It’s summertime. And in my house, that means adventure. I’m a big travel junkie and I like to travel to off the beaten path. It’s one of the things I let go of, when I first had my kids. And it’s one of the things I purposely restored in my life, after I examined my overall happiness post dday.
Last week, I went off the grid with my kids. Packed the car up and hit the road. Just the three of us. We weren’t even out of LA when my daughter fished out a CD, which I didn’t even know was in this car (I rarely drive it anymore). Traffic was thick, so I wasn’t really paying attention to what she was doing but the next thing I know, the lyrics started up and it took me back four years. Memories of immense pain and longing bubbled to the surface as I kept my eyes fixated on the road. I must have listened to this CD a thousand times, I thought. Music put into words what my heart and mind couldn’t say back then. I couldn’t believe she was actually playing this.
I think of you
I haven’t slept
I think I do
But I don’t forget
My body moves
Goes where I will
But though I try my heart stays still
It never moves
Just won’t be led
And so my mouth waters to be fed
And you’re always in my head
My mind instantly went back to CEO and how these words would echo through the chambers of my heart. Every word from each successive song matched the emotions back then. How apropos that I was on a journey, looking back at the most painful journey of all.
“Did you remember to pack my bathing suit mom?”
And just like that, I’m snapped back to reality. “Yes honey. It’s in your bag.”
”Can we eat the chips now?” my son chimes in. “Ummmm, no buddy. We’re not even 20 miles from our house and you are already asking for food?!?”
The music fades as the kids chat about Pokémon, why I took their iPads away for summer and if we will see a bear (like last time we went off the grid). I let their conversations drift into the back of my mind as the lyrics took center stage. The next song begins and my mind suddenly travels back in time.
Call it magic, call it true
I call it magic when I’m with you
And I just got broken, broken into two
Still I call it magic, when I’m next to you
I remember being split between my husband and CEO back then. Neither getting all of me. It broke me into two- literally. And definitely wrecked my spirit juggling these two relationships…and yet, there was magic between CEO and I. Undeniable magic.
Dating an entrepreneur is fraught with difficulties. First, they are married to their start-ups. And their time isn’t linear. This posed problems in our relationship. I learned through knowing CEO that my love language is time- and there never seemed to be enough of it. I need that face to face connection in all of my relationships. Daily contact was there via technology, but nothing replaces looking into each others eyes. Seeing the way his eyes danced as he recounted a story. Or hearing his laugh.
As I drove along the highway, I reflected back upon the negative undercurrents of our relationship. The lack of real, valuable time together. Did I think we could improve the amount of time we spent together back then? Most definitely. I truly believed we could find a middle ground there. I believed we could find our way.
And if you were to ask me
After all that we’ve been through
Still believe in magic?
Well yes, I do
Oh yes, I do
Oh yes, I do
Of course I do
My wanderlust was dimming and so had my conversation with the kids. Vivienne looked over at me and asked, “Are you okay mom? You seem distant. Like you are thinking deeply about something.”
“Yes sweetie. I’m fine. Just going over in my head everything I’ve packed.”
”Did you remember the bacon for Zane?”
”Oh crap. I didn’t pull it out of the fridge. Can you google for the nearest Whole Foods on mommie’s phone?”
Needless to say, we had a little detour before we got out of proper LA. It was a nice break from what had been going through my mind. But the second we got back in the car, my daughter continued to play the album with the significance lost on her. Each song was like a journey into my past.
Got a tattoo that said “together through life”
Carved in your name with my poker knife
And you wonder when you wake up, will it be alright oh oh
Feels like there’s something broken inside
All I know
All I know
Is that I’m lost whenever you go
All I know is that I love you so
So much that it hurts
Urgh- the pain started brewing in my chest. The hurt was unreal back then. In an instant, I was brought back to the turmoil of loving two men. One I had built a life with. And one, I had fell in love with. My broken heart realized I needed to box up that love and ignore it for life. I loved Nial so much and this song tore at my heart, every time I heard it. Memories came flooding back. Me- leaving my house for the first time, after I had confessed. Driving away from my neighborhood. Then once I was at a safe distance, just screaming at the top of my lungs. Trying to get everything out, so my kids wouldn’t see my pain. I was conflicted. Truly. Knowing I had purposely dropped an atomic bomb on my relationship with CEO so I would be forced to do the “right thing”, even if my heart was utterly in love with him, was gut wrenching…
“How much longer till we transfer freeways mom? Do you think we will be able to find a swimming hole or waterfall once we get there?”
“Don’t you fret my pet. Mom’s got it covered.”
The melodies faded into oblivion, while giving birth to the next song. Miles tick over on the odometer as the road opened up. As I juggle the past and present, memories of Niall continue to flood to the surface.
For a second, I was in control
I had it once, I lost it though
And all along the fire below would rise
And I wish you could have let me know
What’s really going on below
I’ve lost you now, you let met go but one last time
Tell me you love me, if you don’t then lie, oh lie to me
“Are we going to stop for lunch on the way?” Zane asked softly. “Yes darling. We will get lunch soon.’
And then the keys on the piano begin. Notes take shape. Softly, yet full of every conceivable emotion. It rhythmically tells the story of my heartbreak, note by note.
A flock of birds
Just a flock of birds
That’s how you think of love
And I always
Look up to the sky
Pray before the dawn
‘Cause they fly always
Sometimes they arrive
Sometimes they are gone
They fly on
A flock of birds
Into smoke I’m turned
And rise following them up
Still I always
Look up to the sky
Pray before the dawn
‘Cause they fly away
One minute they arrive,
Next you know they’re gone
They fly on
So fly on
Maybe one day I’ll fly next to you
They fly on
Maybe one day I come fly with you
I’m stronger now. I’ve forged a new path. But it’s in moments like these, I realize just how far I’ve come. And how I can listen to Coldplays entire Ghost Stories without bursting into tears.
And yet…I still miss him.
Thats what 4 years post Dday gets you.
I went out with what you could say is my closest girlfriend last night. She knows about CEO. It took me a long time to open up about him, but with the demise of her marriage two years back, I felt I could finally trust her with this information. We sat over dinner and I even had a cocktail (I’ve only had 1 drink in the last 2+ years). It felt nice sitting there catching up on her life, her relationship problems and laughing at the crazy things our kids say and do. The topic turned to CEO and I told her about him logging in to that account and that I could see his active status. That I knew he was thinking of me. And that he just sold his start-up to a major tech company. She brought up the following story, which I am now ready to share. Its long since passed, so its kind of irrelevant at this point.
Shortly after telling her about CEO two years ago, I invited her to a charity event. It was held at a swanky hotel in Beverly Hills and I bought a table, filling it with mutual friends. It was a daytime event, and we were all dressed up to the nines. I knew she would enjoy a day like this. Her father is an iconic actor, so events like these don’t phase her in the least. I can bring her anywhere and she’s that friend you don’t have to babysit.
We decided to drive to the event together and as we approached the hotel, she told me she had to pee! So instead of queuing up, we headed immediately to the ladies restroom. Afterwards, we both made our way back to the entrance of the grand ballroom. When I was about 4 feet from the main hotel entrance, a group of three women entered the hotel right in front of me. Looking back, it reminded me of that movie Sliding Doors, where if you had changed direction for a brief moment- things could have been wildly different. It honestly happened that fast. As I was briskly walking towards the ballroom, my subconscious must have recognized who it was. Because as I walked past the group of jabbering ladies, my head turned ever so slightly to focus on their faces. For just a moment. And thats when one of the women looked past her friends faces while continuing to talk– and towards mine. It happened in a millisecond and my slight hesitation to look in their direction obviously caught her attention.
Our eyes locked- for the briefest of moments.
Yep- it was CEO’s wife.
My best friend and I schmoozed our way through the event, having a great time. I was secretly hoping I wouldn’t run into her again, considering there were over 500 women in attendance. I headed towards the bar, where I ran into an old high school friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in over 20 years. As I was talking to her, CEO’s wife was weaving through the pack of women to get to the bar. She got as close as two people away from me, and no doubt- she was studying me for the few moments that she could. I wouldn’t expect her to say anything, especially at an event full of women. This was not the time, nor place for any first talk. But she was definitely observing me. That I am confident in saying.
We sat down for the luncheon and thats when a woman came over to talk to my best friend. I’ll call her A. A- as it turns out was sitting at the same table as CEO’s wife. So clearly, they know one another (yes- the circle of our friends is getting THAT close). After A left our table, I motioned over towards their table and whispered to my best friend, “She’s here.’
She knew immediately who I was talking about. She looked over, studied her hair and face pausing pensively, till she broke the silence saying, “She looks familiar.”
Now because of who my best friend is, I don’t really put much stock into when she says things like this. Because of her family background, she knows everybody (but like in a casual- I’ve seen that person in films or TV way). So I really didn’t take it seriously- nor freak out.
Best Friend, “Like I’ve talked to her before. I’m pretty certain we’ve met.”
By this point, I’ve stopped eating and turned to her to really gauge what she is saying. This whole time, I’ve been talking about CEO and she may even know his wife? REALLY?!? I could feel my vegan salad about to hurl out of my mouth, when she suddenly said, “Kate- Oh my God. I just realized how I know her. She works out at my gym. They pair you up with partners someones and we’ve definitely talked before. I see her pretty regularly.”
All I could think to say back was, “Are you kidding me?”
“Whatever you do, you can NOT accept a friendship request from her on any social media. I don’t care what happens, you promise me? She would see everything online as we post so many things about our kids etc. She can not have a window into my kids lives.”
“I promise- I won’t. I would never do such a thing. I get it…”
We left it at that…had a wonderful time. Didn’t talk about it any further, nor let her presence bother us (we were at this event to raise money for a great charity after all). The conversation was shelved and we laughed our asses off catching up over life, our kids, the men she is dating etc.
When it was time to leave the event, I looked up and CEO’s wife’s table was completely empty. I was so busy chit-chatting, I hadn’t even noticed her party exiting past our table. Shortly after, we decided to get up and leave. As you can imagine, the valet was a zoo with 500+ women all needing their cars at once. My other friend had purchased the center piece for our table, and she needed to use the restroom. So she kindly asked if I would hold it for her, till she got back to the valet.
So here I am- standing there at the valet, holding this ginormous centerpiece which weighed a ton. It’s taking forever for my friend to come to the valet and take it back from me. Its also taking forever for the cars to move, because all these women are fluffing about putting things in their trunks and generally holding up the entire flow of the valet line. Cars can’t get in, as its only three cars deep. And thats when I suddenly see her out of the corner of my eye– CEO’s wife darting out of the glass doors facing us, to her waiting car. I could have died. You couldn’t have created a more comical experience, whereby we are forced to be stuck very, very close to one another. It was like something out of a bad movie.
I cracked a smile to my best friend, “Oh geez, I thought she left. But she’s right there.” By now we are cracking up together, yet none of our other friends realize the awkwardness of the situation. I whispered, “Should I put this centerpiece here *covering my face*?” By now we are just trying to get our damn car so we can leave said swanky hotel. When I turned to my best friend and said, “Is she looking over here?”
And right at the moment- she slowly inched forward in the que of cars driving out of the hotel valet line. And as she did, she turned her face and gave me the dirtiest look.
Me, “Did you see that? Or am I imagining things?”
Best Friend, “Oooooooohhhhhh yeahhhhhhhh—that was the dirtiest look ever.”
Me, “So its not my imagination?’
BF, “No- that was definitely directed to you.”
And that my friends is the moment I knew 1000% that CEO’s wife knew who I was. Up until that point, she was nothing but a woman void of expressions.
…The following Tuesday
….at the gym
(to be continued)
I had a dream last night. It was so vivid. I had walked into a restaurant, and as I did, an extremely well dressed man turned away from the bar and approached me. He was easily over six feet tall. As we side hugged and said our hellos, the quality of his wool coat was not lost on me. He was dressed impeccably down to his perfectly shined shoes. And wore a sheepish grin on his face when looking at me.
I was wearing black slacks and a black sleeveless silk blouse + sexy high heels and a small clutch purse. I think I had gone to the restroom or something and I was weaving my way back to the table, where my daughter was waiting for me. I had noticed a man trying to make eye contact with me, as I moved through the crowd. But I never broke my gaze to look at him directly. But the gentleman who began to speak to me did- while turning his body towards mine, blocking my way greeting me with, “Kate! I was hoping I might run into you here. Join me for a drink, will you?”
I remember feeling incredibly flattered that this man had sought me out. That he changed his day, just in the hopes of crossing my path. He was a business associate that I had met briefly recently. At least that was the feeling I got as he spoke to me (this was a dream after all).
I wanted to sit there and share a glass of wine. To talk about whatever he wanted to talk about. He was charming, engaging and had a quiet assertiveness about him. It was at that moment in my dream that I noticed, I was genuinely enjoying his company. But I was shocked to realize this…because it wasn’t CEO.
I don’t dream of other men. And can’t recall ever doing so. But I did last night. And I have no idea what it all means.
But as I awoke from this dream, I stumbled for my phone in my pitch black bedroom. I soon realized it was now 3:30 AM. I started reading news, getting caught up on emails, looking over schedules and planning my work flow for the week. When I finally saw the news.
CEO’s start-up was just acquired by a major technology corporation. I knew this was his exit plan all along. But seeing the news brought up a mix of feelings. I’m so SO proud of him. But it’s also bittersweet for me to process. Every time an investor rejected his idea, or he lost an investor he originally thought he had- I was his cheerleader during that rollercoaster. In a weird way, it’s the last vestige of our relationship.
As they say, life does indeed move on.
Part of me wants to reach out and say Congratulations. To hear his voice smile…
But I won’t.
And it’s gut wrenching. Because I truly miss my friend.
I cant help but think now that he has sold his start-up, he suddenly has “time” again. Hence, why he logged on to where we use to communicate.
I guess you could say- old habits die hard.
I miss you.
Since Dday, I have always wondered if CEO still thinks of me. As childlike as this may sound, I couldn’t fathom that men in general, simply shut out memories forever. That they are THAT capable of compartmentalizing an entire relationship in milliseconds. Logically, there are many male bloggers that wax and wane about their AP’s, so I know some men do. But they tend to come across as somewhat Emo, which CEO definitely was not.
There were times that I justified him as being some pathological liar or sociopath- just to rationalize things he said to me, or specific conversations we had throughout our relationship together. But deep down, I knew he wasn’t. I was kidding myself (although all the data says, sociopaths comprise more CEO’s than any other profession- just sayin).
This question has lingered throughout the years and I’ve wondered on and off, “Does he still think of me? Like I still think of him?”
After my last post, I decided that I should start writing again after a commenter mentioned they were happy to see I was still writing. For me, the only way I can tell my story is to go back. Go back in time and log in to things I haven’t read in a long, long time.
And there it was. The answer that I’ve always wondered about…
Last active 1 week ago
My heart stopped and I could barely breathe as I saw his name, with the log-in details showing. I never thought in a million years I would ever see that. I haven’t logged in for years and the one time I do- it shows he was just there? It hit me like a ton of bricks.
And then the realization set in: his timing was not lost on me…it was within a day or two of my birthday.
He’s thinking of me. I know it. There’s absolutely no reason for him to be logged into there.
And no- this doesn’t change anything. We are both where we should be: with our spouses. And no- I won’t reach out to him. If he wanted to talk to me, he knows how to find me. For the record, I would absolutely speak with him. Too much damage and hurt has occurred to not seek true closure. To wish my friend well.
But friends- my head is spinning…with CEO most certainly on my mind.
And me- on his.
I wrote this on May 26, 2014 but never sent it to CEO for some reason. We wrote to each other every single day back then. Not sure why I didn’t sent this, but I stumbled upon it today. Moments like these still happen- Reminders! They are always popping up- even still. Reading this over again, it’s almost like it never really happened. It feels so far away and yet not, if that makes sense.
This use to happen quite a lot after we first met. I would be busy with something. And out of the blue, a memory of you would flash into my mind almost like a photo being taken. It just happened right now, as I was getting ready to go to sleep and turn off my iPad.
It went off like a flash in my mind and made my heart skip several beats. And I found myself half-smiling and half-gasping for air at the same time. I was suddenly back in SF, in our hotel room. It was early morning. White crisp sheets surrounded us. And you turned over to face my back, placing your fore fingers around my panties and pulling them off with such desire. No words were said, other than hearing the vibrations of your breathe against the back of my neck. I remember it now, only I am watching it unfold from above…like a movie. It’s always like a movie for me….
I remember how great it was to wake up like that. To let you take me over and over during our time there. It was raw. It was passionate. Exciting and memorable. It took my breathe away like it did just now, remembering you…your touch…your hands…all over my body as I moaned and panted through every single passionate thrust inside of me.
Every inch of you…every inch of me…together again in our own little world. Holding me down…then kissing me…my neck…then grabbing my ass so tight as you fucked me till every every last drop of cum came out. Turning me over, now face to face, you said, “Kate….you captivate me.” You didn’t need to say those words, although it made my heart smile. I felt it too.
You took my breathe away that morning. And gave me such butterflies that it felt like I had a lump stuck at the top of my throat. Just seeing the picture again in my head…..white sheets, black silk thong being pulled off….me and you. A rush of excitement pulses through my chest similar to the feelings you get when your dropping from a roller coaster.
And just like that, it stops. The picture fades. And I am back in my bedroom getting ready to turn off the light. I don’t want to say goodbye to that memory so I try to fall asleep as fast as I can, so I can see you again in my dreams. And keep reliving the sweet memories over and over again.