Affairs

Dreams

I had a dream about Niall last night. And that hasn’t happened in a long, long time my friends. Like in years.

I was walking through the beachside town, passing a little gift shop when all of a sudden, I heard my name being called out.

Kate!

Glancing back over my left shoulder, there Niall was, standing in front of quaint men’s store which does not exist in real life. My eyes met his and I stood there on the sidewalk stoically, unable and unwilling to react whatsoever. My pupils did not dialate nor did I break out in a huge Cheshire Cat grin. It was as if we were frozen in time, suspended for many moments.

I took a breathe without parting my lips and finally, Niall tilted his head backwards, gesturing for me to meet him outside the store.

I don’t recall thinking anything during that time but my feet suddenly moved. And within a moment, I was sitting down on an ipe bench facing the Pacific Ocean with Niall seated to the right of me.

I didn’t say anything. I just sat there listening to the pounding surf below.

The familiarity was there in an instant, along with his signature cologne. He was dressed sharp, of course- he always knew how to dress. And he still had those baby faced good looks.

He stared at me while I looked out towards the sea. I glanced down and saw that his hands were clasped together, with his legs far apart. He leaned forward onto his elbows, took a deep breathe in and broke our silence.

“Kate, when you have 20 million dollars of your own money sunk into a company, there’s a lot on the line. I wanted to buy the lot behind our house and I had investors breathing down my neck. I’ve been so unbelievably busy…”

As I looked out at the waves, I could see his mouth moving but I could no longer hear what he said. My own thoughts took over, becoming center stage. And they were spinning fast. “Did he really just start this conversation off talking about his bank account? He didn’t even ask you how you’ve been. He didn’t even apologize for the hell he put you through…”

As he continued to speak, I stood up and walked away. Step by step, his voice drowned out amongst the crashing waves. I could tell he had risen and heard the sound of his shoes pivot towards me. But he stopped. I thought for one millisecond that I should turn around, and look at him one last time. But I knew better.

Instead, I continued to walk forward, overcome with a sense of peace. Away from Niall.

As the distance grew between us, he became a smoky shadowy blur. Like a dark cloud way behind me.

I woke up suddenly to Zane grabbing the pillow off my head, smashing his adorable face into mine whispering, “Mama, for Christmas will you buy me a Lego police station?”

Ahhh, real life. My life. I love it!

***

(Feel free to comment and discern what you think this dream means.)

Butterflies

As I looked down at Niall’s message, I felt a twinge of curiosity. Who was this guy? His message seemed so harmless. So simple. So innocent. What could possibly happen by replying? I didn’t get the feeling that this conversation would go anywhere, which I can say in hindsight, provided a false sense of security. Or maybe I was already compartmentalizing or justifying my behavior. But I definitely didn’t think at the time that this would end up in an actual, long-term affair. I really didn’t.

Feeling confident, I hit the reply button and responded to the faceless profile photo and generic name: beachCEO

For some reason, I thought about Billy in that moment. And how we had locked eyes across the bar and had mad chemistry at that first glance. That was what I was chasing…not an affair. I was chasing butterflies.

Well this would be interesting seeing as I am older than you! Hahahaha, but in all seriousness, after reading your profile, you seem to be seeking most of what I am too. And logistically, you’re my neighbor so this could work out perfectly. But I am really picky. And what I crave is that instant attraction, the one that makes your heart flutter and you can’t wait to see them again. And I am patient, so although AM markets itself as “the place” to have an affair, so far, I haven’t found anyone “affair worthy” or worth my time.

I have only given my photo out once. I don’t keep any photos on AM. So if we chat long enough and I feel a connection, perhaps we can meet for a drink. I would send you my photo long before that of course. But the one guy who met me said I was beautiful, girl next door, refreshing, couldn’t believe I was on AM, a busy-mom-on-the-go, down to earth, and very easy going.

So tell me about yourself. What is your ideal situation? Are you married or just in a relationship? Depending on your answers, I will give you my personal email and then we can chat from there…

Hi there. Yes, I am married. Two kids. I am very new to this site. Not looking to change my situation (nor anyone else’s). But looking to find someone I connect with mentally as well as physically. Most importantly, I am looking for absolute discretion. I take care of myself and hope to find someone who does as well. Love to cook (can make a mean lamb roast) and love to travel when I’m not working. You could say I am a bit of a foodie. I’m an executive working in start-ups, looking to find someone special who will literally take my breathe away.

What about you? Have you traveled much?

I hope you have a nice day 😉

Me too. Married, not looking to change my situation whatsoever. But I miss that spark that comes with someone new. I am very new to this site as well. Like I said before, I’ve only shared my photo once (the guy I met for a drink).

I’m 5’6, 135 lbs, brownish blonde hair, green eyes, tan, fit. I am not going to say I have the body of an 18 year old. Heck, I have had two kids! But yes, I take care of myself as well. I run 4-5 times a week. Love to be outdoors etc.

I use to live in Europe, have traveled all over the world…EU, Africa, south east Asia, Oz/NZ, Fiji etc.

Discretion, of course, is part of this. It’s imperative 🙂

Hope you have a good day as well.

Did you really travel to all of those places? I’m officially jealous. I’ve always wanted to do a safari in Africa. You’ll have to tell me all about it when we get a drink. My favorite country in Europe is Italy. The food and the wine are phenomenal. And the architecture! You must go, if you haven’t been yet.

And I want to assure you now, that I am not interested in the body of an eighteen year old. Chemistry matters most to me…and finding a sexy, classy woman is what I seek- which by the sound of it, you are 😉

You must get inundated with messages all day. I’m flattered that you responded to mine. Tell me more about yourself. I want to discern your tastes and know more about you. Do you have any plans for NY’s?

Your friend,

Niall

Wow…he gave me his name. That’s brave. It must be fake. Or he is really stupid to be putting his real name out there like that. I couldn’t help but think, “Keep your guard up, Kate. You don’t know who this guy is. He could be some axe murderer for all you know.” But there is a certain level of faith one needs to have when dipping your toes into these cheating waters. But I…wasn’t quite there yet.

Cautious. That was me. Niall would have to gain my trust before I would ever reveal who I was…or agree to meet in person. I took a deep breathe, twirled a lock of hair between my fingers, then abruptly formulated my response. Our messages, were like a tennis match, volleying back and forth in real time.

I too want that chemistry, which can be so elusive. If I am going to cheat, it’s going to be with someone who rocks my world for lack of a better phrase. So far most of the guys on AM are Neanderthals!

I have lived an interesting life. I am sure you have too. I moved abroad in my twenties, first Paris then London where I finally lived for about 6 years. I worked for various fashion companies. Then relocated back to the states where I continued to work.

As for NY’s, 1 party…not sure if we will go. Our sitter is sick so it will be a game day decision. What about you? Fascinate me with your life story in a paragraph or two 😉

It was at this point, that I took a breather from our conversation. Time was flying by and I was getting sucked into this non-stop conversation. Which if you knew me, wasn’t really my thing. I had things to do…miles I wanted to run. And kids that needed tending to. Talking to Niall was bleeding into “my time” throughout the day. And I noticed that immediately (this is a huge warning sign of affairs).

I grabbed my running shoes and started lacing them up. But not before refreshing my inbox one last time. There, on the page, was a shiny golden key which Niall had sent me. For those of you unfamiliar with how AM works, that means you’ve been sent private photos. I immediately clicked on the message and staring back at me was a baby faced, slightly rounded face, 34 year old. One photo was a close up in business attire while the other was a full length, in more casual clothing. He had dark brown hair and chestnut eyes. Was definitely taller than me but looked very, VERY young. That wasn’t really the look I was aiming for (I wanted someone older, slightly greying- like Billy, to be honest).

I only had an instant to stare at his photos. Because at that very moment, my husband came home and flung open our bedroom door.

I quickly turned off my computer, laced up my running shoes and headed out the door….chasing butterflies.

Pondering

Something has been on my mind. And I really can’t talk about this anywhere else but here.

I was thinking about this the other day. The fact that, even though I had an anonymous blog, I never did write about my affair with Nial. I never processed it- well at least on paper I never did.

I ran. And that became my therapy, spending countless hours rehashing everything Niall ever said to me. And going over everything a million times in my head. To the point of exhaustion and finally letting him and the memories of him go.

For roughly two years, I was ok. But then my health declined. And I’ve wondered now…did the stress of everything cause my auto-immune disease? Should I have blogged about it? Would that have helped?

I’m such an independent person. And although I love to write, back then, I just needed the solitude as the pain was too great to even articulate.

I loved Niall. And despite knowing in my heart that we should both stay with our spouses, it didn’t change the fact that I loved him dearly. And losing him from my life cut deeper than I said. The pain of losing him was brutal…as well as the aftermath of our affair.

Because I am stubborn and independent, I’m not someone to raise my hand saying, “I need help.” I handle everything on my own. Always have, always will. Is that detrimental to my health?

What if that mentality backfired and triggered an auto-immune disease to develop?

I have so many thoughts along these lines. I would love to purge myself of any memories of Niall. But I can’t. That’s not how affairs and memories work. Niall is still there….

Sure you move on, but the memories are like a caboose that follows you around. Depending on the curvature of the track, sometimes you see them clearly. Other times they are hidden from view, stuck in a dark tunnel, as you chug along the track.

It doesn’t help that I ran into Niall’s wife last week at the annual Christmas Lighting ceremony. Vivianne had run ahead to look at a store window display since it was decorated for the holidays. As I stood on the north side windows, less than 8 feet away, there she stood staring at the very same display- but from another angle.

My heart dropped. And I scanned the crowd like an FBI agent, while feverishly texting my best friend to, “Fuck! Come to X,Y,Z store NOW!” Bless her heart, she was there in minutes, as we had gone together to the event.

Niall wasn’t there but of course, it made me think of him. How could I not? One second I am enjoying the holidays, the next second, that Niall caboose was suddenly the first carriage of my memory train. Front and center…and it all came flooding back.

So the memories have been triggered by another casual run in. It’s bound to happen where we live. So it’s kind of expected, but still a shocker every time. It doesn’t get any easier. The entire thing has made me wonder if I should finally write my affair story. And get it all out on paper.

Do I need to process something? Could it make my condition worse? Is it somehow causing my current condition?

I don’t feel stressed, as of today. But then again, if the doctors knew about what I have gone through these past few years, I wonder if they would say, “Yeah, stress can cause all sorts of symptoms. Even yours.” Or, “Absolutely not. Stress wouldn’t cause this. And could not trigger an auto-immune disease.”

I would love to hear your honest thoughts…as this is a sincere question and point of discussion going around in my head.

Empathy

My good friend Madeline over at https://madelineharper09.com blogged about the ending of her affair. For those of you who follow my blog, I haven’t even begun to write much about mine but suffice to say, our stories have overlapped since the beginning. She has since moved on but it was difficult for me to read along, as I’ve been there. I empathized with her pain, as well as knew first hand the pain of being a betrayed spouse. I also understood her affair partners reluctance to engage in the relationship any further. Juggling two relationships takes more work than anyone realizes (take my word). It taxes the mental file boxes so to speak.

Grief. Confusion. Pain. Sorrow. Love. Fear.

So many emotions pulse through your veins when facing the end of an affair. I haven’t divulged about my affair, but I wanted to share an actual email which I sent to CEO at the end. It mirrors so much of Madeline’s pain. Our lovers may be different, but I get where Madeline was at. I understand how it feels breathing through a vice-grip day in and day out, all while trying to function for your children. As humans we strive for knowledge, to make sense of our world and the relationships within and around it. At least we should.

Esther Perel once said, “Depending on the circumstances, anyone is capable of anything. This is a crucial piece of knowledge to hold, if there is true intention, to engage empathically with our fellow human beings. It is easy to cast off those that perpetrate or endure horrific things, as being unlike us or different in some way. And my worry is if we operate from that standpoint, we will always be operating from a place of disconnection and isolation. Empathy entails putting yourself in the shoes of another. It is important that we all challenge ourselves to cultivate this ability, because given the right circumstances or right conditions, we are all capable of anything.

The importance of struggle and pain is crucial to the development of character. The process of recovery is transformational. There is a great cost to the character of human beings if things are achieved too easily.”

As I followed Madeline’s journey, I couldn’t help but sincerely wish that her pain transformed her, just as the pain I caused transformed me. You should realize, I am in a different place than when I wrote this letter. But make no mistake, I sat in the crosshairs of gut-wrenching pain and my consequences for a long, long time. I struggled immensely, yet grew out of those ashes into a better person–a better wife–a better friend and better mother to those around me.

***

I came to the beach and ran all the way to the end. I wanted to feel close to you. To see your face amongst the crowds. Maybe even bump into you going for a run (we never did race!!)

My mind pondered so many things, thinking how just 1 week ago you said “I want you.” And how on a dime, that suddenly changed. I still don’t get it.

I ask myself constantly “Did he ever truly care for me?” You said you weren’t the man I thought you were. What does that mean???

I think you did care for me but I am so confused. I reached for my tablet this morning, wanting to turn it on to see if you had written. But I had to stop myself as this habit is so ingrained in me, to include you in my day to day life.

Last night, I took Vivianne to the outdoor concert. I left my phone at home by accident. Normally, I would have sent you a message talking about date night or our plans for the weekend. And in that moment, I realised just how much your presence truly was in my life.

We may have started off as adventure seeking lovers but you became one of my closest friends over the past six months. And I adored that CEO. Simply put, losing you and your friendship hurts me the most. I have felt your support and laughter through so many months now, seeking advice, sharing my thoughts, concerns, fantasies and more.

I grew….as a person…..by knowing you CEO. That is one compliment which I’ve never said to anyone. Read that sentence again, slower now. Because very few people have ever come into my life and impacted me in so many ways. You are one of them–having made such an impression on my heart.

I look for the number 1 to appear in my inbox all the time. Seeing a message from “CEO” pop up gave me companionship during the chaos and monotony of my days. I noticed your name says ceo (lowercase) now in my inbox. And I wonder what you changed in your settings. I wonder if this is another step forward to disconnecting what had been our connected lives. It makes me well up in tears and I fan my face trying to breathe through the pain.

I hear footsteps behind me as I sit here watching the waves. And I wish they were yours so that I could tell you just how much I will miss you in my life. Waves of grief wash over me as if I have lost an arm or something. It hurts that much.

As I ran here today, I saw a vision of me working late at night putting together a business plan. The next picture was me at a table negotiating with a bunch of executives. Then finally another picture of me reading a news article talking about my company. I was giving an interview and they were asking “How did a mom get involved in the industry–how did you do it?” And I answered, “I met someone who inspired me to dream again. A CEO who showed me how to juggle a house of cards….I dedicate this to him.”

With that picture in my mind, I burst into tears thinking that in time, you and I will be referred to in the past tense. I never want to lose your friendship and tried to ask you how our interactions would be going forward. Likely this may happen over time. But right now, I can’t let go of someone whose friendship meant the most to me of all.

I care about you…always will. And CEO–you may not feel that you are a great person. But I felt it with you. And I know you are. I still believe in you. Everything with you was magical and that is how I will remember us.

***

I remember being in so much pain when I wrote those words. Thinking of not hearing from CEO every day ripped my heart out of my chest. Our lives had become so intertwined, both of us were a source of encouragement to the other. Whether he was having a bad day because an investor pulled out, or if I was struggling with the work I was handling–we always reached out. Losing his friendship was the death kneel, but I knew No Contact would be for life. It killed me to think I would never see his smile again. Never hear his laugh. Never share our fantasy world again.

But…over a year later, I can say that the pain diminished enough to function. It waxed and waned over those first few months but the overall trajectory was there. Two years after Dday, you are solidly looking forward and living your life, without the constant feeling of missing their presence. It may not feel that way in the beginning (the first three months of No Contact are brutal) but you do get through it. Make no mistakes, you carry the memories of them wherever you go, but they’ve been relegated to a filing cabinet that rarely gets unlocked. The mental pictures you had swirling around in your head for so long, become fuzzy. You don’t see their face with clarity and definition any longer. It’s like they become a photo or snippet of a movie, when memories pop up. And you are seeing it from afar.

I believe in order to move forward in your life, at some point you stop looking back so much. You just do-instinctually. You begin to live more in the present and little by little, you dust yourself off and rebuild your life. One day at a time.

In the beginning, it’s an accomplishment to not burst into tears every time you drive or hear a song on the radio. Or maybe just being present long enough to say, “I’m good, thanks” when a grocery clerk asks how you are. A few moments suddenly becomes a few hours, and then it grows to a whole morning that you didn’t think about “them”. As time moves forward, eventually days fly by. And one day, maybe a whole year later, you get an entire week or two as a reprieve for your hard work. That’s pretty much the first year after Dday in a nutshell, my friends.

Truthfully though, you won’t ever forget your affair partner. The good memories or bad ones–they are in that memory bank for life I’m afraid. But you do heal. You do. In time.

I’m proof of it Madeline.

Heaven

I just have to say, I’m in heaven…sigh

and

P.S. I lava you guys!!

Paradise

Well we finally arrived after two flights and a long layover in between. The kids took it in stride and even walked themselves through immigration. I feared they would be asleep and we would be carrying them ourselves, since that is when they are normally sleeping. But it worked out perfectly.

As we came out of the airport, someone was there to greet us with the car we had rented. No waiting in lines- wow, I could get use to this. As my husband placed our suitcases into the back of the car, he jammed his suitcase against him. His right hand caught a piece of metal which was at one time, part of a side carry handle. I looked at his face, then saw the blood, and he said, “I think I cut my finger down to the bone.”

The woman took him to a nurse who works in the airport. We sat next to our rental car saying prayers for Daddy to be ok. And for this to please, not inhibit the fun he has looked so forward to. My heart sunk knowing all the water activities we had dreamed of doing while here. Fifteen long minutes passed when Daddy suddenly appeared saying, “It’s not to the bone-just a deep cut.” Phew…a huge sigh of relief came flooding out.

We drove about an hour through villages and such, till we finally reached a stone sign. As we drove down a twisting road (think Lombard Street in San Francisco meets the jungle), we suddenly broke out in the giddiest of grins.

You park your vehicle and then the resort ferries you further down the ravine in little tuk-tuks reminiscent of the ones in Thailand, only much nicer. As the driver turned the last corner, there stood our own private butler- local drinks in hand literally welcoming us to paradise.

He brought us into our room- and it was stunning. Views of these majestic mountains coupled with white plantation shutters…four poster bed covered in a white mosquito net.

I’m a visual person so this place is a feast for your eyes and for anyone who loves architecture. I still can’t believe we are here…in such paradise enjoying our marriage and family after so much destruction. I feel grateful beyond words that my husband didn’t give up on us, that we have finally rebuilt a solid marriage where honesty reigns (despite how difficult that has been) and that we haven’t allowed our past to destroy our family.

I never thought being 2 years past Dday could feel so great…but it does. We are making new memories and CEO feels so far behind us now. This is proof that all those articles you read after Dday are true: some couples rebuild their marriages into stronger, more resilient ones. I am very grateful to say, we are one of them ❤️🌴☀️

Progress

I remember two years ago living and breathing through every single painful moment and wondering when the pain of not seeing Niall ever again would diminish. I read plenty of stories of others before me and I remember commenting on someone’s blog, “When does it get better?” A fellow blogger, Anonyman, gave me some sage advice which I’ve reflected upon, many times, over these years. It’s never quite left me. He said, “How I felt after D-Day is vastly different to how I felt one year later. Now two years later, I still think of Scarlett but not in the same way that I did back then.” That was the gist of his advice.

I remember thinking at the time, “Can I please fast forward to where you are at? Is there a magic pill I can take to erase all of the memories of him?”

So how does this relate to me now? Well, I have a few clues in my data which makes me think CEO may have found my blog. I really don’t care, if he has. I’m surprised it took him this long, although I know he is a busy man. Or rather, he always liked to portray himself as such. Maybe he wants to read my thoughts. Maybe he still thinks of me. I’ll never truly know. And really, it doesn’t really matter. Nor bother me.

For those of you wondering how to get through the devastation- for those of you googling, “How to get over an affair?” – I can tell you this: Anonyman was right. I’m approaching two years from our Dday yet it feels vastly unimportant to my current life. Yes, it stands out as a day that once signified so much pain, for a lot of people. But I have reclaimed my marriage, as best I could, after so much time has passed. I never thought I would see the day when this month would feel so ordinary. But it does. I am cognizant on a low level that this day is approaching, but also- it’s not holding me captive like it once was.

My life is very full. Very exciting. Very adventurous. Very free. I have an amazing bucket list kind of trip coming up and the irony is that, I will be landing in paradise on what was our Dday. I had no idea when I found these flights that this date synced up, to what was once, such a pivotal date. It took a few weeks before I even realized it. That’s how different things are two years past the pain. I call that progress, my friends. Progress that you don’t necessarily feel or see, when you are within the first year of Dday. Something to look forward to eh?

I can’t tell you how rewarding it felt to realize that. CEO feels so far back, that he isn’t there in the forefront of my thoughts anymore. But…and there is always a but, right? I do think of him, which I believe is normal. I only ever fell in love twice in my life: to my husband and to him. So despite where I am at with my husband, I acknowledge that I will likely always have a fondness for CEO when I look back upon our time. We had what I felt was a magical affair–gorgeous suites overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Amazing sex listening to the sound of waves crashing on the sand. Sex on the balcony–yes–bucket list. Check

But he doesn’t belong to me. He belongs to his wife. He belongs to his family. He is right where he needs to be. I always wanted the best for him-and the best is his wife, not me. And honestly, I am right where I need to be: with my husband.

Speaking of my husband, I would like to share that he has transformed into a super husband. Cape and all. He has achieved a huge recognition at work. They flew him to New York as he was nominated for an award by his Fortune 100 company. I can’t tell you how proud I was of him. Just being nominated was an honor. But the best part is- he won. And I couldn’t be happier for his success, which really transcends into our home as well. He really is living up to his potential and I think the therapy has been a huge blessing in this regard.

I will add, this is the first time he has traveled since confessing of his affairs. Previously, he was supposed to go away but then meetings took precedence and the trips were canceled. Or he found ways to mitigate him flying out, by suggesting more conference calls etc. Pretty much, we’ve skirted around this issue for a long time. He made a promise to me that we would travel along with him, if he had to do do any business trips. And that worked for a while (plus we got to enjoy the hotels while he worked!). But it’s been a long time since his confession and this time, I simply couldn’t go. The kids were getting out of school that week and it just wouldn’t work.

It was a bit nerve wracking thinking, “What if? What if he cheats on me at the event?” But I dismissed those thoughts. And honestly, we kept in constant contact. He missed all the important end of school activities, which of course brought a few tears to my eyes. All the fathers were there-except him. But thank God for FaceTime. The technology of today brought our family together, despite the miles.

So where are we at today? Well school is out. Summer is here. And I am five hours away from boarding a flight to an amazing destination with the people who love me the most. I can’t wait to land in paradise. I have spent countless hours planning this trip and I can honestly say, it’s going to be an amazing adventure. Not only will I be drooling over the resorts architecture, but I will be lounging on one of the most stunning beaches in the world. Taking in the beauty, soaking in gratitude and love and reflecting upon our progress thus far.

Two years post Dday…and life is pretty epic my friends!

But it took a helluva lot of work to get here.

Boy, was it worth it.