As I looked down at Niall’s message, I felt a twinge of curiosity.  Who was this guy?  His message seemed so harmless.  So simple.  So innocent.  What could possibly happen by replying?  I didn’t get the feeling that this conversation would go anywhere, which I can say in hindsight, provided a false sense of security.  Or maybe I was already compartmentalizing or justifying my behavior.   But I definitely didn’t think at the time that this would end up in an actual, long-term affair.  I really didn’t.

Feeling confident, I hit the reply button and responded to the faceless profile photo and generic name: beachCEO

For some reason, I thought about Billy in that moment.  And how we had locked eyes across the bar and had mad chemistry at that first glance.  That was what I was chasing…not an affair.  I was chasing butterflies.

Well this would be interesting seeing as I am older than you! Hahahaha, but in all seriousness, after reading your profile, you seem to be seeking most of what I am too.  And logistically, you’re my neighbor so this could work out perfectly. But I am really picky. And what I crave is that instant attraction, the one that makes your heart flutter and you can’t wait to see them again. And I am patient, so although AM markets itself as “the place” to have an affair, so far, I haven’t found anyone “affair worthy” or worth my time.

I have only given my photo out once. I don’t keep any photos on AM. So if we chat long enough and I feel a connection, perhaps we can meet for a drink. I would send you my photo long before that of course. But the one guy who met me said I was beautiful, girl next door, refreshing, couldn’t believe I was on AM, a busy-mom-on-the-go, down to earth, and very easy going.

So tell me about yourself. What is your ideal situation? Are you married or just in a relationship? Depending on your answers, I will give you my personal email and then we can chat from there…

Hi there.  Yes, I am married.  Two kids.  I am very new to this site.  Not looking to change my situation (nor anyone else’s).  But looking to find someone I connect with mentally as well as physically.   Most importantly, I am looking for absolute discretion.   I take care of myself and hope to find someone who does as well.  Love to cook (can make a mean lamb roast) and love to travel when I’m not working.  You could say I am a bit of a foodie.  I’m an executive working in start-ups, looking to find someone special who will literally take my breathe away.

What about you?  Have you traveled much?

I hope you have a nice day 😉

Me too.  Married, not looking to change my situation whatsoever.  But I miss that spark that comes with someone new.  I am very new to this site as well.  Like I said before, I’ve only shared my photo once (the guy I met for a drink).

I’m 5’6, 135 lbs, brownish blonde hair, green eyes, tan, fit.  I am not going to say I have the body of an 18 year old.  Heck, I have had two kids!  But yes, I take care of myself as well.  I run 4-5 times a week.  Love to be outdoors etc.

I use to live in Europe, have traveled all over the world…EU, Africa, south east Asia, Oz/NZ, Fiji etc.

Discretion, of course, is part of this.  It’s imperative 🙂

Hope you have a good day as well.


Did you really travel to all of those places?  I’m officially jealous.  I’ve always wanted to do a safari in Africa.  You’ll have to tell me all about it when we get a drink.  My favorite country in Europe is Italy.  The food and the wine are phenomenal.  And the architecture!  You must go, if you haven’t been yet.

And I want to assure you now, that I am not interested in the body of an eighteen year old.  Chemistry matters most to me…and finding a sexy, classy woman is what I seek- which by the sound of it,  you are 😉

You must get inundated with messages all day.   I’m flattered that you responded to mine.  Tell me more about yourself.  I want to discern your tastes and know more about you.  Do you have any plans for NY’s?

Your friend,



Wow…he gave me his name. That’s brave.  It must be fake.  Or he is really stupid to be putting his real name out there like that.  I couldn’t help but think, “Keep your guard up, Kate.  You don’t know who this guy is.  He could be some axe murderer for all you know.”  But there is a certain level of faith one needs to have when dipping your toes into these cheating waters.  But I…wasn’t quite there yet.

Cautious.  That was me.  Niall would have to gain my trust before I would ever reveal who I was…or agree to meet in person.   I took a deep breathe, twirled a lock of hair between my fingers, then abruptly formulated my response.  Our messages, were like a tennis match, volleying back and forth in real time.

I too want that chemistry, which can be so elusive.  If I am going to cheat, it’s going to be with someone who rocks my world for lack of a better phrase.   So far most of the guys on AM are Neanderthals!

I have lived an interesting life. I am sure you have too. I moved abroad in my twenties, first Paris then London where I finally lived for about 6 years. I worked for various fashion companies. Then relocated back to the states where I continued to work.

As for NY’s, 1 party…not sure if we will go. Our sitter is sick so it will be a game day decision. What about you?  Fascinate me with your life story in a paragraph or two 😉

It was at this point, that I took a breather from our conversation.  Time was flying by and I was getting sucked into this non-stop conversation.  Which if you knew me, wasn’t really my thing.  I had things to do…miles I wanted to run.  And kids that needed tending to.  Talking to Niall was bleeding into “my time” throughout the day.  And I noticed that immediately (this is a huge warning sign of affairs).

I grabbed my running shoes and started lacing them up.  But not before refreshing my inbox one last time.  There, on the page, was a shiny golden key which Niall had sent me.  For those of you unfamiliar with how AM works, that means you’ve been sent private photos.  I immediately clicked on the message and staring back at me was a baby faced, slightly rounded face, 34 year old.  One photo was a close up in business attire while the other was a full length, in more casual clothing.  He had dark brown hair and chestnut eyes.  Was definitely taller than me but looked very, VERY young.  That wasn’t really the look I was aiming for (I wanted someone older, slightly greying- like Billy, to be honest).

I only had an instant to stare at his photos.  Because at that very moment, my husband came home and flung open our bedroom door.

I quickly turned off my computer, laced up my running shoes and headed out the door….chasing butterflies.







20 thoughts on “Butterflies

  1. I’m curious about the dynamic. I suppose you feel more justified since your husband cheated on you. I’m curious – how does all this play out? The secrecy, the exhilaration, the time balance, the sudden shutting off of computers, the death grip on your phone….

    I’m asking for a friend. 🙂


    1. The dynamic between CEO and I was fantastic. He is extremely intelligent which I found refreshing. Despite his baby faced looks, he was a sexual deviant and very, very alpha. He led, I followed. I felt safe, secure and spoiled whenever in his presence. We created a fantasy world where dreams came true for both of us. It was in every sense, the ultimate affair. I trusted him with my heart and had the utmost respect for him. But like all affairs, they end badly…and with broken hearts.

      My advice? Tell your “friend” to never stray. Affairs never work out. They hurt you more than you will ever understand, until you are in the thick of it.

      I will say, I honestly didn’t feel entitled to have an affair, just because my husband cheated. He had confessed 2+ years before, so it’s not like I ran out and had some “revenge affair” here. I was certainly “over” my marriage by this point and was seeking someone to share my life with…someone who would fulfill the areas in my marriage that were deficient.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t think you can create a fulfilling relationship out of parts combined. You always want one whole relationship. I haven’t read all your posts yet. You may be headed here, but if you are unfulfilled, there’s really only one solution. That’s what my friend thinks.


      2. I 100% agree. During the early stages of my affair, I remember thinking, “I have finally figured out a solution to my marriage woes. If you combine CEO and my husband together, viola! It fills that relationship bucket perfectly.”

        Oh the lies we tell ourselves in the midst of doing things we know are blatantly wrong.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. That’s a fair question…

        When I met my husband, I truly felt I was marrying my soul mate. I was so lovesick when I first met him, giddy with excitement. He truly blew me away. Granted, we were quite young (I was 24 when I met him). I recall saying to CEO that the qualities I desired at that age were way different than the qualities I would seek now, in a partner. Child love vs adult love…

        Why stay?

        There’s a lot of reasons why: we’ve been together for a long time, he knows me better than anyone. Our lives run pretty smoothly now. We have kids together, so that’s a huge consideration. It would kill our children to not wake up every morning seeing their father. And he is a wonderful father. A wonderful provider. We live a nice life. He’s dependable, loyal and compliments my strengths and weaknesses. Are there things lacking? But of course. No relationship is perfect. We’ve both been through hell and back, so I can’t see us ever divorcing because the reality of what that looks like would alter our lives in a negative way: less time with our kids, splitting assets and ultimately bringing a lot of emotional turmoil to our lives. That’s something neither of us enjoy. So we make the most out of our marriage and weather the storms together.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I think what I’m really asking is why stay when something is missing, for both of you. I haven’t read your entire blog yet, lol, so maybe you’ve addressed it, but if you’re fighting and unhappy, the rest might be less important. However, if you’re generally good friends, and mutually supportive and just feel that you made some mistakes that you can work through, maybe that’s good enough.

        Some of the above may have been autobiographical. I’ll say that looking back, I thought I wanted marriage and family, and I had been ready for a while. The first surprise, the control and manipulation, caught me off guard, but I wanted it very badly, so I just let those things happen.

        I was unaware that I was setting the standard for the rest of this thing, and subjugating my own happiness. I guess I’m saying I don’t have much of the first part of your comment, and not much of the second either. No relationship is perfect, but wow… I’m waking up.

        I have determined you can’t have partial relationships. So I have two options, continue or leave. And I know which way I’m leaning, I think.


      5. Well for starters, at this point in my story, it was three years ago. There has been a lot of change and growth since then, both individually as well as a couple. We’ve never been big fighters. We rarely argued. I think we both likely held a lot in, trying to trudge along past his affair and my discontentment, and that did us both a disservice.

        We are very good friends and he is extremely supportive of me. And we make a terrific team. Like all married couples, we have our moments. But during this time in my story, he honestly annoyed the shit out of me. And I could barely stand being around him. I didn’t necessarily want out of my marriage because you know, we had kids etc. But I was pretty fed up with his beta attributes and sincerely yearned for someone else…and not just anyone else, but a true alpha male.

        And well, I got what I wanted.

        It took a long time to rebuild our marriage from the ground up. My plan? Date nights every weekend no matter what. Ship the kids off to grandma’s or take them to a kids club. No excuses. Next? Amazing dinners and evenings planned (concerts, overnights etc). We spent a lot of money that first year on expenditures such as that. A new sexy wardrobe. Date nights trying on lingerie at Agent Provocateur. The works. You name it, we did it. But we needed it. We needed to have fun, to date again. To see each other with the same dating eyes we once had for one another.

        Was it worth it? I would say yes, yes it was. Anytime my husband complained I just said, “Hey, this is cheaper than a divorce. Or individual and couples therapy.” It took us a while to reconnect. But having fun again infused us, and allowed us to forgive, talk and delve in the hardest discussions of our lives. I think we both saw that there was still so much good between us. And that, we could rebuild and start from there. Would this work for everyone? Probably not. But it worked for us.

        So that would be my advice. Keep trying. Keep working. Marriages get stale. Marriages get old and stuck in routines. And sometimes, affairs are the very thing that shocks a marriage and destroys the status quo, making room for a new beginning.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. That’s heartwarming and fantastic for you. I’m glad things worked that way, and so well.

        In my situation, I have been beating my head against a brick wall, virtually begging for therapy, counseling, and ultimately attending joint sessions by myself. “Support” has been in the form of barely being able to name three of my friends while I purchase plane tickets for her friends to visit her and stay with us, picking them up from the airport for her. Being told that I’m only getting a master’s degree because she’s in college too, and I can’t stand the thought of her catching up to me. Having a major issue and wanting, needing her support and comfort but only getting a frown and an “I’m sorry”.

        She has such baggage from her past and present, and it’s taken me this long (we’ve been married nearly 21 uears) to get to the point where I stop trying to fix it, and say it’s not my fault or responsibility. To object to her manipulations and insecurities dominating our lives and our children’s lives. She has physically abused me, for a few months after our twin boys were born, and when I recently brought that up to her, she pretty much blamed me for my own abuse. No apology or remorse. Humiliation over me finally calling the police.

        So, I’m maybe in a different situation than you are, lol. But I’m glad your relationship is healing.


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