Do you feel the same when I’m away from you?
Do you know the line that I’d walk for you?
Do you feel the same when I’m away from you?
Do you know the line that I’d walk for you?
So apropos kiddo
Look me in the eyes
Tell me what you see
Perfect Paradise tearing at the seams
I wish I could escape
I don’t want to fake
Wish I could erase
Make your heart believe
Can one unchecked box topple a good marriage?
I heard long ago that if your marriage is around 75-80 % satisfying- you’ve hit the jackpot. There is no such thing as a perfect marriage.
But what if that box is a really big one?
That evening, after meeting Niall for the very first time, I went home and had a highly erotic evening with my husband. The exact details evade me, as my memory is a little hazy (it has been several years since any of this has transpired). But I’m pretty certain, I led the charge. A naked wife standing in the hallway, wearing nothing but a pair of Louboutin’s is hard to miss.
I do recall standing there- legs parted, throbbing and swollen with desire- wanting to be fucked hard and deep all night long. I wanted his mouth clutched against my labia, tracing his tongue around my clit, flicking me to desire. Once my husband looked up from his computer screen, and saw me standing there-he quickly followed me back into our bedroom where I proceeded to orgasm multiple times that night.
…all while thinking of Niall.
Glad you are having mind blowing sex. How was it last night? Kidding.
As for my fantasies and what I’m missing with my wife… She is not uninhibited when it comes to sex. She likes it hard and from multiple positions (and often), but just not dirty. For example, she has never sent me arousing photos, buys simple sexy lingerie, doesn’t really like to play with herself, etc..
Here is just a touch that I crave for…
Like you, if anything, I’m glad I have a new friend to share these thoughts with.
I couldn’t help but think, “Wow…he definitely knows what he wants!” Niall intrigued me as I read his hidden fantasies and desires. I could feel my body getting weaker and weaker as I re-read his words over and over. He awakened sensations deep inside my body and I instinctually began to part my lips, as they tingled and juices began to flow yet again.
But, I had to stop.
I shut down my brain and decided not to respond in the moment. I had to knock some sense into me. Niall was sucking me in and starting to consume my every thought and I needed to get my head screwed back on straight. This was so uncharacteristic for me. It felt like there was a war going on in my body and mind. And I wasn’t sure who was going to win, let alone where this was headed.
One thing was for sure: I had too much pent up sexual desire. I needed to burn off some energy. So I put on my running shoes, grabbed my phone and dashed out the door.
He could wait.
Long before Niall and I ever met, we talked. And we emailed every single day, multiple times throughout the day. Down to our goodnight messages before bed each evening. First, he had suggested we meet and grab lunch somewhere. I definitely did not feel comfortable with that (what if he was gross and I was stuck staring at him for a good solid hour or two?). So that idea was nixed from my brain pretty quickly. Next, he suggested we grab a cocktail, which seemed way more realistic. “If we don’t like one another and we don’t feel a connection, then it’s just a quick ten minute drink, right?”
But I was scared. And meeting a complete stranger was beyond my comfort zone. It honestly freaked me out. Let’s be honest- he could have been an axe murderer for all I knew. I could be walking into a very dangerous situation. We’ve all read enough stories of crimes happening to naive women, and I was not about to become one of them. So, I always rebuffed his invitations, as I couldn’t negate the axe murderer thoughts coming from the inner recesses of my brain.
I finally had to tell him, “Look, I don’t want to meet you right now. Can we just take things slow and get to know one another? I don’t like to rush. I need to take time in order to assess if you are an axe murderer or not.”
“Sure. I’m on the same page. I can understand your hesitations but I can assure you, I am not some axe murderer. For the record, I like talking to you ;-)”
So…we talked every day. He would reach out before taking off to meet investors, We both started sharing stories about our kids. Sometimes I would share photos of them. And then, finally he did too. He took his kids skiing and they pretty much cried the entire time through ski school…while he sat on the sidelines watching them. He was messaging me during that entire saga (you gotta wonder just how disconnected two spouses can be when this is going on during their “family” vacation). The roles were reversed in our household, only this time- it was my daughter crying because she kept falling during ice skating lessons. He would send sweet messages of encouragement, parenting tips of how to get through whatever the kids were bombarding me with. And I would do the same for him, as he was sitting in the waiting room of major tech or hedge fund company about to make his pitch.
All of our interactions seemed very, very normal. You could safely say, that we had settled into a “friendship” over the course of that month. But there was something I hadn’t told him yet.
Yep. I still hadn’t even told him my real name. That’s how cautious I was about him and this entire situation. I asked him if it bothered him, and of course, he said yes. But he quickly followed that up with, “In due time…”
Finally, one night- after exchanging many, many messages, we discovered we had distant mutual friends and overlaps in career sectors. Our worlds were feeling more and more alike as we pulled down our walls and shared. But not knowing my real name remained a point of contention. Looking back, I think it bothered him way more than he let on.
But, one night (probably after a few glasses of wine!) I finally signed my goodnight message with the first letter of my name: “K”.
I was like a little mouse leaving a tiny, teeny, itty-bitty crumb for him. And I was squirming as I sat in bed, on my iPad, waiting for his response to load in my inbox. I knew he would reply immediately. And he did. What ensued next sounds so far fetched and like something out of a movie, but I can assure you- it’s 100% true.
“I’m working right now, but as always was excited to get a message from you 🙂 Yes…more and more similarities. You don’t be any chance have an “A”, “T” or “E” in your name??? Do you?”
“More similarities? Uh no, here we go again. Should I make up a name and not tell you the rest of the letters? Something totally different? At university, when I took French, they gave us a French name. I was given the name Chantal. You can call me that if you want…or I can stay elusive forever??”
His reply hit my inbox within a second, “For real- is your name Kate?”
As I opened up and read his message, I about died. What are the odds that CEO’s wife and I share the exact same name? All I could do is reply, “Yes”.
“You have to be kidding me about your name… Well, at least I won‘t accidentally call my wife by the wrong name.
…I wish I was holding you right now. It’s been a long day, but I have not stopped daydreaming about you. It has been so nice to feel excitement and the rush when just receiving a message from you. If we were together right now, how would you like to be kissed?”
“Kissed? Passionately. The rip your clothes, shove your body up against the wall kind of kiss. But before that, you should know I’ve had a few images running through my mind since leaving you yesterday. And each time, I instinctively take in a deep breathe and sigh. It’s the only way to offset the excitement and butterflies you have given me. I so wanted that as part of this. It’s like the icing on the cake for me. I have missed that so much and its incredible to experience that again.
Hearing that I am just as stunning in person and just as sexy as in your dreams made me smile so much yesterday. Thank you for always showering me with compliments. You are good at those- plus, I enjoy hearing them. I am thrilled that you kissed me with such passion and intensity. I could have kissed you all afternoon. It was that nice…”
“I have so many fantasies running through my head. Next time we meet up, can you please lean over and whisper into my ear, ‘I’m wearing crotchless panties.'”
“Hmmmm, is this a specific fantasy of yours? Well…consider it done. Since you brought it up, while we are on the subject- what are your fantasies, Mr. CEO?”
Four years ago, I met a young millennial CEO for a drink. Little did I know, how dangerous that day would become. How I would soon fall in love for another man, who was not my husband. And how it would lead to gut wrenching pain for the next several years of my life. I didn’t go with the intention to cheat on my husband. I think this is where the lies we tell ourselves really start to snowball. We tell ourselves it will just be a drink. Ten minutes of saying hello. Some chit-chat and pleasant conversation. And then, once the drink is over, we will say goodbye. Walk away. Never look back. And that would be the end of things.
I remember driving up to this quaint, seaside restaurant and wondering where I should park my car. I was wearing jeans, a silk top and black leather ankle boots. As I entered the restaurant, the early morning sunlight was just starting to reflect upon the water. The maitre’d asked me, “Are you here to see Mr. Beach?” I must have blushed because he had a very sweet smile on his face, like he already knew the answer (and that he knew this was some clandestine occasion). “Yes I am.” I thought he could hear my pounding heartbeat. That’s how nervous I was walking down those steps. “He’s waiting for you. Downstairs and on the right.”
It was a beautiful location, picked by CEO and it was surrounded by a multitude of boats and yachts. An adjacent boutique hotel sat on the ocean front, while the restaurant we were meeting at was located down in the marina. Every step I made to get closer to CEO, I could hear the echoing of my heels clanking upon the hardwood plank flooring. As I looked around at empty table, upon empty table, I realized we had the entire restaurant to ourselves- as if he had booked out the whole place just for us.
He was sitting at an outside table, scrolling through his phone with Prada sunglasses covering his eyes. When he looked up from his screen, he broke out into the biggest smile. Stood up. And hugged me. “Hello there Kate. It’s nice to finally meet you. I’ve ordered you a glass of Chardonnay. Here, please sit.”
He truly made me feel comfortable right off the bat. My nerves melted away as he began to talk, and talk- asking me a plethora of questions. I couldn’t help but think how normal this all felt. “I saw a Prius drive down the road. Was that you?”
“No, I don’t drive a Prius…do you?”
“No, I have a BMW.”
“Oh- those are fun. I have one too. A 5 series.”
Our conversation never dragged on. There were never any lulls or awkward silences. We were interested in everything each other had to say. It felt like a date- and I hadn’t felt like that in over fifteen years.
As our conversation continued to flow effortlessly, we opened up about work, our kids, our lives, our travels and the start-up he just sold. Looking back, and recounting this story now, I can objectively say that during the course of any long-term relationship, you lose this. You lose the ability to be so fully engrossed in another human being, like you do when you first meet someone. You just do. It’s life. There’s no debating it. It’s how the human mind works. There was an immediate magnetic pull to one another, yet there was a complexity to our relationship- where neither one of us could fully read the other. Nor knew where we stood. We were still taking information in. Still evaluating eachother.
I only had a certain amount of time that I could be there with CEO. And he knew that. So after our drinks were consumed, I was kinda shocked when he asked if he could walk me back to my car. It threw me off to be honest.
In my head, I was thinking, “But I have more time I can spend with him. He must not like me. Or I must have given him some weird vibe. ” I was really thrown off- unsure how to read him, or the situation.
When the waiter brought our check, he pulled out his credit card. I must have grimaced because my brain immediately calculated that this would leave a paper trail. And how stupid could he be? It triggered my internal “red flag” warning system. A signal, that went against my better judgement, and would go on to play a significant role in my inability to fully trust him in our relationship. My intuition said he was reckless and not intelligent enough to cover his tracks. Exactly the kind of guy who would make a terrible affair partner.
I will give CEO a bit of credit for reading my non-verbal cues immediately. Because he looked at me, and tried to reassure me that everything was OK by paying this way. “Oh don’t worry. When I sold my start-up, I had my accountant take 30k and place it in an E-trade account. This is my fun money and my wife does not see any of my business expenses. Only my accountant does.”
Whether that was true or not- I’ll never know. It did have the unintended consequence of alleviating some of the concerns I had about him. I started rationalizing that perhaps, I was a little too quick to judge. Maybe he had more discretion than I gave him credit for.
As we walked to my car, the morning sunlight gave way to the harsh and intense afternoon rays. I was still trying to calculate the situation, but my intuition said he wasn’t attracted to me. Namely, because we were all of a sudden walking back to my car and not sitting at that table ordering another drink.
And thats when he placed his arms around the small of my back, pulling me closer into him. His left hand traced the outline of my jawbone, as seagulls squawked in the distance. As my brain frantically tried to catch up to the situation, he mumbled something about, “Whether or not we would have that intense chemistry…”
When then, his soft lips met mine.
There was passion, and electricity. And we fit perfectly together. Plus, he could definitely kiss!
When we finally untangled our tongues and embrace, he stood there staring at me intently. I started fiddling with my purse, dangling my keys between my middle finger and pinky- unsure of everything that was transpiring between us. I was rapidly still taking in information about him- trying to decipher what the hell I was even doing here. When all of a sudden, he reached into his right pocket and pulled out a room key.
“A ROOM KEY?!?!?!?!?!?!” I thought. My eyes literally bulged out of their sockets. WTF?
“Five minutes. I just want to hold you for five minutes in my arms. No sex.”
I was SO caught off guard, that I was stumbling over my words. Nothing remotely intelligible could come out of my mouth in that moment. I was speechless! This was supposed to be for just a drink. Even thinking back upon it now, still makes me shake my head in disbelief. I was completely out of my element. And surprised that this man (who had never even met me), had just sunk several hundred dollars on a boutique hotel suite, on the off chance that I might say yes???
That’s pretty brazen.
And pretty stupid.
And definitely the antithesis of how my husband was back then.
When my initial shock finally wore off, he said I started laughing nervously. He would go on to recount this story several times over our relationship. And I would recount how he had this sheepish grin on his face, all while doing so. But I also distinctly remember feeling overcome with a sense that I was finally with a man who knew what he wanted. A man that wasn’t afraid to make a move. A man that wasn’t afraid to take chances. A man that wasn’t afraid to plan something. And a man who wasn’t afraid to fulfill his (or my) fantasies.
Considering the state of my marriage back then (remember my head-in-the-sand-beta-acting-husband), I couldn’t help but think, “I finally had found my alpha male.”
When I drove away, my phone pinged with a message from him. In the subject line it read: Where we first met. He had sent a photo of our table and the view he had looking out on the marina. Awe- could this alpha male have a sweet sentimental side too?
And then my phone pinged again.
“It was very nice to meet you in person. You are just as stunning as your pictures and as sexy as my dreams about you. I loved your lips against mine Kate. Thanks for meeting with me and trusting me. Looking forward to seeing you again.”
At the next stop light, I had to close my eyes, taking several deep breathes in and out. I needed to be a Mom again. I needed to resume my real life. And get back to my responsibilities. To my kids. I tried to steady my heartbeat but CEO had unleashed a flurry of butterflies.
From that point forward- my life, my thoughts, and marriage would never be the same again.