wife and I share the exact same name?  All I could do is reply, “Yes”.

“You have to be kidding me about your name… Well, at least I wont accidentally call my wife by the wrong name.

…I wish I was holding you right now.  It’s been a long day, but I have not stopped daydreaming about you.  It has been so nice to feel excitement and the rush when just receiving a message from you.  If we were together right now, how would you like to be kissed?”

“Kissed?  Passionately.  The rip your clothes, shove your body up against the wall kind of kiss.  But before that, you should know I’ve had a few images running through my mind since leaving you yesterday.  And each time, I instinctively take in a deep breathe and sigh.  It’s the only way to offset the excitement and butterflies you have given me.  I so wanted that as part of this.  It’s like the icing on the cake for me.  I have missed that so much and its incredible to experience that again.

Hearing that I am just as stunning in person and just as sexy as in your dreams made me smile so much yesterday.  Thank you for always showering me with compliments. You are good at those- plus, I enjoy hearing them.  I am thrilled that you kissed me with such passion and intensity.  I could have kissed you all afternoon.  It was that nice…”

“I have so many fantasies running through my head.  Next time we meet up, can you please lean over and whisper into my ear, ‘I’m wearing crotchless panties.'”

“Hmmmm, is this a specific fantasy of yours?  Well…consider it done.  Since you brought it up, while we are on the subject- what are your fantasies, Mr. CEO?”

Hello

Four years ago, I met a young millennial CEO for a drink.  Little did I know, how dangerous that day would become.  How I would soon fall in love for another man, who was not my husband.  And how it would lead to gut wrenching pain for the next several years of my life.  I didn’t go with the intention to cheat on my husband.  I think this is where the lies we tell ourselves really start to snowball.  We tell ourselves it will just be a drink.  Ten minutes of saying hello.  Some chit-chat and pleasant conversation.  And then, once the drink is over, we will say goodbye.  Walk away.  Never look back.  And that would be the end of things.

I remember driving up to this quaint, seaside restaurant and wondering where I should park my car.  I was wearing jeans, a silk top and black leather ankle boots.  As I entered the restaurant, the early morning sunlight was just starting to reflect upon the water.  The maitre’d asked me, “Are you here to see Mr. Beach?”  I must have blushed because he had a very sweet smile on his face, like he already knew the answer (and that he knew this was some clandestine occasion). “Yes I am.”  I thought he could hear my pounding heartbeat.  That’s how nervous I was walking down those steps.  “He’s waiting for you.  Downstairs and on the right.”

It was a beautiful location, picked by CEO and it was surrounded by a multitude of boats and yachts.  An adjacent boutique hotel sat on the ocean front, while the restaurant we were meeting at was located down in the marina.  Every step I made to get closer to CEO, I could hear the echoing of my heels clanking upon the hardwood plank flooring.  As I looked around at empty table, upon empty table, I realized we had the entire restaurant to ourselves- as if he had booked out the whole place just for us.

He was sitting at an outside table, scrolling through his phone with Prada sunglasses covering his eyes.  When he looked up from his screen, he broke out into the biggest smile.  Stood up.  And hugged me. “Hello there Kate.  It’s nice to finally meet you.  I’ve ordered you a glass of Chardonnay.  Here, please sit.”

He truly made me feel comfortable right off the bat.  My nerves melted away as he began to talk, and talk-  asking me a plethora of questions.  I couldn’t help but think how normal this all felt.  “I saw a Prius drive down the road.  Was that you?”

“No, I don’t drive a Prius…do you?”

“No, I have a BMW.”

“Oh- those are fun. I have one too.  A 5 series.”

Our conversation never dragged on.  There were never any lulls or awkward silences.  We were interested in everything each other had to say.  It felt like a date- and I hadn’t felt like that in over fifteen years.

As our conversation continued to flow effortlessly, we opened up about work, our kids, our lives, our travels and the start-up he just sold.  Looking back, and recounting this story now, I can objectively say that during the course of any long-term relationship, you lose this.  You lose the ability to be so fully engrossed in another human being, like you do when you first meet someone.  You just do.  It’s life.  There’s no debating it.  It’s how the human mind works. There was an immediate magnetic pull to one another, yet there was a complexity to our relationship- where neither one of us could fully read the other. Nor knew where we stood.  We were still taking information in.  Still evaluating eachother.

I only had a certain amount of time that I could be there with CEO.  And he knew that.  So after our drinks were consumed, I was kinda shocked when he asked if he could walk me back to my car.  It threw me off to be honest.

In my head, I was thinking, “But I have more time I can spend with him. He must not like me.  Or I must have given him some weird vibe. ”  I was really thrown off- unsure how to read him,  or the situation.

When the waiter brought our check, he pulled out his credit card.  I must have grimaced because my brain immediately calculated that this would leave a paper trail.  And how stupid could he be?  It triggered my internal “red flag” warning system.  A signal, that went against my better judgement, and would go on to play a significant role in my inability to fully trust him in our relationship.  My intuition said he was reckless and not intelligent enough to cover his tracks.  Exactly the kind of guy who would make a terrible affair partner.

I will give CEO a bit of credit for reading my non-verbal cues immediately.  Because he looked at me, and tried to reassure me that everything was OK by paying this way.  “Oh don’t worry.  When I sold my start-up, I had my accountant take 30k and place it in an E-trade account.  This is my fun money and my wife does not see any of my business expenses.  Only my accountant does.”

Whether that was true or not- I’ll never know.  It did have the unintended consequence of alleviating some of the concerns I had about him.  I started rationalizing that perhaps, I was a little too quick to judge. Maybe he had more discretion than I gave him credit for.

As we walked to my car, the morning sunlight gave way to the harsh and intense afternoon rays.  I was still trying to calculate the situation, but my intuition said he wasn’t attracted to me.  Namely, because we were all of a sudden walking back to my car and not sitting at that table ordering another drink.

And thats when he placed his arms around the small of my back, pulling me closer into him.  His left hand traced the outline of my jawbone, as seagulls squawked in the distance.  As my brain frantically tried to catch up to the situation, he mumbled something about, “Whether or not we would have that intense chemistry…”

When then, his soft lips met mine.

There was passion, and electricity.  And we fit perfectly together.  Plus, he could definitely kiss!

When we finally untangled our tongues and embrace, he stood there staring at me intently.  I started fiddling with my purse, dangling my keys between my middle finger and pinky- unsure of everything that was transpiring between us.  I was rapidly still taking in information about him- trying to decipher what the hell I was even doing here.  When all of a sudden, he reached into his right pocket and pulled out a room key.

“A ROOM KEY?!?!?!?!?!?!” I thought.  My eyes literally bulged out of their sockets. WTF?

“Five minutes.  I just want to hold you for five minutes in my arms.  No sex.”

I was SO caught off guard, that I was stumbling over my words.  Nothing remotely intelligible could come out of my mouth in that moment.  I was speechless!  This was supposed to be for just a drink.  Even thinking back upon it now, still makes me shake my head in disbelief.  I was completely out of my element.  And surprised that this man (who had never even met me), had just sunk several hundred dollars on a boutique hotel suite, on the off chance that I might say yes???

That’s pretty brazen.

And forward.

And pretty stupid.

And definitely the antithesis of how my husband was back then.

When my initial shock finally wore off, he said I started laughing nervously.  He would go on to recount this story several times over our relationship.   And I would recount how he had this sheepish grin on his face, all while doing so.  But I also distinctly remember feeling overcome with a sense that I was finally with a man who knew what he wanted.  A man that wasn’t afraid to make a move.  A man that wasn’t afraid to take chances.  A man that wasn’t afraid to plan something.  And a man who wasn’t afraid to fulfill his (or my) fantasies.

Considering the state of my marriage back then (remember my head-in-the-sand-beta-acting-husband), I couldn’t help but think, “I finally had found my alpha male.”

When I drove away, my phone pinged with a message from him.  In the subject line it read: Where we first met.  He had sent a photo of our table and the view he had looking out on the marina.  Awe- could this alpha male have a sweet sentimental side too?

And then my phone pinged again.

“It was very nice to meet you in person. You are just as stunning as your pictures and as sexy as my dreams about you. I loved your lips against mine Kate. Thanks for meeting with me and trusting me. Looking forward to seeing you again.”

At the next stop light, I had to close my eyes, taking several deep breathes in and out. I needed to be a Mom again.  I needed to resume my real life.  And get back to my responsibilities.  To my kids.  I tried to steady my heartbeat but CEO had unleashed a flurry of butterflies.

From that point forward- my life, my thoughts, and marriage would never be the same again.

 

 

 

 

Millenial

(I haven’t resumed my story telling in a long time.  My blog kinda took a U-turn and I started writing more in the moment, and less about CEO and I.  Here’s another installment which resumes after the ‘Butterflies’ post)

Returning from my run, I jumped in the shower and continued to wonder about Niall. Truth be told, I wanted to look at his photo and study his face before heading off to bed. I wanted to stare at his contours, and decipher if his eyes were a shade of blue or burnt amber. Honestly, I didn’t get a good look at his photo.  But it would be incredibly risky logging back into AM, as my husband was over in the next room.  Looking back, I can objectively say, my behavior at that time was incredibly risky (and would only become even more so, as the months went by).  This is a by-product of all affairs: the risky behavior and decision making.

As the hot water trickeled down my back, I found myself pondering Niall with a curiosity I hadn’t felt in a long time.  First impression?  He seemed all too normal. Pretty vanilla and polite. Safe was the first impression I got. Boy would I be wrong. I turned off the faucet, wrapped myself in a warm plush towel and quickly opened my iPad.  I tapped away at the glass screen, then nervously awaited my inbox to load.  To my utter surprise, the key and Niall’s message was…poof–gone! Talk about a shocker. I wasn’t expecting that.

In typical knee-jerk fashion, I fired off a hasty message.

Hey, I just logged back in to look at the photo you sent me. I didn’t get a chance to look at it earlier because my husband suddenly came home. But now it’s gone. I realize you are new to this site, but in my limited experience here, men are very generous with releasing their keys. And they definitely leave them available, mid-conversation, while trying to forge a connection…

I kinda smirked when I sent it, wondering just how my message would be perceived. To my utter surprise, he wrote back immediately. Yikes!  He’s online at this very moment!!

Please do not take my actions as a sign of my lack of interest. I didn’t mean to send them so soon. Like you, I am very cautious and didn’t intend to reveal all just yet. I know that must sound weak. But I like talking to you and just wanted to get to know you better first.

On second thought, I apologize. I will send them again now. Just know I look better in person and take horrible photos.  Please tell me more about yourself, your travels (did you ever visit Rome?).  And if I can be so forward, are you available this Friday to meet for a drink?  Maybe the Beach House?

I had to laugh at his message. I thought only women got insecure over their looks. Apparently, so do men. The analyzer in me noted and filed this into my armchair-psychiatrist brain. So he has some insecurities. Ok, duly noted. That’s not some deal breaker. We all have insecurities. However my inner voice said, “But Kate, you are looking for an alpha male.  This is just some millennial…move on.  He’s just a kid with an internet connection.” (Ok- maybe that was a bit rough, but I’m trying to emphasize that I had absolutely no real inclination towards him at this point)

And just like that, his photos appeared in my inbox.  One was a close-up of his face, taken from the side.  The photographer in me realized that it wasn’t a great photo- it accentuated his side profile and distorted the ratio of his cheeks to his front facial features.  It was taken at a horrible angle and made him look 10 pounds heavier than he actually was.  But I could tell he was a decent looking guy (in all honesty, my husband is better looking than him…even to this day).  My first impression was that he was “cute” and the full length body shot confirmed he was in fairly good shape.

I thought he was a baby faced millennial and that would be fun to talk to.  Nothing more.

And definitely not someone who would knock me off my feet…and into a full-fledged affair. I opened up his email and began tapping away at the keyboard.

Wow…you look young.  Are you old enough to be on here?  Kidding!!  I have an honest question for you.  Have you ever cheated on your wife before?  There is no right or wrong answer here.  I get that there are open marriages and different dynamics at play.  But, I’m just trying to understand where you are coming from and what your situation at home may be.

I stared at my screen and saw that he opened my message immediately.  I was about to turn off my iPad when he suddenly replied yet again.

I’ve never had a full fledged affair.  But I was at a work conference with a competitor once.  We were sitting with a group of employees from both companies when my competitor suddenly (and discretely) invited me up to her room.  We excused ourselves separately and met upstairs.  Once in her suite, she quickly removed her dress only to reveal lace thigh highs and a garter begging for me to, “Fuck her now.” and to “Finish her off nice and hard.” And well….I did.  So to answer your question honestly, yes.  Yes, I have.  Once.

As I contemplated how to reply, I suddenly heard a noise in the distance.  I logged out of my computer and didn’t respond.

But I thought about Niall for the rest of the day.  And beyond.

Music

It’s summertime.  And in my house, that means adventure.  I’m a big travel junkie and I like to travel to off the beaten path.  It’s one of the things I let go of, when I first had my kids.  And it’s one of the things I purposely restored in my life, after I examined my overall happiness post dday.

Last week, I went off the grid with my kids.  Packed the car up and hit the road.  Just the three of us.  We weren’t even out of LA when my daughter fished out a CD, which I didn’t even know was in this car (I rarely drive it anymore).  Traffic was thick, so I wasn’t really paying attention to what she was doing but the next thing I know, the lyrics started up and it took me back four years.  Memories of immense pain and longing bubbled to the surface as I kept my eyes fixated on the road.  I must have listened to this CD a thousand times, I thought.  Music put into words what my heart and mind couldn’t say back then.  I couldn’t believe she was actually playing this.

I think of you
I haven’t slept
I think I do
But I don’t forget
My body moves
Goes where I will
But though I try my heart stays still
It never moves
Just won’t be led
And so my mouth waters to be fed
And you’re always in my head

My mind instantly went back to CEO and how these words would echo through the chambers of my heart.  Every word from each successive song matched the emotions back then.  How apropos that I was on a journey, looking back at the most painful journey of all.

“Did you remember to pack my bathing suit mom?”

And just like that, I’m snapped back to reality. “Yes honey.  It’s in your bag.”

”Can we eat the chips now?” my son chimes in.  “Ummmm, no buddy.  We’re not even 20 miles from our house and you are already asking for food?!?”

The music fades as the kids chat about Pokémon, why I took their iPads away for summer and if we will see a bear (like last time we went off the grid).  I let their conversations drift into the back of my mind as the lyrics took center stage.  The next song begins and my mind suddenly travels back in time.

Call it magic, call it true
I call it magic when I’m with you
And I just got broken, broken into two
Still I call it magic, when I’m next to you

I remember being split between my husband and CEO back then.  Neither getting all of me.  It broke me into two- literally.  And definitely wrecked my spirit juggling these two relationships…and yet, there was magic between CEO and I.  Undeniable magic.

Dating an entrepreneur is fraught with difficulties.  First, they are married to their start-ups.  And their time isn’t linear.  This posed problems in our relationship.  I learned through knowing CEO that my love language is time- and there never seemed to be enough of it.  I need that face to face connection in all of my relationships.  Daily contact was there via technology, but nothing replaces looking into each others eyes.  Seeing the way his eyes danced as he recounted a story.  Or hearing his laugh.

As I drove along the highway, I reflected back upon the negative undercurrents of our relationship.  The lack of real, valuable time together.  Did I think we could improve the amount of time we spent together back then?  Most definitely.  I truly believed we could find a middle ground there.  I believed we could find our way.

And if you were to ask me
After all that we’ve been through
Still believe in magic?
Well yes, I do
Oh yes, I do
Oh yes, I do
Of course I do

My wanderlust was dimming and so had my conversation with the kids.  Vivienne looked over at me and asked, “Are you okay mom?  You seem distant.  Like you are thinking deeply about something.”

“Yes sweetie.  I’m fine.  Just going over in my head everything I’ve packed.”

”Did you remember the bacon for Zane?”

”Oh crap.  I didn’t pull it out of the fridge.  Can you google for the nearest Whole Foods on mommie’s phone?”

Needless to say, we had a little detour before we got out of proper LA.  It was a nice break from what had been going through my mind.  But the second we got back in the car, my daughter continued to play the album with the significance lost on her.  Each song was like a journey into my past.

Got a tattoo that said “together through life”
Carved in your name with my poker knife
And you wonder when you wake up, will it be alright oh oh
Feels like there’s something broken inside
All I know
All I know
Is that I’m lost whenever you go
All I know is that I love you so
So much that it hurts

Urgh- the pain started brewing in my chest.  The hurt was unreal back then.  In an instant, I was brought back to the turmoil of loving two men.  One I had built a life with.  And one, I had fell in love with.   My broken heart realized I needed to box up that love and ignore it for life.  I loved Nial so much and this song tore at my heart, every time I heard it.  Memories came flooding back.  Me- leaving my house for the first time, after I had confessed.  Driving away from my neighborhood.  Then once I was at a safe distance, just screaming at the top of my lungs.  Trying to get everything out, so my kids wouldn’t see my pain.  I was conflicted.  Truly.  Knowing I had purposely dropped an atomic bomb on my relationship with CEO so I would be forced to do the “right thing”, even if my heart was utterly in love with him, was gut wrenching…

“How much longer till we transfer freeways mom?  Do you think we will be able to find a swimming hole or waterfall once we get there?”

“Don’t you fret my pet.  Mom’s got it covered.”

The melodies faded into oblivion, while giving birth to the next song.  Miles tick over on the odometer as the road opened up.  As I juggle the past and present, memories of Niall continue to flood to the surface.

For a second, I was in control
I had it once, I lost it though
And all along the fire below would rise
And I wish you could have let me know
What’s really going on below
I’ve lost you now, you let met go but one last time
Tell me you love me, if you don’t then lie, oh lie to me

“Are we going to stop for lunch on the way?”  Zane asked softly.  “Yes darling.  We will get lunch soon.’

And then the keys on the piano begin.  Notes take shape.  Softly, yet full of every conceivable emotion.  It rhythmically tells the story of my heartbreak, note by note.

A flock of birds
Hovering above
Just a flock of birds
That’s how you think of love

And I always
Look up to the sky
Pray before the dawn
‘Cause they fly always
Sometimes they arrive
Sometimes they are gone
They fly on

A flock of birds
Hovering above
Into smoke I’m turned
And rise following them up

Still I always
Look up to the sky
Pray before the dawn
‘Cause they fly away
One minute they arrive,
Next you know they’re gone
They fly on
Fly on

So fly on
Ride through
Maybe one day I’ll fly next to you

They fly on
Ride through
Maybe one day I come fly with you
Fly on
Fly on
Fly on

I’m stronger now.  I’ve forged a new path.  But it’s in moments like these, I realize just how far I’ve come.  And how I can listen to Coldplays entire Ghost Stories without bursting into tears.

And yet…I still miss him.

Thats what 4 years post Dday gets you.