Endings

 

My heart breaks for what could have been.  So many dreams left unfulfilled.  So many moments never shared. Birds have always appeared during transitional times of my life.  I wrote about these green parrots in a few of my blog posts five years ago.  I would watch them descend upon our neighborhood trees and think, “I wish I could fly- just like those birds.”

This blog has certainly been a journey for me.  I’ve made good friends- some are actually best friends now- because of my story telling and raw vulnerability.  My affair with CEO crippled me for years.  Despite putting my best foot forward in my marriage and creating a fulfilling life in so many ways, my affair stole my confidence and inner beauty.  My sorrow manifested in me by being closed off.   I was afraid of relationships and kept everyone at a distance because if they knew the real Kate- and how I had had an affair with a married man- that somehow they would reject me, hate me, loathe me and despise me.  The irony in that self hatred, is that now that five years has passed, I’ve stepped forward and revealed my true self to many people.  Even strangers.  And the irony is- despite my self loathing, not one of them ever rejected me.

They know the whole story.  They know every gritty detail. They love me more for my brutal honesty.  They love me more because of my true vulnerability in being open and transparent about my marriage problems and about my inner needs as a 40+ year old woman.  It’s created meaningful connections.  True connections.  And as one great friend said: love isn’t black and white.  Anyone that thinks that way has dead bodies in their basements.  You can’t  take criticism from people that aren’t in the arena of living brave, authentic, vulnerable lives.

I thank all the special people that I met through my blog and are genuine friends now.  You’ve each played a part in supporting me over the years.  Some obviously more than others.  And I love each and every one of you for it.

 

****

Two hearts, one valve
Pumpin’ the blood, we were the flood
We were the body and
Two lives, one life
Stickin’ it out, lettin’ you down
Makin’ it right
Seasons, they will change
Life will make you grow
Dreams will make you cry, cry, cry
Everything is temporary
Everything will slide
Love will never die, die, die
I know that ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, I hope to see you again
Sunsets, sunrises
Livin’ the dream, watchin’ the leaves
Changin’ the seasons
Some nights I think of you
Relivin’ the past, wishin’ it’d last
Wishin’ and dreamin’
Seasons, they will change
Life will make you grow
Death can make you hard, hard, hard
Everything is temporary
Everything will slide
Love will never die, die, die
I know that ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, I hope to see you again
Ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high
When the moon is lookin’ dark
Shine that light up for your ground
I’m flyin’ up to let you see
That the shadow cast is me
I know that ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, I hope to see you again
Ooh, birds fly in every direction
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high
Ooh, so fly high, so fly high

 

 

9 thoughts on “Endings

  1. Nothing in life is black or white. Especially love. Can’t worry about those who may not understand your situation. Frankly, it’s not for them to judge anything. Relationships are as varied as people are.

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    1. Yeah- I’m honestly at that point where I’m totally open about everything. And it’s refreshing to be this honest and candid with others around me. It’s bleeding into every facet of my life, and there is this part of me- this part of Kate, that is blossoming into her own. This is a big part of that- being fully transparent with those around me. I’m leading with my heart center and I realize that sounds so new age hippie dippy. But my heart is open and the more I discuss real, deep issues with friends, the greater and more real those friendships are becoming. It’s elevating those friendships as they become deeper and deeper. But I long for that in a partner. And I don’t have that with my husband. We just don’t connect on a mental level whatsoever. We are great friends and have a lot of reasons to stay together, but I am craving this dynamic more and more. That unchecked box is rearing its ugly head. I can’t ignore it any longer, especially after opening up and being more vulnerable with everyone around me.

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      1. Any chance he steps up? Especially after “open relationship” or divorce is mentioned? Why won’t he put the effort in to save y’all? Or, is it already too late? If so, the latter seems the best course of action. It’d suck for your kids for a bit, but so does living in a home in discord. Kids are a hell of a lot more perceptive than adults give them credit for.

        As for your awakening, I’m happy for you. Living life as some kind of facade is exhausting. Living honestly and true to yourself is about as good as it gets. Not to be condescending, but I’m proud of you for owning it and freeing yourself. Like cutting the shackles off, no? 😃

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      2. Yeah it does feel like that. A sense of following my intuition about what I ultimately need in a partner. I don’t think he can ever be this for me, because its not inherently who he is. He called a therapist today, which is huge for him. I basically told him that I am worried he would just marry the first woman who paid him any attention, because he is lazy like that. And I can see him not wanting to be alone and just wanting a companion and/or the house to resume working like its always been vs really evaluating if this new person fills his buckets. I explained that I was really concerned that he would take all of our relationship problems into the next one. And so, I think that kind of sunk in. So much of his issues are tied up in his adoption/abandonment issues. I can’t be the glue that holds this family together anymore and I can’t pretend he hit the right notes in my desires. It’s totally affecting our sex life now- as in, I don’t even want to have sex with him anymore. And yes- he will step up in his own way, but never in the way I desire a partner to be. You can’t be something you aren’t and he’s not a leader. He’s a follower…

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      3. Was that not evident initially, or had he changed over time? I agree that a tiger can’t change its stripes, at not without major effort, and a “want to”. Losing you and his family as he knows isn’t enough of an impetus? That’s hard to imagine. I get where you’re coming from, though. Your key word in all of this is “partner”. A marriage, well, a good one, at least, is tough to maintain when it’s one-sided. That’s for certain. So, what’s your next step?

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      4. Honestly? I remember before we got married, we were traveling for about six weeks. During that time, I brought up the fact that he was adopted and wanted to speak at length about it. I was curious if it had any impact on him. If he had any desire to find his birth parents at that time. And looking further ahead, I wondered if this could impact us once we had kids. The last thing I wanted was my husband holding his very own child and then the enormity of that hitting him in that moment. I was curious if he ever thought he needed counseling going all the way back then. When I tried to bring it up, he totally shot it down and made it very clear, this was a topic he didn’t care to discuss and/or it didn’t matter to him. He totally brushed me aside and that should have been a big warning flag. But I was pretty naive and trying to be respectful. I was only 24. What did I know?

        As for the next step= I honestly don’t know. Every day something pops up. I’m just trying to get through another day here. But one thing is for sure, it seems a 50/50 split. Some friends think, just stay in the marriage. I would be trading one missing box for another (or more) with any other future partner. And then the other half of my friends are like, “I get it 100%. You NEED that mental connection. It’s the most important part!”

        I feel like I’m going to be looking for a unicorn though….my standards are incredibly high and I won’t settle for less than. I can see that working against me considering I have kids, my age bracket, and potential lack of time to actually date and find someone. I’ll probably just focus on my kids and be that mom everyone’s trying to set up, but I won’t go on dates…unless someone is relentless in pursuing me. And even then, I don’t know if I would trust anyone like that ever again. So who knows…in the meantime, we are continuing to talk scenarios out.

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      5. I hear ya’. It’s a massive decision, either way. Personally, not sure I could stay, without that mental and physical connection. If those are absent, what’s the point? I’ve always said I’d be alone forever before staying in a bad marriage. But, I’m a natural loner and don’t have a deep need to be in a relationship. I’ve been with my wife 27 years, but by choice, not due to some attempt to fulfill something. I’d have been fine staying single forever…with some friends with benefits thrown in, of course. And, I’m not certain staying together for the kids’ sake is a great course of action either. I sure hope things sort themselves out. Limbo is worst of all.

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      6. Yeah this whole “by choice” thing keeps cropping up today. You aren’t the only person to have said this to me today. Love is a choice. Trust me, I have no problem being alone after my marriage ends. And in fact- would welcome that. I think being on my own for a while would be a good thing, should I leave.

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      7. I can’t fathom those who just have to be in relationship with somebody, anybody, at all times. Can you imagine being that dependent on another for your very existence? I sure can’t. I love my wife more than life itself, but, if she left me tomorrow, I’d mourn….but I’d be just fine being single. I don’t get not being able to be. As far as your situation, I think it’s wise to remain solo for a while….if divorce is, indeed, the route y’all take. Both for your sake, and your kids’ sakes.

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