Affairs

Girls Night

I went out with what you could say is my closest girlfriend last night. She knows about CEO. It took me a long time to open up about him, but with the demise of her marriage two years back, I felt I could finally trust her with this information. We sat over dinner and I even had a cocktail (I’ve only had 1 drink in the last 2+ years). It felt nice sitting there catching up on her life, her relationship problems and laughing at the crazy things our kids say and do. The topic turned to CEO and I told her about him logging in to that account and that I could see his active status. That I knew he was thinking of me. And that he just sold his start-up to a major tech company. She brought up the following story, which I am now ready to share. Its long since passed, so its kind of irrelevant at this point.

Shortly after telling her about CEO two years ago, I invited her to a charity event. It was held at a swanky hotel in Beverly Hills and I bought a table, filling it with mutual friends. It was a daytime event, and we were all dressed up to the nines. I knew she would enjoy a day like this. Her father is an iconic actor, so events like these don’t phase her in the least. I can bring her anywhere and she’s that friend you don’t have to babysit.

We decided to drive to the event together and as we approached the hotel, she told me she had to pee! So instead of queuing up, we headed immediately to the ladies restroom. Afterwards, we both made our way back to the entrance of the grand ballroom. When I was about 4 feet from the main hotel entrance, a group of three women entered the hotel right in front of me. Looking back, it reminded me of that movie Sliding Doors, where if you had changed direction for a brief moment- things could have been wildly different. It honestly happened that fast. As I was briskly walking towards the ballroom, my subconscious must have recognized who it was. Because as I walked past the group of jabbering ladies, my head turned ever so slightly to focus on their faces. For just a moment. And thats when one of the women looked past her friends faces while continuing to talk– and towards mine. It happened in a millisecond and my slight hesitation to look in their direction obviously caught her attention.

Our eyes locked- for the briefest of moments.

Yep- it was CEO’s wife.

Again.

Ugh….

My best friend and I schmoozed our way through the event, having a great time. I was secretly hoping I wouldn’t run into her again, considering there were over 500 women in attendance. I headed towards the bar, where I ran into an old high school friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in over 20 years. As I was talking to her, CEO’s wife was weaving through the pack of women to get to the bar. She got as close as two people away from me, and no doubt- she was studying me for the few moments that she could. I wouldn’t expect her to say anything, especially at an event full of women. This was not the time, nor place for any first talk. But she was definitely observing me. That I am confident in saying.

We sat down for the luncheon and thats when a woman came over to talk to my best friend. I’ll call her A. A- as it turns out was sitting at the same table as CEO’s wife. So clearly, they know one another (yes- the circle of our friends is getting THAT close). After A left our table, I motioned over towards their table and whispered to my best friend, “She’s here.’

She knew immediately who I was talking about. She looked over, studied her hair and face pausing pensively, till she broke the silence saying, “She looks familiar.”

Now because of who my best friend is, I don’t really put much stock into when she says things like this. Because of her family background, she knows everybody (but like in a casual- I’ve seen that person in films or TV way). So I really didn’t take it seriously- nor freak out.

Best Friend, “Like I’ve talked to her before. I’m pretty certain we’ve met.”

By this point, I’ve stopped eating and turned to her to really gauge what she is saying. This whole time, I’ve been talking about CEO and she may even know his wife? REALLY?!? I could feel my vegan salad about to hurl out of my mouth, when she suddenly said, “Kate- Oh my God. I just realized how I know her. She works out at my gym. They pair you up with partners someones and we’ve definitely talked before. I see her pretty regularly.”

All I could think to say back was, “Are you kidding me?”

“No-not kidding.”

“Whatever you do, you can NOT accept a friendship request from her on any social media. I don’t care what happens, you promise me? She would see everything online as we post so many things about our kids etc. She can not have a window into my kids lives.”

“I promise- I won’t. I would never do such a thing. I get it…”

We left it at that…had a wonderful time. Didn’t talk about it any further, nor let her presence bother us (we were at this event to raise money for a great charity after all). The conversation was shelved and we laughed our asses off catching up over life, our kids, the men she is dating etc.

When it was time to leave the event, I looked up and CEO’s wife’s table was completely empty. I was so busy chit-chatting, I hadn’t even noticed her party exiting past our table. Shortly after, we decided to get up and leave. As you can imagine, the valet was a zoo with 500+ women all needing their cars at once. My other friend had purchased the center piece for our table, and she needed to use the restroom. So she kindly asked if I would hold it for her, till she got back to the valet.

So here I am- standing there at the valet, holding this ginormous centerpiece which weighed a ton. It’s taking forever for my friend to come to the valet and take it back from me. Its also taking forever for the cars to move, because all these women are fluffing about putting things in their trunks and generally holding up the entire flow of the valet line. Cars can’t get in, as its only three cars deep. And thats when I suddenly see her out of the corner of my eye– CEO’s wife darting out of the glass doors facing us, to her waiting car. I could have died. You couldn’t have created a more comical experience, whereby we are forced to be stuck very, very close to one another. It was like something out of a bad movie.

I cracked a smile to my best friend, “Oh geez, I thought she left. But she’s right there.” By now we are cracking up together, yet none of our other friends realize the awkwardness of the situation. I whispered, “Should I put this centerpiece here *covering my face*?” By now we are just trying to get our damn car so we can leave said swanky hotel. When I turned to my best friend and said, “Is she looking over here?”

And right at the moment- she slowly inched forward in the que of cars driving out of the hotel valet line. And as she did, she turned her face and gave me the dirtiest look.

Me, “Did you see that? Or am I imagining things?”

Best Friend, “Oooooooohhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh—that was the dirtiest look ever.”

Me, “So its not my imagination?’

BF, “No- that was definitely directed to you.”

And that my friends is the moment I knew 1000% that CEO’s wife knew who I was. Up until that point, she was nothing but a woman void of expressions.

***

…The following Tuesday

….at the gym

(to be continued)

Wonder

Since Dday, I have always wondered if CEO still thinks of me. As childlike as this may sound, I couldn’t fathom that men in general, simply shut out memories forever. That they are THAT capable of compartmentalizing an entire relationship in milliseconds. Logically, there are many male bloggers that wax and wane about their AP’s, so I know some men do. But they tend to come across as somewhat Emo, which CEO definitely was not.

There were times that I justified him as being some pathological liar or sociopath- just to rationalize things he said to me, or specific conversations we had throughout our relationship together. But deep down, I knew he wasn’t. I was kidding myself (although all the data says, sociopaths comprise more CEO’s than any other profession- just sayin).

This question has lingered throughout the years and I’ve wondered on and off, “Does he still think of me? Like I still think of him?”

After my last post, I decided that I should start writing again after a commenter mentioned they were happy to see I was still writing. For me, the only way I can tell my story is to go back. Go back in time and log in to things I haven’t read in a long, long time.

And there it was. The answer that I’ve always wondered about…

…

……

………

Last active 1 week ago

My heart stopped and I could barely breathe as I saw his name, with the log-in details showing. I never thought in a million years I would ever see that. I haven’t logged in for years and the one time I do- it shows he was just there? It hit me like a ton of bricks.

And then the realization set in: his timing was not lost on me…it was within a day or two of my birthday.

He’s thinking of me. I know it. There’s absolutely no reason for him to be logged into there.

And no- this doesn’t change anything. We are both where we should be: with our spouses. And no- I won’t reach out to him. If he wanted to talk to me, he knows how to find me. For the record, I would absolutely speak with him. Too much damage and hurt has occurred to not seek true closure. To wish my friend well.

But friends- my head is spinning…with CEO most certainly on my mind.

And me- on his.

Yesterday

CEO took me to a beautiful hotel overlooking the Pacific Ocean during the early lust-filled days of our affair. I remember pulling up to the resort feeling so special as he held my hand in the car. As he drove through the windy roads, traversing through the canyons, the peek-a-boo views of the Pacific ocean glistened in my eyes. As his sportscar purred along the asphalt, I stared at the eroding sandstone cliffs daydreaming.

“Here, this is for you” he said, as he pulled a card out of the middle compartment.

I smiled.

Couldn’t help it.

This millennial was blowing me away. That…was unexpected. Looking back, I can honestly say these little gestures were reminiscent of any early courtship – the kind you see in a normal dating situation.

In that moment, I felt special. Cherished. Appreciated. And damn right sexy as my ecru silk blouse billowed in the salty breeze.

It was a Valentine’s Day card.

His words were those of a smitten man. I blushed. Hard. Then paused for an extremely long time, trying to figure out how I should respond. And honestly, it left me speechless (something that’s a rarity for me). I didn’t know where this relationship was going but I certainly set the expectation in my head that this was sex only.

But CEO kept progressing our pace and moved things forward, like a normal dating relationship where two people are falling for one another. It confused me…but deep down, I loved it. He was so different to my husband, calm with an assertive alpha male way of handling life. It was refreshing. Very, very refreshing.

The valet took his BMW and we walked into the resort looking like a married couple. He went to check in before telling me to head down below. I found us the most perfect table, perched above the cliffs. The glass French doors were open to the Pacific Ocean and it was a stunning view, for a Tuesday morning. Golden sand. Shades of teal and blue. The sound of pounding surf below. He arrived moments later, smiling. Relaxed.

We ordered Mimosa’s and a fruit platter, then talked about his start-up. I remember him making a point of saying, “In my everyday life, I am a man of integrity. I want you to know that.” I think he was trying to convey that he really was a good guy. My gut sussed that out long ago. But obviously, we were two cheating hearts in that moment, so you can debate the merits of that yourself.

The conversation flowed as always. He would occasionally reach over and hold my hand. It was really sweet. These little gestures had long left my marriage. I had forgotten how lovely it felt to be pursued. And he did so in spades. Had it been anyone else, I wouldn’t have enjoyed it. But it was him…CEO. And I had a huge soft spot for him that was growing exponentially every week. His sheepish grin melted my heart. Those big brown eyes stared straight into my soul and we had a magnetic connection from day one.

That was three years ago. Seems like yesterday sometimes. Especially when I sit down to write and reminisce.

I have only been back to this city twice now. Each time, barely within the town border. I’ve avoided this city for a long, long time because the memories shared with CEO were perfect here. I’ve been reluctant to ever return, and especially to drive past the resort. Not sure why, other than its quite the distance for me to travel to.

But today, that all changed. I drove past the resort while I took my kids on an outing further afield. It was strange driving past the sign. Almost surreal. My heart didn’t race or anything. Had I visited years ago, that would have been the case. The adrenaline would have been pumping as I relived the memories of what occurred there. The photos flashed throughout my mind like a moving picture book.

Sex on the balcony ✔️

“That was a fantasy of mine.”

Was it? We didn’t talk about this up front. But it felt organic and natural, which is why I went along with it.

The desk ✔️

“Not quite the right height. But A for effort.”

The sofa ✔️

“Kate, that was amazing. Don’t stop grinding my cock like that.”

The corner ocean view suite- king size bed- with seagulls squawking in the distance. While I repeatedly orgasmed as he pounded my g-spot with the Njoy his wife refused to take out of the box ✔️✔️✔️

This time it was like looking through a keyhole to a past time in my life.

Like Alice in Wonderland.

Me…Wondering.

(*CEO would kill me if he knew I took a photo of this card)

Dreams

I had a dream about Niall last night. And that hasn’t happened in a long, long time my friends. Like in years.

I was walking through the beachside town, passing a little gift shop when all of a sudden, I heard my name being called out.

Kate!

Glancing back over my left shoulder, there Niall was, standing in front of quaint men’s store which does not exist in real life. My eyes met his and I stood there on the sidewalk stoically, unable and unwilling to react whatsoever. My pupils did not dialate nor did I break out in a huge Cheshire Cat grin. It was as if we were frozen in time, suspended for many moments.

I took a breathe without parting my lips and finally, Niall tilted his head backwards, gesturing for me to meet him outside the store.

I don’t recall thinking anything during that time but my feet suddenly moved. And within a moment, I was sitting down on an ipe bench facing the Pacific Ocean with Niall seated to the right of me.

I didn’t say anything. I just sat there listening to the pounding surf below.

The familiarity was there in an instant, along with his signature cologne. He was dressed sharp, of course- he always knew how to dress. And he still had those baby faced good looks.

He stared at me while I looked out towards the sea. I glanced down and saw that his hands were clasped together, with his legs far apart. He leaned forward onto his elbows, took a deep breathe in and broke our silence.

“Kate, when you have 20 million dollars of your own money sunk into a company, there’s a lot on the line. I wanted to buy the lot behind our house and I had investors breathing down my neck. I’ve been so unbelievably busy…”

As I looked out at the waves, I could see his mouth moving but I could no longer hear what he said. My own thoughts took over, becoming center stage. And they were spinning fast. “Did he really just start this conversation off talking about his bank account? He didn’t even ask you how you’ve been. He didn’t even apologize for the hell he put you through…”

As he continued to speak, I stood up and walked away. Step by step, his voice drowned out amongst the crashing waves. I could tell he had risen and heard the sound of his shoes pivot towards me. But he stopped. I thought for one millisecond that I should turn around, and look at him one last time. But I knew better.

Instead, I continued to walk forward, overcome with a sense of peace. Away from Niall.

As the distance grew between us, he became a smoky shadowy blur. Like a dark cloud way behind me.

I woke up suddenly to Zane grabbing the pillow off my head, smashing his adorable face into mine whispering, “Mama, for Christmas will you buy me a Lego police station?”

Ahhh, real life. My life. I love it!

***

(Feel free to comment and discern what you think this dream means.)

Butterflies

As I looked down at Niall’s message, I felt a twinge of curiosity. Who was this guy? His message seemed so harmless. So simple. So innocent. What could possibly happen by replying? I didn’t get the feeling that this conversation would go anywhere, which I can say in hindsight, provided a false sense of security. Or maybe I was already compartmentalizing or justifying my behavior. But I definitely didn’t think at the time that this would end up in an actual, long-term affair. I really didn’t.

Feeling confident, I hit the reply button and responded to the faceless profile photo and generic name: beachCEO

For some reason, I thought about Billy in that moment. And how we had locked eyes across the bar and had mad chemistry at that first glance. That was what I was chasing…not an affair. I was chasing butterflies.

Well this would be interesting seeing as I am older than you! Hahahaha, but in all seriousness, after reading your profile, you seem to be seeking most of what I am too. And logistically, you’re my neighbor so this could work out perfectly. But I am really picky. And what I crave is that instant attraction, the one that makes your heart flutter and you can’t wait to see them again. And I am patient, so although AM markets itself as “the place” to have an affair, so far, I haven’t found anyone “affair worthy” or worth my time.

I have only given my photo out once. I don’t keep any photos on AM. So if we chat long enough and I feel a connection, perhaps we can meet for a drink. I would send you my photo long before that of course. But the one guy who met me said I was beautiful, girl next door, refreshing, couldn’t believe I was on AM, a busy-mom-on-the-go, down to earth, and very easy going.

So tell me about yourself. What is your ideal situation? Are you married or just in a relationship? Depending on your answers, I will give you my personal email and then we can chat from there…

Hi there. Yes, I am married. Two kids. I am very new to this site. Not looking to change my situation (nor anyone else’s). But looking to find someone I connect with mentally as well as physically. Most importantly, I am looking for absolute discretion. I take care of myself and hope to find someone who does as well. Love to cook (can make a mean lamb roast) and love to travel when I’m not working. You could say I am a bit of a foodie. I’m an executive working in start-ups, looking to find someone special who will literally take my breathe away.

What about you? Have you traveled much?

I hope you have a nice day 😉

Me too. Married, not looking to change my situation whatsoever. But I miss that spark that comes with someone new. I am very new to this site as well. Like I said before, I’ve only shared my photo once (the guy I met for a drink).

I’m 5’6, 135 lbs, brownish blonde hair, green eyes, tan, fit. I am not going to say I have the body of an 18 year old. Heck, I have had two kids! But yes, I take care of myself as well. I run 4-5 times a week. Love to be outdoors etc.

I use to live in Europe, have traveled all over the world…EU, Africa, south east Asia, Oz/NZ, Fiji etc.

Discretion, of course, is part of this. It’s imperative 🙂

Hope you have a good day as well.

Did you really travel to all of those places? I’m officially jealous. I’ve always wanted to do a safari in Africa. You’ll have to tell me all about it when we get a drink. My favorite country in Europe is Italy. The food and the wine are phenomenal. And the architecture! You must go, if you haven’t been yet.

And I want to assure you now, that I am not interested in the body of an eighteen year old. Chemistry matters most to me…and finding a sexy, classy woman is what I seek- which by the sound of it, you are 😉

You must get inundated with messages all day. I’m flattered that you responded to mine. Tell me more about yourself. I want to discern your tastes and know more about you. Do you have any plans for NY’s?

Your friend,

Niall

Wow…he gave me his name. That’s brave. It must be fake. Or he is really stupid to be putting his real name out there like that. I couldn’t help but think, “Keep your guard up, Kate. You don’t know who this guy is. He could be some axe murderer for all you know.” But there is a certain level of faith one needs to have when dipping your toes into these cheating waters. But I…wasn’t quite there yet.

Cautious. That was me. Niall would have to gain my trust before I would ever reveal who I was…or agree to meet in person. I took a deep breathe, twirled a lock of hair between my fingers, then abruptly formulated my response. Our messages, were like a tennis match, volleying back and forth in real time.

I too want that chemistry, which can be so elusive. If I am going to cheat, it’s going to be with someone who rocks my world for lack of a better phrase. So far most of the guys on AM are Neanderthals!

I have lived an interesting life. I am sure you have too. I moved abroad in my twenties, first Paris then London where I finally lived for about 6 years. I worked for various fashion companies. Then relocated back to the states where I continued to work.

As for NY’s, 1 party…not sure if we will go. Our sitter is sick so it will be a game day decision. What about you? Fascinate me with your life story in a paragraph or two 😉

It was at this point, that I took a breather from our conversation. Time was flying by and I was getting sucked into this non-stop conversation. Which if you knew me, wasn’t really my thing. I had things to do…miles I wanted to run. And kids that needed tending to. Talking to Niall was bleeding into “my time” throughout the day. And I noticed that immediately (this is a huge warning sign of affairs).

I grabbed my running shoes and started lacing them up. But not before refreshing my inbox one last time. There, on the page, was a shiny golden key which Niall had sent me. For those of you unfamiliar with how AM works, that means you’ve been sent private photos. I immediately clicked on the message and staring back at me was a baby faced, slightly rounded face, 34 year old. One photo was a close up in business attire while the other was a full length, in more casual clothing. He had dark brown hair and chestnut eyes. Was definitely taller than me but looked very, VERY young. That wasn’t really the look I was aiming for (I wanted someone older, slightly greying- like Billy, to be honest).

I only had an instant to stare at his photos. Because at that very moment, my husband came home and flung open our bedroom door.

I quickly turned off my computer, laced up my running shoes and headed out the door….chasing butterflies.

Pondering

Something has been on my mind. And I really can’t talk about this anywhere else but here.

I was thinking about this the other day. The fact that, even though I had an anonymous blog, I never did write about my affair with Nial. I never processed it- well at least on paper I never did.

I ran. And that became my therapy, spending countless hours rehashing everything Niall ever said to me. And going over everything a million times in my head. To the point of exhaustion and finally letting him and the memories of him go.

For roughly two years, I was ok. But then my health declined. And I’ve wondered now…did the stress of everything cause my auto-immune disease? Should I have blogged about it? Would that have helped?

I’m such an independent person. And although I love to write, back then, I just needed the solitude as the pain was too great to even articulate.

I loved Niall. And despite knowing in my heart that we should both stay with our spouses, it didn’t change the fact that I loved him dearly. And losing him from my life cut deeper than I said. The pain of losing him was brutal…as well as the aftermath of our affair.

Because I am stubborn and independent, I’m not someone to raise my hand saying, “I need help.” I handle everything on my own. Always have, always will. Is that detrimental to my health?

What if that mentality backfired and triggered an auto-immune disease to develop?

I have so many thoughts along these lines. I would love to purge myself of any memories of Niall. But I can’t. That’s not how affairs and memories work. Niall is still there….

Sure you move on, but the memories are like a caboose that follows you around. Depending on the curvature of the track, sometimes you see them clearly. Other times they are hidden from view, stuck in a dark tunnel, as you chug along the track.

It doesn’t help that I ran into Niall’s wife last week at the annual Christmas Lighting ceremony. Vivianne had run ahead to look at a store window display since it was decorated for the holidays. As I stood on the north side windows, less than 8 feet away, there she stood staring at the very same display- but from another angle.

My heart dropped. And I scanned the crowd like an FBI agent, while feverishly texting my best friend to, “Fuck! Come to X,Y,Z store NOW!” Bless her heart, she was there in minutes, as we had gone together to the event.

Niall wasn’t there but of course, it made me think of him. How could I not? One second I am enjoying the holidays, the next second, that Niall caboose was suddenly the first carriage of my memory train. Front and center…and it all came flooding back.

So the memories have been triggered by another casual run in. It’s bound to happen where we live. So it’s kind of expected, but still a shocker every time. It doesn’t get any easier. The entire thing has made me wonder if I should finally write my affair story. And get it all out on paper.

Do I need to process something? Could it make my condition worse? Is it somehow causing my current condition?

I don’t feel stressed, as of today. But then again, if the doctors knew about what I have gone through these past few years, I wonder if they would say, “Yeah, stress can cause all sorts of symptoms. Even yours.” Or, “Absolutely not. Stress wouldn’t cause this. And could not trigger an auto-immune disease.”

I would love to hear your honest thoughts…as this is a sincere question and point of discussion going around in my head.

Empathy

My good friend Madeline over at https://madelineharper09.com blogged about the ending of her affair. For those of you who follow my blog, I haven’t even begun to write much about mine but suffice to say, our stories have overlapped since the beginning. She has since moved on but it was difficult for me to read along, as I’ve been there. I empathized with her pain, as well as knew first hand the pain of being a betrayed spouse. I also understood her affair partners reluctance to engage in the relationship any further. Juggling two relationships takes more work than anyone realizes (take my word). It taxes the mental file boxes so to speak.

Grief. Confusion. Pain. Sorrow. Love. Fear.

So many emotions pulse through your veins when facing the end of an affair. I haven’t divulged about my affair, but I wanted to share an actual email which I sent to CEO at the end. It mirrors so much of Madeline’s pain. Our lovers may be different, but I get where Madeline was at. I understand how it feels breathing through a vice-grip day in and day out, all while trying to function for your children. As humans we strive for knowledge, to make sense of our world and the relationships within and around it. At least we should.

Esther Perel once said, “Depending on the circumstances, anyone is capable of anything. This is a crucial piece of knowledge to hold, if there is true intention, to engage empathically with our fellow human beings. It is easy to cast off those that perpetrate or endure horrific things, as being unlike us or different in some way. And my worry is if we operate from that standpoint, we will always be operating from a place of disconnection and isolation. Empathy entails putting yourself in the shoes of another. It is important that we all challenge ourselves to cultivate this ability, because given the right circumstances or right conditions, we are all capable of anything.

The importance of struggle and pain is crucial to the development of character. The process of recovery is transformational. There is a great cost to the character of human beings if things are achieved too easily.”

As I followed Madeline’s journey, I couldn’t help but sincerely wish that her pain transformed her, just as the pain I caused transformed me. You should realize, I am in a different place than when I wrote this letter. But make no mistake, I sat in the crosshairs of gut-wrenching pain and my consequences for a long, long time. I struggled immensely, yet grew out of those ashes into a better person–a better wife–a better friend and better mother to those around me.

***

I came to the beach and ran all the way to the end. I wanted to feel close to you. To see your face amongst the crowds. Maybe even bump into you going for a run (we never did race!!)

My mind pondered so many things, thinking how just 1 week ago you said “I want you.” And how on a dime, that suddenly changed. I still don’t get it.

I ask myself constantly “Did he ever truly care for me?” You said you weren’t the man I thought you were. What does that mean???

I think you did care for me but I am so confused. I reached for my tablet this morning, wanting to turn it on to see if you had written. But I had to stop myself as this habit is so ingrained in me, to include you in my day to day life.

Last night, I took Vivianne to the outdoor concert. I left my phone at home by accident. Normally, I would have sent you a message talking about date night or our plans for the weekend. And in that moment, I realised just how much your presence truly was in my life.

We may have started off as adventure seeking lovers but you became one of my closest friends over the past six months. And I adored that CEO. Simply put, losing you and your friendship hurts me the most. I have felt your support and laughter through so many months now, seeking advice, sharing my thoughts, concerns, fantasies and more.

I grew….as a person…..by knowing you CEO. That is one compliment which I’ve never said to anyone. Read that sentence again, slower now. Because very few people have ever come into my life and impacted me in so many ways. You are one of them–having made such an impression on my heart.

I look for the number 1 to appear in my inbox all the time. Seeing a message from “CEO” pop up gave me companionship during the chaos and monotony of my days. I noticed your name says ceo (lowercase) now in my inbox. And I wonder what you changed in your settings. I wonder if this is another step forward to disconnecting what had been our connected lives. It makes me well up in tears and I fan my face trying to breathe through the pain.

I hear footsteps behind me as I sit here watching the waves. And I wish they were yours so that I could tell you just how much I will miss you in my life. Waves of grief wash over me as if I have lost an arm or something. It hurts that much.

As I ran here today, I saw a vision of me working late at night putting together a business plan. The next picture was me at a table negotiating with a bunch of executives. Then finally another picture of me reading a news article talking about my company. I was giving an interview and they were asking “How did a mom get involved in the industry–how did you do it?” And I answered, “I met someone who inspired me to dream again. A CEO who showed me how to juggle a house of cards….I dedicate this to him.”

With that picture in my mind, I burst into tears thinking that in time, you and I will be referred to in the past tense. I never want to lose your friendship and tried to ask you how our interactions would be going forward. Likely this may happen over time. But right now, I can’t let go of someone whose friendship meant the most to me of all.

I care about you…always will. And CEO–you may not feel that you are a great person. But I felt it with you. And I know you are. I still believe in you. Everything with you was magical and that is how I will remember us.

***

I remember being in so much pain when I wrote those words. Thinking of not hearing from CEO every day ripped my heart out of my chest. Our lives had become so intertwined, both of us were a source of encouragement to the other. Whether he was having a bad day because an investor pulled out, or if I was struggling with the work I was handling–we always reached out. Losing his friendship was the death kneel, but I knew No Contact would be for life. It killed me to think I would never see his smile again. Never hear his laugh. Never share our fantasy world again.

But…over a year later, I can say that the pain diminished enough to function. It waxed and waned over those first few months but the overall trajectory was there. Two years after Dday, you are solidly looking forward and living your life, without the constant feeling of missing their presence. It may not feel that way in the beginning (the first three months of No Contact are brutal) but you do get through it. Make no mistakes, you carry the memories of them wherever you go, but they’ve been relegated to a filing cabinet that rarely gets unlocked. The mental pictures you had swirling around in your head for so long, become fuzzy. You don’t see their face with clarity and definition any longer. It’s like they become a photo or snippet of a movie, when memories pop up. And you are seeing it from afar.

I believe in order to move forward in your life, at some point you stop looking back so much. You just do-instinctually. You begin to live more in the present and little by little, you dust yourself off and rebuild your life. One day at a time.

In the beginning, it’s an accomplishment to not burst into tears every time you drive or hear a song on the radio. Or maybe just being present long enough to say, “I’m good, thanks” when a grocery clerk asks how you are. A few moments suddenly becomes a few hours, and then it grows to a whole morning that you didn’t think about “them”. As time moves forward, eventually days fly by. And one day, maybe a whole year later, you get an entire week or two as a reprieve for your hard work. That’s pretty much the first year after Dday in a nutshell, my friends.

Truthfully though, you won’t ever forget your affair partner. The good memories or bad ones–they are in that memory bank for life I’m afraid. But you do heal. You do. In time.

I’m proof of it Madeline.