Affair partner

Death

A really dear friend passed away over the weekend.  And I had to find out over Facebook.  I knew him from when I lived in London.  He was an amazing guy.  Had the best personality.  The most infectious smile and could make anyone laugh for days.  We had plenty of mischievous adventures together.  Traveled to several countries.  And partied to stupid o’clock hours.  He could literally stay up for days and just go and go and go.

I was devastated when I found out.  Just in a ball of tears.  My husband had run out to the store and in that time, I learned of his passing.  When he walked back through the door, he saw the look on my ashen face.  I could barely muster the words… “Daniel suddenly passed away.”

There is a finality to death that you don’t fully appreciate until you are standing within its shadows.  With the door of life firmly shutting on Daniel, in that moment, I couldn’t help but think of CEO.  Knowing that you will never speak to your affair partner again is one thing.  But facing that you may outlive them, and grieve in the shadows for their passing later in life, is another.

I don’t know what is worse.  Dying young? Or living a long life- yet having to experience repeated grief and sadness, as everyone around you passes away.

 

 

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Dreams

I had a dream about Niall last night.  And that hasn’t happened in a long, long time my friends.  Like in years.

I was walking through the beachside town, passing a little gift shop when all of a sudden, I heard my name being called out.

Kate!

Glancing back over my left shoulder, there Niall was, standing in front of quaint men’s store which does not exist in real life.  My eyes met his and I stood there on the sidewalk stoically, unable and unwilling to react whatsoever.  My pupils did not dialate nor did I break out in a huge Cheshire Cat grin.  It was as if we were frozen in time, suspended for many moments.

I took a breathe without parting my lips and finally, Niall tilted his head backwards, gesturing for me to meet him outside the store.

I don’t recall thinking anything during that time but my feet suddenly moved.  And within a moment, I was sitting down on an ipe bench facing the Pacific Ocean with Niall seated to the right of me.

I didn’t say anything.  I just sat there listening to the pounding surf below.

The familiarity was there in an instant, along with his signature cologne.  He was dressed sharp, of course- he always knew how to dress.  And he still had those baby faced good looks.

He stared at me while I looked out towards the sea.  I glanced down and saw that his hands were clasped together, with his legs far apart.  He leaned forward onto his elbows, took a deep breathe in and broke our silence.

“Kate, when you have 20 million dollars of your own money sunk into a company, there’s a lot on the line.  I wanted to buy the lot behind our house and I had investors breathing down my neck.  I’ve been so unbelievably busy…”

As I looked out at the waves, I could see his mouth moving but I could no longer hear what he said.  My own thoughts took over, becoming center stage.  And they were spinning fast. “Did he really just start this conversation off talking about his bank account?  He didn’t even ask you how you’ve been.  He didn’t even apologize for the hell he put you through…”

As he continued to speak, I stood up and walked away.  Step by step, his voice drowned out amongst the crashing waves.  I could tell he had risen and heard the sound of his shoes pivot towards me.  But he stopped.  I thought for one millisecond that I should turn around, and look at him one last time.  But I knew better.

Instead, I continued to walk forward, overcome with a sense of peace.  Away from Niall.

As the distance grew between us, he became a smoky shadowy blur.  Like a dark cloud way behind me.

I woke up suddenly to Zane grabbing the pillow off my head,  smashing his adorable face into mine whispering, “Mama, for Christmas will you buy me a Lego police station?”

Ahhh, real life.  My life.  I love it!

***

(Feel free to comment and discern what you think this dream means.)

 

 

 

 

 

Tonight

The universe has a funny way of working in my life, especially the last 48 hours.  I’ve been thinking quite a bit about CEO, for various reasons which I won’t get into here.  Suffice to say, I really tried to put those thoughts aside and focus on my family today.

But the universe…had other plans.

As I walked out of a bathroom this evening, I came face to face (and shoulder to shoulder) with CEO’s wife.  Yep, this is now the second time I have seen her actually.

I froze, while Vivian kept pace to exit the restrooms accordingly.  She noticed I hadn’t moved a step and said, “Mom, come on.  Let’s go.”  I just stood there, while I watched his wife wash her hands, oblivious to who was standing behind her.  A minute passed and I finally walked outside, joining the mayhem of New Orleans Square.

Only it’s not the one you’re thinking.

I quickly walked over to my husband and told him what happened.  And within a minute, she walked out of the bathrooms and right behind my husband.  I stared, frozen again, as she gingerly made her way through the outdoor dining area.

I turned to my husband again and said, “I need to know if he is here.  I will be right back.”  As I walked the perimeter of the restaurant, I felt Zane’s tiny hand clasp into mine.  And then I saw her back, sitting at a table with what appeared to be CEO.

I immediately walked away and back to my husband, only to nod ‘yes’ at his inquisitive eyes.  Three minutes later, she walked through the restaurant again only this time, CEO was trailing behind her.

He had his eyes firmly planted on the ground.  He didn’t see me, despite walking right behind my husband.  We were less than five feet from each other, but surrounded by the public at large.  To be honest, he looked miserable.  Not the CEO I knew.

The entire situation felt like an out of body experience.  My husband has asked many times, “What would you do if you ever saw him?”  And each time I’ve said, “I don’t know.  Depends which day you ask me that question.”  But in that moment, I did nothing…

Very surreal and not what you expect to happen at the Happiest Place on Earth.