Sold

I had a dream last night.  It was so vivid.  I had walked into a restaurant, and as I did, an extremely well dressed man turned away from the bar and approached me.  He was easily over six feet tall.  As we side hugged and said our hellos, the quality of his wool coat was not lost on me.  He was dressed impeccably down to his perfectly shined shoes.  And wore a sheepish grin on his face when looking at me.

I was wearing black slacks and a black sleeveless silk blouse + sexy high heels and a small clutch purse.  I think I had gone to the restroom or something and I was weaving my way back to the table, where my daughter was waiting for me.  I had noticed a man trying to make eye contact with me, as I moved through the crowd.  But I never broke my gaze to look at him directly.  But the gentleman who began to speak to me did- while turning his body towards mine, blocking my way greeting me with, “Kate! I was hoping I might run into you here.  Join me for a drink, will you?”

I remember feeling incredibly flattered that this man had sought me out.  That he changed his day, just in the hopes of crossing my path.  He was a business associate that I had met briefly recently.  At least that was the feeling I got as he spoke to me (this was a dream after all).

I wanted to sit there and share a glass of wine.  To talk about whatever he wanted to talk about.  He was charming, engaging and had a quiet assertiveness about him.  It was at that moment in my dream that I noticed, I was genuinely enjoying his company.  But I was shocked to realize this…because it wasn’t CEO.

****

I don’t dream of other men.  And can’t recall ever doing so.  But I did last night.  And I have no idea what it all means.

But as I awoke from this dream, I stumbled for my phone in my pitch black bedroom.  I soon realized it was now 3:30 AM.  I started reading news, getting caught up on emails, looking over schedules and planning my work flow for the week.  When I finally saw the news.

CEO’s start-up was just acquired by a major technology corporation.  I knew this was his exit plan all along.  But seeing  the news brought up a mix of feelings.  I’m so SO proud of him.  But it’s also bittersweet for me to process.  Every time an investor rejected his idea, or he lost an investor he originally thought he had- I was his cheerleader during that rollercoaster.  In a weird way, it’s the last vestige of our relationship.

As they say, life does indeed move on.

Part of me wants to reach out and say Congratulations.  To hear his voice smile…

But I won’t.

And it’s gut wrenching.  Because I truly miss my friend.

I cant help but think now that he has sold his start-up, he suddenly has “time” again.   Hence, why he logged on to where we use to communicate.

I guess you could say- old habits die hard.

 

 

 

Advertisements

Dreams

I had a dream about Niall last night.  And that hasn’t happened in a long, long time my friends.  Like in years.

I was walking through the beachside town, passing a little gift shop when all of a sudden, I heard my name being called out.

Kate!

Glancing back over my left shoulder, there Niall was, standing in front of quaint men’s store which does not exist in real life.  My eyes met his and I stood there on the sidewalk stoically, unable and unwilling to react whatsoever.  My pupils did not dialate nor did I break out in a huge Cheshire Cat grin.  It was as if we were frozen in time, suspended for many moments.

I took a breathe without parting my lips and finally, Niall tilted his head backwards, gesturing for me to meet him outside the store.

I don’t recall thinking anything during that time but my feet suddenly moved.  And within a moment, I was sitting down on an ipe bench facing the Pacific Ocean with Niall seated to the right of me.

I didn’t say anything.  I just sat there listening to the pounding surf below.

The familiarity was there in an instant, along with his signature cologne.  He was dressed sharp, of course- he always knew how to dress.  And he still had those baby faced good looks.

He stared at me while I looked out towards the sea.  I glanced down and saw that his hands were clasped together, with his legs far apart.  He leaned forward onto his elbows, took a deep breathe in and broke our silence.

“Kate, when you have 20 million dollars of your own money sunk into a company, there’s a lot on the line.  I wanted to buy the lot behind our house and I had investors breathing down my neck.  I’ve been so unbelievably busy…”

As I looked out at the waves, I could see his mouth moving but I could no longer hear what he said.  My own thoughts took over, becoming center stage.  And they were spinning fast. “Did he really just start this conversation off talking about his bank account?  He didn’t even ask you how you’ve been.  He didn’t even apologize for the hell he put you through…”

As he continued to speak, I stood up and walked away.  Step by step, his voice drowned out amongst the crashing waves.  I could tell he had risen and heard the sound of his shoes pivot towards me.  But he stopped.  I thought for one millisecond that I should turn around, and look at him one last time.  But I knew better.

Instead, I continued to walk forward, overcome with a sense of peace.  Away from Niall.

As the distance grew between us, he became a smoky shadowy blur.  Like a dark cloud way behind me.

I woke up suddenly to Zane grabbing the pillow off my head,  smashing his adorable face into mine whispering, “Mama, for Christmas will you buy me a Lego police station?”

Ahhh, real life.  My life.  I love it!

***

(Feel free to comment and discern what you think this dream means.)