Millenial

(I haven’t resumed my story telling in a long time.  My blog kinda took a U-turn and I started writing more in the moment, and less about CEO and I.  Here’s another installment which resumes after the ‘Butterflies’ post)

Returning from my run, I jumped in the shower and continued to wonder about Niall. Truth be told, I wanted to look at his photo and study his face before heading off to bed. I wanted to stare at his contours, and decipher if his eyes were a shade of blue or burnt amber. Honestly, I didn’t get a good look at his photo.  But it would be incredibly risky logging back into AM, as my husband was over in the next room.  Looking back, I can objectively say, my behavior at that time was incredibly risky (and would only become even more so, as the months went by).  This is a by-product of all affairs: the risky behavior and decision making.

As the hot water trickeled down my back, I found myself pondering Niall with a curiosity I hadn’t felt in a long time.  First impression?  He seemed all too normal. Pretty vanilla and polite. Safe was the first impression I got. Boy would I be wrong. I turned off the faucet, wrapped myself in a warm plush towel and quickly opened my iPad.  I tapped away at the glass screen, then nervously awaited my inbox to load.  To my utter surprise, the key and Niall’s message was…poof–gone! Talk about a shocker. I wasn’t expecting that.

In typical knee-jerk fashion, I fired off a hasty message.

Hey, I just logged back in to look at the photo you sent me. I didn’t get a chance to look at it earlier because my husband suddenly came home. But now it’s gone. I realize you are new to this site, but in my limited experience here, men are very generous with releasing their keys. And they definitely leave them available, mid-conversation, while trying to forge a connection…

I kinda smirked when I sent it, wondering just how my message would be perceived. To my utter surprise, he wrote back immediately. Yikes!  He’s online at this very moment!!

Please do not take my actions as a sign of my lack of interest. I didn’t mean to send them so soon. Like you, I am very cautious and didn’t intend to reveal all just yet. I know that must sound weak. But I like talking to you and just wanted to get to know you better first.

On second thought, I apologize. I will send them again now. Just know I look better in person and take horrible photos.  Please tell me more about yourself, your travels (did you ever visit Rome?).  And if I can be so forward, are you available this Friday to meet for a drink?  Maybe the Beach House?

I had to laugh at his message. I thought only women got insecure over their looks. Apparently, so do men. The analyzer in me noted and filed this into my armchair-psychiatrist brain. So he has some insecurities. Ok, duly noted. That’s not some deal breaker. We all have insecurities. However my inner voice said, “But Kate, you are looking for an alpha male.  This is just some millennial…move on.  He’s just a kid with an internet connection.” (Ok- maybe that was a bit rough, but I’m trying to emphasize that I had absolutely no real inclination towards him at this point)

And just like that, his photos appeared in my inbox.  One was a close-up of his face, taken from the side.  The photographer in me realized that it wasn’t a great photo- it accentuated his side profile and distorted the ratio of his cheeks to his front facial features.  It was taken at a horrible angle and made him look 10 pounds heavier than he actually was.  But I could tell he was a decent looking guy (in all honesty, my husband is better looking than him…even to this day).  My first impression was that he was “cute” and the full length body shot confirmed he was in fairly good shape.

I thought he was a baby faced millennial and that would be fun to talk to.  Nothing more.

And definitely not someone who would knock me off my feet…and into a full-fledged affair. I opened up his email and began tapping away at the keyboard.

Wow…you look young.  Are you old enough to be on here?  Kidding!!  I have an honest question for you.  Have you ever cheated on your wife before?  There is no right or wrong answer here.  I get that there are open marriages and different dynamics at play.  But, I’m just trying to understand where you are coming from and what your situation at home may be.

I stared at my screen and saw that he opened my message immediately.  I was about to turn off my iPad when he suddenly replied yet again.

I’ve never had a full fledged affair.  But I was at a work conference with a competitor once.  We were sitting with a group of employees from both companies when my competitor suddenly (and discretely) invited me up to her room.  We excused ourselves separately and met upstairs.  Once in her suite, she quickly removed her dress only to reveal lace thigh highs and a garter begging for me to, “Fuck her now.” and to “Finish her off nice and hard.” And well….I did.  So to answer your question honestly, yes.  Yes, I have.  Once.

As I contemplated how to reply, I suddenly heard a noise in the distance.  I logged out of my computer and didn’t respond.

But I thought about Niall for the rest of the day.  And beyond.

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Death

A really dear friend passed away over the weekend.  And I had to find out over Facebook.  I knew him from when I lived in London.  He was an amazing guy.  Had the best personality.  The most infectious smile and could make anyone laugh for days.  We had plenty of mischievous adventures together.  Traveled to several countries.  And partied to stupid o’clock hours.  He could literally stay up for days and just go and go and go.

I was devastated when I found out.  Just in a ball of tears.  My husband had run out to the store and in that time, I learned of his passing.  When he walked back through the door, he saw the look on my ashen face.  I could barely muster the words… “Daniel suddenly passed away.”

There is a finality to death that you don’t fully appreciate until you are standing within its shadows.  With the door of life firmly shutting on Daniel, in that moment, I couldn’t help but think of CEO.  Knowing that you will never speak to your affair partner again is one thing.  But facing that you may outlive them, and grieve in the shadows for their passing later in life, is another.

I don’t know what is worse.  Dying young? Or living a long life- yet having to experience repeated grief and sadness, as everyone around you passes away.

 

 

Girls Night

I went out with what you could say is my closest girlfriend last night.  She knows about CEO.  It took me a long time to open up about him, but with the demise of her marriage two years back, I felt I could finally trust her with this information.  We sat over dinner and I even had a cocktail (I’ve only had 1 drink in the last 2+ years).  It felt nice sitting there catching up on her life, her relationship problems and laughing at the crazy things our kids say and do.  The topic turned to CEO and I told her about him logging in to that account and that I could see his active status.  That I knew he was thinking of me.  And that he just sold his start-up to a major tech company.   She brought up the following story, which I am now ready to share.  Its long since passed, so its kind of irrelevant at this point.

Shortly after telling her about CEO two years ago, I invited her to a charity event.  It was held at a swanky hotel in Beverly Hills and I bought a table, filling it with mutual friends.  It was a daytime event, and we were all dressed up to the nines.  I knew she would enjoy a day like this.  Her father is an iconic actor, so events like these don’t phase her in the least.  I can bring her anywhere and she’s that friend you don’t have to babysit.

We decided to drive to the event together and as we approached the hotel, she told me she had to pee!  So instead of queuing up, we headed immediately to the ladies restroom.  Afterwards, we both made our way back to the entrance of the grand ballroom.  When I was about 4 feet from the main hotel entrance, a group of three women entered the hotel right in front of me.  Looking back, it reminded me of that movie Sliding Doors, where if you had changed direction for a brief moment- things could have been wildly different.  It honestly happened that fast.  As I was briskly walking towards the ballroom, my subconscious must have recognized who it was.  Because as I walked past the group of jabbering ladies, my head turned ever so slightly to focus on their faces.  For just a moment.  And thats when one of the women looked past her friends faces while continuing to talk– and towards mine.  It happened in a millisecond and my slight hesitation to look in their direction obviously caught her attention.

Our eyes locked- for the briefest of moments.

Yep- it was CEO’s wife.

Again.

Ugh….

My best friend and I schmoozed our way through the event, having a great time.  I was secretly hoping I wouldn’t run into her again, considering there were over 500 women in attendance.  I headed towards the bar, where I ran into an old high school friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in over 20 years.  As I was talking to her, CEO’s wife was weaving through the pack of women to get to the bar.  She got as close as two people away from me, and no doubt- she was studying me for the few moments that she could.  I wouldn’t expect her to say anything, especially at an event full of women.  This was not the time, nor place for any first talk.  But she was definitely observing me.  That I am confident in saying.

We sat down for the luncheon and thats when a woman came over to talk to my best friend.  I’ll call her A.  A- as it turns out was sitting at the same table as CEO’s wife.  So clearly, they know one another (yes- the circle of our friends is getting THAT close).  After A left our table, I motioned over towards their table and whispered to my best friend, “She’s here.’

She knew immediately who I was talking about.  She looked over, studied her hair and face pausing pensively, till she broke the silence saying, “She looks familiar.”

Now because of who my best friend is, I don’t really put much stock into when she says things like this.  Because of her family background, she knows everybody (but like in a casual- I’ve seen that person in films or TV way).  So I really didn’t take it seriously- nor freak out.

Best Friend, “Like I’ve talked to her before.  I’m pretty certain we’ve met.”

By this point, I’ve stopped eating and turned to her to really gauge what she is saying.  This whole time, I’ve been talking about CEO and she may even know his wife?  REALLY?!?  I could feel my vegan salad about to hurl out of my mouth, when she suddenly said, “Kate- Oh my God.  I just realized how I know her.  She works out at my gym.  They pair you up with partners someones and we’ve definitely talked before.  I see her pretty regularly.”

All I could think to say back was, “Are you kidding me?”

“No-not kidding.”

“Whatever you do, you can NOT accept a friendship request from her on any social media.  I don’t care what happens, you promise me?  She would see everything online as we post so many things about our kids etc.  She can not have a window into my kids lives.”

“I promise- I won’t.  I would never do such a thing.  I get it…”

We left it at that…had a wonderful time.  Didn’t talk about it any further, nor let her presence bother us (we were at this event to raise money for a great charity after all).  The conversation was shelved and we laughed our asses off catching up over life, our kids, the men she is dating etc.

When it was time to leave the event, I looked up and CEO’s wife’s table was completely empty.  I was so busy chit-chatting, I hadn’t even noticed her party exiting past our table.  Shortly after, we decided to get up and leave.  As you can imagine, the valet was a zoo with 500+ women all needing their cars at once.  My other friend had purchased the center piece for our table, and she needed to use the restroom.  So she kindly asked if I would hold it for her, till she got back to the valet.

So here I am- standing there at the valet, holding this ginormous centerpiece which weighed a ton.  It’s taking forever for my friend to come to the valet and take it back from me.  Its also taking forever for the cars to move, because all these women are fluffing about putting things in their trunks and generally holding up the entire flow of the valet line.  Cars can’t get in, as its only three cars deep.  And thats when I suddenly see her out of the corner of my eye– CEO’s wife darting out of the glass doors facing us, to her waiting car.  I could have died.  You couldn’t have created a more comical experience, whereby we are forced to be stuck very, very close to one another.  It was like something out of a bad movie.

I cracked a smile to my best friend, “Oh geez, I thought she left.  But she’s right there.”  By now we are cracking up together, yet none of our other friends realize the awkwardness of the situation.  I whispered, “Should I put this centerpiece here *covering my face*?”  By now we are just trying to get our damn car so we can leave said swanky hotel.  When I turned to my best friend and said, “Is she looking over here?”

And right at the moment- she slowly inched forward in the que of cars driving out of the hotel valet line.  And as she did, she turned her face and gave me the dirtiest look.

Me, “Did you see that? Or am I imagining things?”

Best Friend, “Oooooooohhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh—that was the dirtiest look ever.”

Me, “So its not my imagination?’

BF, “No- that was definitely directed to you.”

And that my friends is the moment I knew 1000% that CEO’s wife knew who I was.  Up until that point, she was nothing but a woman void of expressions.

***

…The following Tuesday

….at the gym

(to be continued)

 

 

 

 

Wonder

Since Dday, I have always wondered if  CEO still thinks of me.  As childlike as this may sound, I couldn’t fathom that men in general, simply shut out memories forever.  That they are THAT capable of compartmentalizing an entire relationship in milliseconds.  Logically, there are many male bloggers that wax and wane about their AP’s, so I know some men do.  But they tend to come across as somewhat Emo, which CEO definitely was not.

There were times that I justified him as being some pathological liar or sociopath- just to rationalize things he said to me, or specific conversations we had throughout our relationship together.  But deep down, I knew he wasn’t.  I was kidding myself (although all the data says, sociopaths comprise more CEO’s than any other profession- just sayin).

This question has lingered throughout the years and I’ve wondered on and off, “Does he still think of me? Like I still think of him?”

After my last post, I decided that I should start writing again after a commenter mentioned they were happy to see I was still writing.  For me, the only way I can tell my story is to go back.  Go back in time and log in to things I haven’t read in a long, long time.

And there it was.  The answer that I’ve always wondered about…

 

……

 

………

 

Last active 1 week ago

 

My heart stopped and I could barely breathe as I saw his name, with the log-in details showing.   I never thought in a million years I would ever see that.  I haven’t logged in for years and the one time I do- it shows he was just there?  It hit me like a ton of bricks.

And then the realization set in: his timing was not lost on me…it was within a day or two of my birthday.

He’s thinking of me.  I know it.  There’s absolutely no reason for him to be logged into there.

And no- this doesn’t change anything.  We are both where we should be: with our spouses.  And no- I won’t reach out to him.  If he wanted to talk to me, he knows how to find me.  For the record,  I would absolutely speak with him.  Too much damage and hurt has occurred to not seek true closure.  To wish my friend well.

But friends- my head is spinning…with CEO most certainly on my mind.

And me- on his.

 

 

Yesterday

CEO took me to a beautiful hotel overlooking the Pacific Ocean during the early lust-filled days of our affair. I remember pulling up to the resort feeling so special as he held my hand in the car. As he drove through the windy roads, traversing through the canyons, the peek-a-boo views of the Pacific ocean glistened in my eyes. As his sportscar purred along the asphalt, I stared at the eroding sandstone cliffs daydreaming.

“Here, this is for you” he said, as he pulled a card out of the middle compartment.

I smiled.

Couldn’t help it.

This millennial was blowing me away. That…was unexpected. Looking back, I can honestly say these little gestures were reminiscent of any early courtship – the kind you see in a normal dating situation.

In that moment, I felt special. Cherished. Appreciated. And damn right sexy as my ecru silk blouse billowed in the salty breeze.

It was a Valentine’s Day card.

His words were those of a smitten man. I blushed. Hard. Then paused for an extremely long time, trying to figure out how I should respond. And honestly, it left me speechless (something that’s a rarity for me). I didn’t know where this relationship was going but I certainly set the expectation in my head that this was sex only.

But CEO kept progressing our pace and moved things forward, like a normal dating relationship where two people are falling for one another. It confused me…but deep down, I loved it. He was so different to my husband, calm with an assertive alpha male way of handling life. It was refreshing. Very, very refreshing.

The valet took his BMW and we walked into the resort looking like a married couple. He went to check in before telling me to head down below. I found us the most perfect table, perched above the cliffs. The glass French doors were open to the Pacific Ocean and it was a stunning view, for a Tuesday morning. Golden sand. Shades of teal and blue. The sound of pounding surf below. He arrived moments later, smiling. Relaxed.

We ordered Mimosa’s and a fruit platter, then talked about his start-up. I remember him making a point of saying, “In my everyday life, I am a man of integrity.  I want you to know that.” I think he was trying to convey that he really was a good guy. My gut sussed that out long ago. But obviously, we were two cheating hearts in that moment, so you can debate the merits of that yourself.

The conversation flowed as always. He would occasionally reach over and hold my hand. It was really sweet. These little gestures had long left my marriage. I had forgotten how lovely it felt to be pursued. And he did so in spades. Had it been anyone else, I wouldn’t have enjoyed it. But it was him…CEO. And I had a huge soft spot for him that was growing exponentially every week. His sheepish grin melted my heart. Those big brown eyes stared straight into my soul and we had a magnetic connection from day one.

That was three years ago. Seems like yesterday sometimes. Especially when I sit down to write and reminisce.

I have only been back to this city twice now. Each time, barely within the town border. I’ve avoided this city for a long,  long time because the memories shared with CEO were perfect here. I’ve been reluctant to ever return, and especially to drive past the resort. Not sure why, other than its quite the distance for me to travel to.

But today, that all changed. I drove past the resort while I took my kids on an outing further afield. It was strange driving past the sign. Almost surreal. My heart didn’t race or anything. Had I visited years ago, that would have been the case. The adrenaline would have been pumping as I relived the memories of what occurred there. The photos flashed throughout my mind like a moving picture book.

Sex on the balcony ✔️

“That was a fantasy of mine.”

Was it? We didn’t talk about this up front. But it felt organic and natural, which is why I went along with it.

The desk ✔️

“Not quite the right height. But A for effort.”

The sofa ✔️

“Kate, that was amazing. Don’t stop grinding my cock like that.”

The corner ocean view suite- king size bed- with seagulls squawking in the distance. While I repeatedly orgasmed as he pounded my g-spot with the Njoy his wife refused to take out of the box ✔️✔️✔️

This time it was like looking through a keyhole to a past time in my life.

Like Alice in Wonderland.

Me…Wondering.

(*CEO would kill me if he knew I took a photo of this card)