Yesterday

CEO took me to a beautiful hotel overlooking the Pacific Ocean during the early lust-filled days of our affair. I remember pulling up to the resort feeling so special as he held my hand in the car. As he drove through the windy roads, traversing through the canyons, the peek-a-boo views of the Pacific ocean glistened in my eyes. As his sportscar purred along the asphalt, I stared at the eroding sandstone cliffs daydreaming.

“Here, this is for you” he said, as he pulled a card out of the middle compartment.

I smiled.

Couldn’t help it.

This millennial was blowing me away. That…was unexpected. Looking back, I can honestly say these little gestures were reminiscent of any early courtship – the kind you see in a normal dating situation.

In that moment, I felt special. Cherished. Appreciated. And damn right sexy as my ecru silk blouse billowed in the salty breeze.

It was a Valentine’s Day card.

His words were those of a smitten man. I blushed. Hard. Then paused for an extremely long time, trying to figure out how I should respond. And honestly, it left me speechless (something that’s a rarity for me). I didn’t know where this relationship was going but I certainly set the expectation in my head that this was sex only.

But CEO kept progressing our pace and moved things forward, like a normal dating relationship where two people are falling for one another. It confused me…but deep down, I loved it. He was so different to my husband, calm with an assertive alpha male way of handling life. It was refreshing. Very, very refreshing.

The valet took his BMW and we walked into the resort looking like a married couple. He went to check in before telling me to head down below. I found us the most perfect table, perched above the cliffs. The glass French doors were open to the Pacific Ocean and it was a stunning view, for a Tuesday morning. Golden sand. Shades of teal and blue. The sound of pounding surf below. He arrived moments later, smiling. Relaxed.

We ordered Mimosa’s and a fruit platter, then talked about his start-up. I remember him making a point of saying, “In my everyday life, I am a man of integrity. I want you to know that.” I think he was trying to convey that he really was a good guy. My gut sussed that out long ago. But obviously, we were two cheating hearts in that moment, so you can debate the merits of that yourself.

The conversation flowed as always. He would occasionally reach over and hold my hand. It was really sweet. These little gestures had long left my marriage. I had forgotten how lovely it felt to be pursued. And he did so in spades. Had it been anyone else, I wouldn’t have enjoyed it. But it was him…CEO. And I had a huge soft spot for him that was growing exponentially every week. His sheepish grin melted my heart. Those big brown eyes stared straight into my soul and we had a magnetic connection from day one.

That was three years ago. Seems like yesterday sometimes. Especially when I sit down to write and reminisce.

I have only been back to this city twice now. Each time, barely within the town border. I’ve avoided this city for a long, long time because the memories shared with CEO were perfect here. I’ve been reluctant to ever return, and especially to drive past the resort. Not sure why, other than its quite the distance for me to travel to.

But today, that all changed. I drove past the resort while I took my kids on an outing further afield. It was strange driving past the sign. Almost surreal. My heart didn’t race or anything. Had I visited years ago, that would have been the case. The adrenaline would have been pumping as I relived the memories of what occurred there. The photos flashed throughout my mind like a moving picture book.

Sex on the balcony ✔️

“That was a fantasy of mine.”

Was it? We didn’t talk about this up front. But it felt organic and natural, which is why I went along with it.

The desk ✔️

“Not quite the right height. But A for effort.”

The sofa ✔️

“Kate, that was amazing. Don’t stop grinding my cock like that.”

The corner ocean view suite- king size bed- with seagulls squawking in the distance. While I repeatedly orgasmed as he pounded my g-spot with the Njoy his wife refused to take out of the box ✔️✔️✔️

This time it was like looking through a keyhole to a past time in my life.

Like Alice in Wonderland.

Me…Wondering.

(*CEO would kill me if he knew I took a photo of this card)

Dreams

I had a dream about Niall last night. And that hasn’t happened in a long, long time my friends. Like in years.

I was walking through the beachside town, passing a little gift shop when all of a sudden, I heard my name being called out.

Kate!

Glancing back over my left shoulder, there Niall was, standing in front of quaint men’s store which does not exist in real life. My eyes met his and I stood there on the sidewalk stoically, unable and unwilling to react whatsoever. My pupils did not dialate nor did I break out in a huge Cheshire Cat grin. It was as if we were frozen in time, suspended for many moments.

I took a breathe without parting my lips and finally, Niall tilted his head backwards, gesturing for me to meet him outside the store.

I don’t recall thinking anything during that time but my feet suddenly moved. And within a moment, I was sitting down on an ipe bench facing the Pacific Ocean with Niall seated to the right of me.

I didn’t say anything. I just sat there listening to the pounding surf below.

The familiarity was there in an instant, along with his signature cologne. He was dressed sharp, of course- he always knew how to dress. And he still had those baby faced good looks.

He stared at me while I looked out towards the sea. I glanced down and saw that his hands were clasped together, with his legs far apart. He leaned forward onto his elbows, took a deep breathe in and broke our silence.

“Kate, when you have 20 million dollars of your own money sunk into a company, there’s a lot on the line. I wanted to buy the lot behind our house and I had investors breathing down my neck. I’ve been so unbelievably busy…”

As I looked out at the waves, I could see his mouth moving but I could no longer hear what he said. My own thoughts took over, becoming center stage. And they were spinning fast. “Did he really just start this conversation off talking about his bank account? He didn’t even ask you how you’ve been. He didn’t even apologize for the hell he put you through…”

As he continued to speak, I stood up and walked away. Step by step, his voice drowned out amongst the crashing waves. I could tell he had risen and heard the sound of his shoes pivot towards me. But he stopped. I thought for one millisecond that I should turn around, and look at him one last time. But I knew better.

Instead, I continued to walk forward, overcome with a sense of peace. Away from Niall.

As the distance grew between us, he became a smoky shadowy blur. Like a dark cloud way behind me.

I woke up suddenly to Zane grabbing the pillow off my head, smashing his adorable face into mine whispering, “Mama, for Christmas will you buy me a Lego police station?”

Ahhh, real life. My life. I love it!

***

(Feel free to comment and discern what you think this dream means.)

Fate

Tonight, I texted my husband, “Want anything else from Whole Foods?” And he replied asking for a specific craft beer that I had never heard of before. I finally found it on the shelf and as I placed it into my basket, two little girls came running past me. I lost my breathe, not from their beauty, but because they are CEO’s kids. And they look just like him (especially in the eyes).

Yep, I had another run-in friends.

I froze, then stealth glanced the perimeter and saw his wife, now standing in front of the seafood counter with two little girls tugging at her shirt.

Great. Just great.

This has got to be the 10th time I have run into her. It’s like fate keeps bringing us together. I don’t even run into my own friends this much. Statistically, what are the odds? Like nil?

I quickly grabbed my phone and took a pic, because this has become a running joke between my best friend and I. I sent her the photo (it was only the back of her body) and yet her reply was priceless, “OMG! I know who that is! Fuck how on earth do you keep running into her? You don’t even live in that small of a town.”

Before I could reply, it suddenly dawned on me, “Niall could be behind them, perusing the produce section and shopping as a family. Oh geez…please say he is not here. I’m in my workout clothes and sweaty from a 6 mile run…then again, my ass has never looked better.”

I took a deep breathe, turned the corner and there was no Niall to be found. Just all the friendly workers who know me by name, waving to me saying, “Heyyyyy Kate. What’s up?”

I couldn’t help but think…she’s in my territory. There is a huge Whole Foods less than 1 mile from her house and yet, she came to this little neighborhood location.

As I checked out, I half expected for her to end up in my lane. Thankfully, that didn’t happen. I pondered back to the time I ran into her over the holidays, both of our kids staring into the same decorated windows during the annual Christmas stroll. And sadly, for the second year running- Niall is never by her side. It’s always just her…and the girls…alone.

He’s a brilliant entrepreneur, but an absentee father and husband. Had we left our spouses and ended up together, I would be just like her.

Alone.

Butterflies

As I looked down at Niall’s message, I felt a twinge of curiosity. Who was this guy? His message seemed so harmless. So simple. So innocent. What could possibly happen by replying? I didn’t get the feeling that this conversation would go anywhere, which I can say in hindsight, provided a false sense of security. Or maybe I was already compartmentalizing or justifying my behavior. But I definitely didn’t think at the time that this would end up in an actual, long-term affair. I really didn’t.

Feeling confident, I hit the reply button and responded to the faceless profile photo and generic name: beachCEO

For some reason, I thought about Billy in that moment. And how we had locked eyes across the bar and had mad chemistry at that first glance. That was what I was chasing…not an affair. I was chasing butterflies.

Well this would be interesting seeing as I am older than you! Hahahaha, but in all seriousness, after reading your profile, you seem to be seeking most of what I am too. And logistically, you’re my neighbor so this could work out perfectly. But I am really picky. And what I crave is that instant attraction, the one that makes your heart flutter and you can’t wait to see them again. And I am patient, so although AM markets itself as “the place” to have an affair, so far, I haven’t found anyone “affair worthy” or worth my time.

I have only given my photo out once. I don’t keep any photos on AM. So if we chat long enough and I feel a connection, perhaps we can meet for a drink. I would send you my photo long before that of course. But the one guy who met me said I was beautiful, girl next door, refreshing, couldn’t believe I was on AM, a busy-mom-on-the-go, down to earth, and very easy going.

So tell me about yourself. What is your ideal situation? Are you married or just in a relationship? Depending on your answers, I will give you my personal email and then we can chat from there…

Hi there. Yes, I am married. Two kids. I am very new to this site. Not looking to change my situation (nor anyone else’s). But looking to find someone I connect with mentally as well as physically. Most importantly, I am looking for absolute discretion. I take care of myself and hope to find someone who does as well. Love to cook (can make a mean lamb roast) and love to travel when I’m not working. You could say I am a bit of a foodie. I’m an executive working in start-ups, looking to find someone special who will literally take my breathe away.

What about you? Have you traveled much?

I hope you have a nice day 😉

Me too. Married, not looking to change my situation whatsoever. But I miss that spark that comes with someone new. I am very new to this site as well. Like I said before, I’ve only shared my photo once (the guy I met for a drink).

I’m 5’6, 135 lbs, brownish blonde hair, green eyes, tan, fit. I am not going to say I have the body of an 18 year old. Heck, I have had two kids! But yes, I take care of myself as well. I run 4-5 times a week. Love to be outdoors etc.

I use to live in Europe, have traveled all over the world…EU, Africa, south east Asia, Oz/NZ, Fiji etc.

Discretion, of course, is part of this. It’s imperative 🙂

Hope you have a good day as well.

Did you really travel to all of those places? I’m officially jealous. I’ve always wanted to do a safari in Africa. You’ll have to tell me all about it when we get a drink. My favorite country in Europe is Italy. The food and the wine are phenomenal. And the architecture! You must go, if you haven’t been yet.

And I want to assure you now, that I am not interested in the body of an eighteen year old. Chemistry matters most to me…and finding a sexy, classy woman is what I seek- which by the sound of it, you are 😉

You must get inundated with messages all day. I’m flattered that you responded to mine. Tell me more about yourself. I want to discern your tastes and know more about you. Do you have any plans for NY’s?

Your friend,

Niall

Wow…he gave me his name. That’s brave. It must be fake. Or he is really stupid to be putting his real name out there like that. I couldn’t help but think, “Keep your guard up, Kate. You don’t know who this guy is. He could be some axe murderer for all you know.” But there is a certain level of faith one needs to have when dipping your toes into these cheating waters. But I…wasn’t quite there yet.

Cautious. That was me. Niall would have to gain my trust before I would ever reveal who I was…or agree to meet in person. I took a deep breathe, twirled a lock of hair between my fingers, then abruptly formulated my response. Our messages, were like a tennis match, volleying back and forth in real time.

I too want that chemistry, which can be so elusive. If I am going to cheat, it’s going to be with someone who rocks my world for lack of a better phrase. So far most of the guys on AM are Neanderthals!

I have lived an interesting life. I am sure you have too. I moved abroad in my twenties, first Paris then London where I finally lived for about 6 years. I worked for various fashion companies. Then relocated back to the states where I continued to work.

As for NY’s, 1 party…not sure if we will go. Our sitter is sick so it will be a game day decision. What about you? Fascinate me with your life story in a paragraph or two 😉

It was at this point, that I took a breather from our conversation. Time was flying by and I was getting sucked into this non-stop conversation. Which if you knew me, wasn’t really my thing. I had things to do…miles I wanted to run. And kids that needed tending to. Talking to Niall was bleeding into “my time” throughout the day. And I noticed that immediately (this is a huge warning sign of affairs).

I grabbed my running shoes and started lacing them up. But not before refreshing my inbox one last time. There, on the page, was a shiny golden key which Niall had sent me. For those of you unfamiliar with how AM works, that means you’ve been sent private photos. I immediately clicked on the message and staring back at me was a baby faced, slightly rounded face, 34 year old. One photo was a close up in business attire while the other was a full length, in more casual clothing. He had dark brown hair and chestnut eyes. Was definitely taller than me but looked very, VERY young. That wasn’t really the look I was aiming for (I wanted someone older, slightly greying- like Billy, to be honest).

I only had an instant to stare at his photos. Because at that very moment, my husband came home and flung open our bedroom door.

I quickly turned off my computer, laced up my running shoes and headed out the door….chasing butterflies.

Pondering

Something has been on my mind. And I really can’t talk about this anywhere else but here.

I was thinking about this the other day. The fact that, even though I had an anonymous blog, I never did write about my affair with Nial. I never processed it- well at least on paper I never did.

I ran. And that became my therapy, spending countless hours rehashing everything Niall ever said to me. And going over everything a million times in my head. To the point of exhaustion and finally letting him and the memories of him go.

For roughly two years, I was ok. But then my health declined. And I’ve wondered now…did the stress of everything cause my auto-immune disease? Should I have blogged about it? Would that have helped?

I’m such an independent person. And although I love to write, back then, I just needed the solitude as the pain was too great to even articulate.

I loved Niall. And despite knowing in my heart that we should both stay with our spouses, it didn’t change the fact that I loved him dearly. And losing him from my life cut deeper than I said. The pain of losing him was brutal…as well as the aftermath of our affair.

Because I am stubborn and independent, I’m not someone to raise my hand saying, “I need help.” I handle everything on my own. Always have, always will. Is that detrimental to my health?

What if that mentality backfired and triggered an auto-immune disease to develop?

I have so many thoughts along these lines. I would love to purge myself of any memories of Niall. But I can’t. That’s not how affairs and memories work. Niall is still there….

Sure you move on, but the memories are like a caboose that follows you around. Depending on the curvature of the track, sometimes you see them clearly. Other times they are hidden from view, stuck in a dark tunnel, as you chug along the track.

It doesn’t help that I ran into Niall’s wife last week at the annual Christmas Lighting ceremony. Vivianne had run ahead to look at a store window display since it was decorated for the holidays. As I stood on the north side windows, less than 8 feet away, there she stood staring at the very same display- but from another angle.

My heart dropped. And I scanned the crowd like an FBI agent, while feverishly texting my best friend to, “Fuck! Come to X,Y,Z store NOW!” Bless her heart, she was there in minutes, as we had gone together to the event.

Niall wasn’t there but of course, it made me think of him. How could I not? One second I am enjoying the holidays, the next second, that Niall caboose was suddenly the first carriage of my memory train. Front and center…and it all came flooding back.

So the memories have been triggered by another casual run in. It’s bound to happen where we live. So it’s kind of expected, but still a shocker every time. It doesn’t get any easier. The entire thing has made me wonder if I should finally write my affair story. And get it all out on paper.

Do I need to process something? Could it make my condition worse? Is it somehow causing my current condition?

I don’t feel stressed, as of today. But then again, if the doctors knew about what I have gone through these past few years, I wonder if they would say, “Yeah, stress can cause all sorts of symptoms. Even yours.” Or, “Absolutely not. Stress wouldn’t cause this. And could not trigger an auto-immune disease.”

I would love to hear your honest thoughts…as this is a sincere question and point of discussion going around in my head.

Instinct

I’ve always had a strong sense of instinct and I have followed my gut all my life. Not to sound conceited, but I’m rarely incorrect when following my gut. That’s not to say I haven’t done stupid things in my life (like falling in love with Niall when he was never mine to begin with). My gut was screaming at me back then, about how wrong my behavior was. But clearly, I possess the talent for ignoring my gut instinct sometimes too.

But in regards to the medical mystery I’ve been battling, my gut was right. Despite the #1 expert in the field slamming the door in my face and canceling my first appointment, declaring he did not see an auto-immune process he could treat, that asshole was wrong.

For once in my life, I really wish I was wrong. But my instinct said I wasn’t. I kept pushing for more tests and practically have an honorary medical degree by now. I set about figuring out my case myself. And well, my dear friends….I was right.

Upon admission to Cedars Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles, I asked the admitting doctor to run a specific test. It’s in the admission notes that I requested it. Did they? Nope. And I never knew (until I ordered my medical records), that the rheumatologist overseeing my case failed to run it.

They don’t tell you shit when you are an admitted patient, my dear friends. They just don’t. Once you are admitted, you get visited by several doctors in your room. And they ask questions, poke and prod. And the entire time you’re kinda wondering, “When is anyone going to involve me in this discussion.” It’s honestly the strangest experience. I felt like I was some foreign alien while they looked me over, doing their consult.

On my own, I told them what I suspected I had. But I think their male egos wanted to somehow prove me wrong. Because my attacks (and the symptoms of that) equal very rare complications of the disease. I read their non-verbal behavior to say, “Yeah right, you have this disease. Statistically, it’s rare to find these symptoms in a patient, especially since your labs look great.”

But as my lovely eye doctor said to me much later in this journey, “It’s rare…until it’s in your chair.”

Am I angry? Of course. These doctors put me through hell, referring me to the director of MS believing I had MS. And I lived for over a month believing that the doctors listened to me, ruled out this auto-immune disease and somehow determined that I really had MS. But those fucking piece-of-shit doctors, that the #1 expert in the disease relied upon to do a thorough work-up on me, failed. And miserably.

Technology is a sector I follow and I had learned about a new test, comprised of 9 antigens which can detect this auto-immune disease in patients exhibiting symptoms for less than 5 years. It’s the newest test out there. Which is why basic logic says to order this, instead of the other antiquated tests which detect antigens only expressed when you are decades into the disease (or completely full blown).

My results came back last week: everything on the new test was normal but one antigen. I tested sky high on that antigen. There is no reason for my body to be producing this antigen unless I didn’t have the disease…and all the while, I was being dismissed by the doctors.

I’m angry. I have every right to be.

I want to send a certified copy of this result to every doctor who was brought into my case at Cedars, emblazoned with the these words: ASSHOLE- I was right! You FAILED. Please surrender your medical license so other patients aren’t put though the same hell your gross incompetence did to me.

….actually, maybe I will do that. I love that idea!!!!

But I realize my anger will only exasperate my condition….so I run. Or walk on my bad days. I’m managing my condition the best I can but some days, my symptoms flare to the point of being pretty damn difficult.

I’m not interested in being a guinea pig for big pharma. I want HSCT to cure me of this auto-immune disease. First, I must get the final diagnosis (yes despite this result that hasn’t been declared yet). Then, to convince a doctor to harvest my stem cells, give me 4 days of high intensity chemo to destroy my immune system and then reinject me with the new stem cells. It’s the only cure.

The only way out of this mess.

Changes

So I switched hospitals. I think I shared that this was something I had been considering for a long time. It took speaking to my primary doctor, who agreed, before I pulled the trigger. I spent a considerable time praying over finding the right doctor. And asking God to please bring me a doctor who will actually listen to my entire medical saga thus far.

Well this week, my prayers were answered.

I made an appointment with a local rheumatologist, yet part of the new hospital. I wasn’t expecting much and frankly, was only using this appointment to “get into the system” at this hospital. The MS doctor had already referred me to two rheumatologist, which are the best of the best doctors at the hospital. They initially said I couldn’t been seen till spring of 2017 (yes- this is the reality of just trying to get a diagnosis people). After many emails back and forth, and lots of pressure from my side, the MS doctor was able to get me in this year.

But now, I don’t even know if I will need them. That’s how great my appointment went this week.

Introducing Dr. K.

I had nothing prepared to say. But I came armed with 4″ of paperwork and all my MRI’s to date. When she walked into the room, I just said, “I’m really happy to finally meet you. I have a complicated medical history story. And there isn’t one doctor who has bothered to listen to it all. Will you be the first one?”

“I’m all ears”, she said.

For the next hour, I took her through every single twist and turn. From my attacks in 2013 through to this year. She took extensive notes during the entire story, frowned at various time (like when I shared the doctors suspected I had a tumor and I was rushed in for a MRI). And she got angry at parts of my story, “Why didn’t that doctor see you? What was his reason?!?” And when. I explained how I lived for over a month, thinking. I must have MS since I was referred to the MS doctor, she said, “There is a constant battle between rheumatology and MS. Both departments are constantly referring patients back and forth. It’s a long standing battle, I’m afraid and it puts patients like you, in limbo.” I hadn’t realized the politics and dynamics between these two departments, so it was refreshing to hear such a personal insight.

When I explained that I had ordered my medical records and that they were littered with errors, and that I didn’t have time to clean them up and wait 60 days for doctors to respond to my complaints she said, “Don’t worry. I’m not going to be biased here. But just so you know, the MS doctor wrote a very nice note in here about you.”

I presented my case and explained what disease I thought I had. But that I was open to other theories, however no one had diagnosed me to date. When I explained we had maxed out our deductible, she replied, “Well we are going to reorder every single test that has ever been done on you.”

I watched as her fingers feverishly pecked away at the keyboard, multiple times. Then said, “Everything I do, from here till the end of the year, will be free. Come January, I’ll be on the hook for everything.”

I shared all the supplements I have been taking and Dr. K said, “Great- going the all natural route. You’re taking everything I would recommend.”

“For now, no medications. I don’t want to mask any of your symptoms. Let’s get all these tests run. Review in two weeks- then make a game plan.”

I seriously love Dr. K.

Twelve vials of blood later, I left with a big smile on my face. I finally have a doctor listening to me and managing my case. There is one special test that can only be run by the actual hospital, so I need to drive there. Between the kids schedules, that pushes that test out to later next week. And that’s the one test which always comes back abnormal.

All in all, it’s been a good week. I even ran a 10k race. Although my time was four minutes slower than last years, I’ll take it. I’ve been through hell and back all summer, so just to finish was my goal. I thought I would have to walk the race. But I didn’t. I ran the whole way.

The fighter in me kept going till the finish line.