Cravings

That evening, after meeting Niall for the very first time, I went home and had a highly erotic evening with my husband.  The exact details evade me, as my memory is a little hazy (it has been several years since any of this has transpired).  But I’m pretty certain, I led the charge.  A naked wife standing in the hallway, wearing nothing but a pair of Louboutin’s is hard to miss.

I do recall standing there- legs parted, throbbing and swollen with desire- wanting to be fucked hard and deep all night long.  I wanted his mouth clutched against my labia, tracing his tongue around my clit, flicking me to desire. Once my husband looked up from his computer screen, and saw me standing there-he quickly followed me back into our bedroom where I proceeded to orgasm multiple times that night.

…all while thinking of Niall.

****
Good Morning 🙂

Glad you are having mind blowing sex.  How was it last night? Kidding.

As for my fantasies and what I’m missing with my wife… She is not uninhibited when it comes to sex. She likes it hard and from multiple positions (and often), but just not dirty. For example, she has never sent me arousing photos, buys simple sexy lingerie, doesn’t really like to play with herself, etc..

Here is just a touch that I crave for…

  • I want to be at work and receive/send dirty texts and pictures keeping each other aroused and mind racing for what will come when we see each other next.
  • I love crotchless panties, pearl string thongs, body stockings (crotchless), and just trashy lingerie. Not all lingerie needs to be La Perla… It can be trashy and still hot. Almost like it is meant to be ripped off as the passion intensifies.
  • I want to watch my partner play with her pussy as she keeps me at a distance… teasing me as she brings herself to cum. Getting me so hard and ready to ravish her when she is done.
  • I like toy play… vibrators, cock rings, glass dildos, handcuffs, etc.. I want someone to play and explore the limits of sexually as we both learn to cum harder and harder.
  • I want a partner to talk dirty and scream with utter bliss while shaking from an intense orgasm.
  • I think role play would be fun and exciting.
Let me know if you’d like to meet up for a glass of wine this afternoon 😉

Like you, if anything, I’m glad I have a new friend to share these thoughts with.

****

I couldn’t help but think, “Wow…he definitely knows what he wants!”  Niall intrigued me as I read his hidden fantasies and desires.  I could feel my body getting weaker and weaker as I re-read his words over and over.  He awakened sensations deep inside my body and I instinctually began to part my lips, as they tingled and juices began to flow yet again.

But, I had to stop.

I shut down my brain and decided not to respond in the moment.  I had to knock some sense into me.  Niall was sucking me in and starting to consume my every thought and I needed to get my head screwed back on straight.  This was so uncharacteristic for me.  It felt like there was a war going on in my body and mind.  And I wasn’t sure who was going to win, let alone where this was headed.

One thing was for sure:  I had too much pent up sexual desire.  I needed to burn off some energy.  So I put on my running shoes, grabbed my phone and dashed out the door.

He could wait.

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Hello

Four years ago, I met a young millennial CEO for a drink.  Little did I know, how dangerous that day would become.  How I would soon fall in love for another man, who was not my husband.  And how it would lead to gut wrenching pain for the next several years of my life.  I didn’t go with the intention to cheat on my husband.  I think this is where the lies we tell ourselves really start to snowball.  We tell ourselves it will just be a drink.  Ten minutes of saying hello.  Some chit-chat and pleasant conversation.  And then, once the drink is over, we will say goodbye.  Walk away.  Never look back.  And that would be the end of things.

I remember driving up to this quaint, seaside restaurant and wondering where I should park my car.  I was wearing jeans, a silk top and black leather ankle boots.  As I entered the restaurant, the early morning sunlight was just starting to reflect upon the water.  The maitre’d asked me, “Are you here to see Mr. Beach?”  I must have blushed because he had a very sweet smile on his face, like he already knew the answer (and that he knew this was some clandestine occasion). “Yes I am.”  I thought he could hear my pounding heartbeat.  That’s how nervous I was walking down those steps.  “He’s waiting for you.  Downstairs and on the right.”

It was a beautiful location, picked by CEO and it was surrounded by a multitude of boats and yachts.  An adjacent boutique hotel sat on the ocean front, while the restaurant we were meeting at was located down in the marina.  Every step I made to get closer to CEO, I could hear the echoing of my heels clanking upon the hardwood plank flooring.  As I looked around at empty table, upon empty table, I realized we had the entire restaurant to ourselves- as if he had booked out the whole place just for us.

He was sitting at an outside table, scrolling through his phone with Prada sunglasses covering his eyes.  When he looked up from his screen, he broke out into the biggest smile.  Stood up.  And hugged me. “Hello there Kate.  It’s nice to finally meet you.  I’ve ordered you a glass of Chardonnay.  Here, please sit.”

He truly made me feel comfortable right off the bat.  My nerves melted away as he began to talk, and talk-  asking me a plethora of questions.  I couldn’t help but think how normal this all felt.  “I saw a Prius drive down the road.  Was that you?”

“No, I don’t drive a Prius…do you?”

“No, I have a BMW.”

“Oh- those are fun. I have one too.  A 5 series.”

Our conversation never dragged on.  There were never any lulls or awkward silences.  We were interested in everything each other had to say.  It felt like a date- and I hadn’t felt like that in over fifteen years.

As our conversation continued to flow effortlessly, we opened up about work, our kids, our lives, our travels and the start-up he just sold.  Looking back, and recounting this story now, I can objectively say that during the course of any long-term relationship, you lose this.  You lose the ability to be so fully engrossed in another human being, like you do when you first meet someone.  You just do.  It’s life.  There’s no debating it.  It’s how the human mind works. There was an immediate magnetic pull to one another, yet there was a complexity to our relationship- where neither one of us could fully read the other. Nor knew where we stood.  We were still taking information in.  Still evaluating eachother.

I only had a certain amount of time that I could be there with CEO.  And he knew that.  So after our drinks were consumed, I was kinda shocked when he asked if he could walk me back to my car.  It threw me off to be honest.

In my head, I was thinking, “But I have more time I can spend with him. He must not like me.  Or I must have given him some weird vibe. ”  I was really thrown off- unsure how to read him,  or the situation.

When the waiter brought our check, he pulled out his credit card.  I must have grimaced because my brain immediately calculated that this would leave a paper trail.  And how stupid could he be?  It triggered my internal “red flag” warning system.  A signal, that went against my better judgement, and would go on to play a significant role in my inability to fully trust him in our relationship.  My intuition said he was reckless and not intelligent enough to cover his tracks.  Exactly the kind of guy who would make a terrible affair partner.

I will give CEO a bit of credit for reading my non-verbal cues immediately.  Because he looked at me, and tried to reassure me that everything was OK by paying this way.  “Oh don’t worry.  When I sold my start-up, I had my accountant take 30k and place it in an E-trade account.  This is my fun money and my wife does not see any of my business expenses.  Only my accountant does.”

Whether that was true or not- I’ll never know.  It did have the unintended consequence of alleviating some of the concerns I had about him.  I started rationalizing that perhaps, I was a little too quick to judge. Maybe he had more discretion than I gave him credit for.

As we walked to my car, the morning sunlight gave way to the harsh and intense afternoon rays.  I was still trying to calculate the situation, but my intuition said he wasn’t attracted to me.  Namely, because we were all of a sudden walking back to my car and not sitting at that table ordering another drink.

And thats when he placed his arms around the small of my back, pulling me closer into him.  His left hand traced the outline of my jawbone, as seagulls squawked in the distance.  As my brain frantically tried to catch up to the situation, he mumbled something about, “Whether or not we would have that intense chemistry…”

When then, his soft lips met mine.

There was passion, and electricity.  And we fit perfectly together.  Plus, he could definitely kiss!

When we finally untangled our tongues and embrace, he stood there staring at me intently.  I started fiddling with my purse, dangling my keys between my middle finger and pinky- unsure of everything that was transpiring between us.  I was rapidly still taking in information about him- trying to decipher what the hell I was even doing here.  When all of a sudden, he reached into his right pocket and pulled out a room key.

“A ROOM KEY?!?!?!?!?!?!” I thought.  My eyes literally bulged out of their sockets. WTF?

“Five minutes.  I just want to hold you for five minutes in my arms.  No sex.”

I was SO caught off guard, that I was stumbling over my words.  Nothing remotely intelligible could come out of my mouth in that moment.  I was speechless!  This was supposed to be for just a drink.  Even thinking back upon it now, still makes me shake my head in disbelief.  I was completely out of my element.  And surprised that this man (who had never even met me), had just sunk several hundred dollars on a boutique hotel suite, on the off chance that I might say yes???

That’s pretty brazen.

And forward.

And pretty stupid.

And definitely the antithesis of how my husband was back then.

When my initial shock finally wore off, he said I started laughing nervously.  He would go on to recount this story several times over our relationship.   And I would recount how he had this sheepish grin on his face, all while doing so.  But I also distinctly remember feeling overcome with a sense that I was finally with a man who knew what he wanted.  A man that wasn’t afraid to make a move.  A man that wasn’t afraid to take chances.  A man that wasn’t afraid to plan something.  And a man who wasn’t afraid to fulfill his (or my) fantasies.

Considering the state of my marriage back then (remember my head-in-the-sand-beta-acting-husband), I couldn’t help but think, “I finally had found my alpha male.”

When I drove away, my phone pinged with a message from him.  In the subject line it read: Where we first met.  He had sent a photo of our table and the view he had looking out on the marina.  Awe- could this alpha male have a sweet sentimental side too?

And then my phone pinged again.

“It was very nice to meet you in person. You are just as stunning as your pictures and as sexy as my dreams about you. I loved your lips against mine Kate. Thanks for meeting with me and trusting me. Looking forward to seeing you again.”

At the next stop light, I had to close my eyes, taking several deep breathes in and out. I needed to be a Mom again.  I needed to resume my real life.  And get back to my responsibilities.  To my kids.  I tried to steady my heartbeat but CEO had unleashed a flurry of butterflies.

From that point forward- my life, my thoughts, and marriage would never be the same again.

 

 

 

 

Death

A really dear friend passed away over the weekend.  And I had to find out over Facebook.  I knew him from when I lived in London.  He was an amazing guy.  Had the best personality.  The most infectious smile and could make anyone laugh for days.  We had plenty of mischievous adventures together.  Traveled to several countries.  And partied to stupid o’clock hours.  He could literally stay up for days and just go and go and go.

I was devastated when I found out.  Just in a ball of tears.  My husband had run out to the store and in that time, I learned of his passing.  When he walked back through the door, he saw the look on my ashen face.  I could barely muster the words… “Daniel suddenly passed away.”

There is a finality to death that you don’t fully appreciate until you are standing within its shadows.  With the door of life firmly shutting on Daniel, in that moment, I couldn’t help but think of CEO.  Knowing that you will never speak to your affair partner again is one thing.  But facing that you may outlive them, and grieve in the shadows for their passing later in life, is another.

I don’t know what is worse.  Dying young? Or living a long life- yet having to experience repeated grief and sadness, as everyone around you passes away.

 

 

Dreams

I had a dream about Niall last night.  And that hasn’t happened in a long, long time my friends.  Like in years.

I was walking through the beachside town, passing a little gift shop when all of a sudden, I heard my name being called out.

Kate!

Glancing back over my left shoulder, there Niall was, standing in front of quaint men’s store which does not exist in real life.  My eyes met his and I stood there on the sidewalk stoically, unable and unwilling to react whatsoever.  My pupils did not dialate nor did I break out in a huge Cheshire Cat grin.  It was as if we were frozen in time, suspended for many moments.

I took a breathe without parting my lips and finally, Niall tilted his head backwards, gesturing for me to meet him outside the store.

I don’t recall thinking anything during that time but my feet suddenly moved.  And within a moment, I was sitting down on an ipe bench facing the Pacific Ocean with Niall seated to the right of me.

I didn’t say anything.  I just sat there listening to the pounding surf below.

The familiarity was there in an instant, along with his signature cologne.  He was dressed sharp, of course- he always knew how to dress.  And he still had those baby faced good looks.

He stared at me while I looked out towards the sea.  I glanced down and saw that his hands were clasped together, with his legs far apart.  He leaned forward onto his elbows, took a deep breathe in and broke our silence.

“Kate, when you have 20 million dollars of your own money sunk into a company, there’s a lot on the line.  I wanted to buy the lot behind our house and I had investors breathing down my neck.  I’ve been so unbelievably busy…”

As I looked out at the waves, I could see his mouth moving but I could no longer hear what he said.  My own thoughts took over, becoming center stage.  And they were spinning fast. “Did he really just start this conversation off talking about his bank account?  He didn’t even ask you how you’ve been.  He didn’t even apologize for the hell he put you through…”

As he continued to speak, I stood up and walked away.  Step by step, his voice drowned out amongst the crashing waves.  I could tell he had risen and heard the sound of his shoes pivot towards me.  But he stopped.  I thought for one millisecond that I should turn around, and look at him one last time.  But I knew better.

Instead, I continued to walk forward, overcome with a sense of peace.  Away from Niall.

As the distance grew between us, he became a smoky shadowy blur.  Like a dark cloud way behind me.

I woke up suddenly to Zane grabbing the pillow off my head,  smashing his adorable face into mine whispering, “Mama, for Christmas will you buy me a Lego police station?”

Ahhh, real life.  My life.  I love it!

***

(Feel free to comment and discern what you think this dream means.)

 

 

 

 

 

Tonight

The universe has a funny way of working in my life, especially the last 48 hours.  I’ve been thinking quite a bit about CEO, for various reasons which I won’t get into here.  Suffice to say, I really tried to put those thoughts aside and focus on my family today.

But the universe…had other plans.

As I walked out of a bathroom this evening, I came face to face (and shoulder to shoulder) with CEO’s wife.  Yep, this is now the second time I have seen her actually.

I froze, while Vivian kept pace to exit the restrooms accordingly.  She noticed I hadn’t moved a step and said, “Mom, come on.  Let’s go.”  I just stood there, while I watched his wife wash her hands, oblivious to who was standing behind her.  A minute passed and I finally walked outside, joining the mayhem of New Orleans Square.

Only it’s not the one you’re thinking.

I quickly walked over to my husband and told him what happened.  And within a minute, she walked out of the bathrooms and right behind my husband.  I stared, frozen again, as she gingerly made her way through the outdoor dining area.

I turned to my husband again and said, “I need to know if he is here.  I will be right back.”  As I walked the perimeter of the restaurant, I felt Zane’s tiny hand clasp into mine.  And then I saw her back, sitting at a table with what appeared to be CEO.

I immediately walked away and back to my husband, only to nod ‘yes’ at his inquisitive eyes.  Three minutes later, she walked through the restaurant again only this time, CEO was trailing behind her.

He had his eyes firmly planted on the ground.  He didn’t see me, despite walking right behind my husband.  We were less than five feet from each other, but surrounded by the public at large.  To be honest, he looked miserable.  Not the CEO I knew.

The entire situation felt like an out of body experience.  My husband has asked many times, “What would you do if you ever saw him?”  And each time I’ve said, “I don’t know.  Depends which day you ask me that question.”  But in that moment, I did nothing…

Very surreal and not what you expect to happen at the Happiest Place on Earth.