Pondering

Something has been on my mind.  And I really can’t talk about this anywhere else but here.

I was thinking about this the other day.  The fact that, even though I had an anonymous blog, I never did write about my affair with Nial.  I never processed it- well at least on paper I never did.

I ran.  And that became my therapy, spending countless hours rehashing everything Niall ever said to me.  And going over everything a million times in my head.  To the point of exhaustion and finally letting him and the memories of him go.

For roughly two years, I was ok.  But then my health declined.  And I’ve wondered now…did the stress of everything cause my auto-immune disease?  Should I have blogged about it?  Would that have helped?

I’m such an independent person.  And although I love to write, back then, I just needed the solitude as the pain was too great to even articulate.

I loved Niall.  And despite knowing in my heart that we should both stay with our spouses, it didn’t change the fact that I loved him dearly.  And losing him from my life cut deeper than I said.  The pain of losing him was brutal…as well as the aftermath of our affair.

Because I am stubborn and independent, I’m not someone to raise my hand saying, “I need help.”  I handle everything on my own.   Always have, always will.  Is that detrimental to my health?

What if that mentality backfired and triggered an auto-immune disease to develop?

I have so many thoughts along these lines. I would love to purge myself of any memories of Niall.  But I can’t.  That’s not how affairs and memories work.  Niall is still there….

Sure you move on, but the memories are like a caboose that follows you around.  Depending on the curvature of the track, sometimes you see them clearly.  Other times they are hidden from view, stuck in a dark tunnel, as you chug along the track.

It doesn’t help that I ran into Niall’s wife last week at the annual Christmas Lighting ceremony.  Vivianne had run ahead to look at a store window display since it was decorated for the holidays.  As I stood on the north side windows, less than 8 feet away, there she stood staring at the very same display- but from another angle.

My heart dropped.  And I scanned the crowd like an FBI agent, while feverishly texting my best friend to, “Fuck!  Come to X,Y,Z store NOW!”  Bless her heart, she was there in minutes, as we had gone together to the event.

Niall wasn’t there but of course, it made me think of him.  How could I not?  One second I am enjoying the holidays, the next second, that Niall caboose was suddenly the first carriage of my memory train.  Front and center…and it all came flooding back.

So the memories have been triggered by another casual run in.  It’s bound to happen where we live.  So it’s kind of expected, but still a shocker every time.  It doesn’t get any easier.  The entire thing has made me wonder if I should finally write my affair story.  And get it all out on paper.

Do I need to process something?  Could it make my condition worse?  Is it somehow causing my current condition?

I don’t feel stressed, as of today.  But then again, if the doctors knew about what I have gone through these past few years,  I wonder if they would say, “Yeah, stress can cause all sorts of symptoms.  Even yours.”  Or, “Absolutely not.  Stress wouldn’t cause this.  And could not trigger an auto-immune disease.”

I would love to hear your honest thoughts…as this is a sincere question and point of discussion going around in my head.

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16 thoughts on “Pondering

  1. I’m a firm believer that auto-immune disorders lie in wait, then some other internal or external factor sets off the exacerbation. Stress could certainly be considered a factor. Just my opinion though. Hope you’re doing better and have gotten some answers. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I was going through something similar when I found out I had Hashimotos Disease. Although it wasn’t me having the affair, the stress of finding out that my husband was reconnecting with a woman that he was previously engaged to, really did stress me out. So maybe stress can be the cause? I also had two miscarriages during that same time frame, so I’m not really sure what happened to cause my autoimmune disease. I definitely feel like stress can be a major factor though.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Well I’m the last to say that your private problems caused your autoimmune disease, but I know what stress can do to the body, increasing cortisol levels. Just because you are strong and independent doesn’t mean that your body isn’t dealing with what you refuse to openly deal with.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. although i’d love to read it, be careful. you may find yourself rereading and constantly editing it yourself. it may help or it may have you obsess over it.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. There’s some really great reading and info on the mind-gut connection. It’s a topic I find really interesting but haven’t allocated much time to leaning more about it before. A fantastic documentary about it is called The Connection – definitely worth a watch.

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  6. It’s possible, but who knows. All things considered, it’s a miracle you and your husband are as healthy as you are. Did you handle it the right way? I don’t know, but I think you’ve handled your issues far better than I have. If only there was a guidebook for this – something like “What to expect when your life has fallen apart”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the vote of confidence Anonyman. As I said before, we are doing really good and have been for quite some time. I confessed everything to him. And he has literally watched me go through so many emotions regarding the ending of my affair. And I’ve spoken to him about Niall so much, nothing is of limits. Had Inot been so honest…and had he not been so willing to listen, we probably wouldn’t be where we are now.

      But I do wonder- have I done enough work to purge Niall from my heart?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t know. If you figure it out, let me know. I also don’t know if I’ve done enough or not. Well, that’s not entirely true. I didn’t do enough in that first year and since then I’ve paid a heavy price for that year. Sometimes I think it’s like setting a broken bone – if you wait to do it, it never heals right. It sounds like you didn’t make that mistake, so at least you have that going for you. Which is nice.

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