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Empathy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My good friend Madeline over at https://madelineharper09.com  blogged about the ending of her affair. For those of you who follow my blog, I haven’t even begun to write much about mine but suffice to say, our stories have overlapped since the beginning. She has since moved on but it was difficult for me to read along, as I’ve been there. I empathized with her pain, as well as knew first hand the pain of being a betrayed spouse. I also understood her affair partners reluctance to engage in the relationship any further. Juggling two relationships takes more work than anyone realizes (take my word). It taxes the mental file boxes so to speak.

Grief. Confusion. Pain. Sorrow. Love. Fear.

So many emotions pulse through your veins when facing the end of an affair. I haven’t divulged about my affair, but I wanted to share an actual email which I sent to CEO at the end. It mirrors so much of Madeline’s pain. Our lovers may be different, but I get where Madeline was at. I understand how it feels breathing through a vice-grip day in and day out, all while trying to function for your children. As humans we strive for knowledge, to make sense of our world and the relationships within and around it. At least we should.

Esther Perel once said, “Depending on the circumstances, anyone is capable of anything. This is a crucial piece of knowledge to hold, if there is true intention, to engage empathically with our fellow human beings. It is easy to cast off those that perpetrate or endure horrific things, as being unlike us or different in some way. And my worry is if we operate from that standpoint, we will always be operating from a place of disconnection and isolation. Empathy entails putting yourself in the shoes of another. It is important that we all challenge ourselves to cultivate this ability, because given the right circumstances or right conditions, we are all capable of anything.

The importance of struggle and pain is crucial to the development of character. The process of recovery is transformational. There is a great cost to the character of human beings if things are achieved too easily.”

As I followed Madeline’s journey, I couldn’t help but sincerely wish that her pain transformed her, just as the pain I caused transformed me. You should realize, I am in a different place than when I wrote this letter. But make no mistake, I sat in the crosshairs of gut-wrenching pain and my consequences for a long, long time. I struggled immensely, yet grew out of those ashes into a better person–a better wife–a better friend and better mother to those around me.

***

I came to the beach and ran all the way to the end. I wanted to feel close to you. To see your face amongst the crowds. Maybe even bump into you going for a run (we never did race!!)

My mind pondered so many things, thinking how just 1 week ago you said “I want you.” And how on a dime, that suddenly changed. I still don’t get it.

I ask myself constantly “Did he ever truly care for me?” You said you weren’t the man I thought you were. What does that mean???

I think you did care for me but I am so confused. I reached for my tablet this morning, wanting to turn it on to see if you had written. But I had to stop myself as this habit is so ingrained in me, to include you in my day to day life.

Last night, I took Vivianne to the outdoor concert. I left my phone at home by accident. Normally, I would have sent you a message talking about date night or our plans for the weekend. And in that moment, I realised just how much your presence truly was in my life.

We may have started off as adventure seeking lovers but you became one of my closest friends over the past six months. And I adored that CEO.  Simply put, losing you and your friendship hurts me the most. I have felt your support and laughter through so many months now, seeking advice, sharing my thoughts, concerns, fantasies and more.

I grew….as a person…..by knowing you CEO. That is one compliment which I’ve never said to anyone. Read that sentence again, slower now. Because very few people have ever come into my life and impacted me in so many ways. You are one of them–having made such an impression on my heart.

I look for the number 1 to appear in my inbox all the time. Seeing a message from “CEO” pop up gave me companionship during the chaos and monotony of my days. I noticed your name says ceo (lowercase) now in my inbox. And I wonder what you changed in your settings. I wonder if this is another step forward to disconnecting what had been our connected lives. It makes me well up in tears and I fan my face trying to breathe through the pain.

I hear footsteps behind me as I sit here watching the waves. And I wish they were yours so that I could tell you just how much I will miss you in my life. Waves of grief wash over me as if I have lost an arm or something. It hurts that much.

As I ran here today, I saw a vision of me working late at night putting together a business plan. The next picture was me at a table negotiating with a bunch of executives. Then finally another picture of me reading a news article talking about my company. I was giving an interview and they were asking “How did a mom get involved in the industry–how did you do it?” And I answered, “I met someone who inspired me to dream again. A CEO who showed me how to juggle a house of cards….I dedicate this to him.”

With that picture in my mind, I burst into tears thinking that in time, you and I will be referred to in the past tense. I never want to lose your friendship and tried to ask you how our interactions would be going forward. Likely this may happen over time. But right now, I can’t let go of someone whose friendship meant the most to me of all.

I care about you…always will. And CEO–you may not feel that you are a great person. But I felt it with you. And I know you are. I still believe in you. Everything with you was magical and that is how I will remember us.

***

I remember being in so much pain when I wrote those words. Thinking of not hearing from CEO every day ripped my heart out of my chest. Our lives had become so intertwined, both of us were a source of encouragement to the other. Whether he was having a bad day because an investor pulled out, or if I was struggling with the work I was handling–we always reached out. Losing his friendship was the death kneel, but I knew No Contact would be for life. It killed me to think I would never see his smile again. Never hear his laugh. Never share our fantasy world again.

But…over a year later, I can say that the pain diminished enough to function.  It waxed and waned over those first few months but the overall trajectory was there.  Two years after Dday, you are solidly looking forward and living your life, without the constant feeling of missing their presence.  It may not feel that way in the beginning (the first three months of No Contact are brutal) but you do get through it.   Make no mistakes, you carry the memories of them wherever you go, but they’ve been relegated to a filing cabinet that rarely gets unlocked.  The mental pictures you had swirling around in your head for so long, become fuzzy.  You don’t see their face with clarity and definition any longer.  It’s like they become a photo or snippet of a movie, when memories pop up.  And you are seeing it from afar.

I believe in order to move forward in your life, at some point you stop looking back so much.  You just do-instinctually.  You begin to live more in the present and little by little, you dust yourself off and rebuild your life.  One day at a time.

In the beginning, it’s an accomplishment to not burst into tears every time you drive or hear a song on the radio.  Or maybe just being present long enough to say, “I’m good, thanks” when a grocery clerk asks how you are.  A few moments suddenly becomes a few hours, and then it grows to a whole morning that you didn’t think about “them”.  As time moves forward, eventually days fly by.  And one day, maybe a whole year later, you get an entire week or two as a reprieve for your hard work.  That’s pretty much the first year after Dday in a nutshell, my friends.

Truthfully though, you won’t ever forget your affair partner. The good memories or bad ones–they are in that memory bank for life I’m afraid.  But you do heal.  You do.  In time.

I’m proof of it Madeline.

 

 

 

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Empathy

  1. The first thing to go is the sound of their voice. That’s year one. Year two the memories become foggy. And year three? I’m beginning to believe that’s when the letting go truly happens. But I don’t think we ever fully forget something that changes us so fundamentally.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Agree. Btw-I love that last line you wrote. It’s so true.

      I have certain pictures that pop into my head- moments and visions we shared together. But those arrive so infrequently now. And they are fuzzy, so so fuzzy. I haven’t really thought about the sound of his voice. Although if I wanted to hear it, I could easily listen to him online. I don’t though.

      When I broke things off with CEO the first time, I remember writing to him and saying something along the lines of, “Being in an affair with you is stealing my greatest asset–my mind.” I recognized early on just how addicting and dysfunctional affairs were.

      Two years past D-day, I can honestly say my headspace is reserved only for true love: my husband, my kids and leading a healthy life.

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      1. I had a bit of a different experience. Mine wasn’t an affair. But kind of unknown to me, she had been kind of trying to fix things with her ex-husband at the same time.

        Like you, some of the memories are so very fuzzy. But for me, some have become so much more vivid and strong. And especially some of the text messages Dawn had sent to me.

        What really is clear is one particular innocent encounter, where she simply touched my arm while smiling at me and talking about going to see a show together. And to top it off, she was wearing my favorite outfit on her. Reserved, professional, and so incredibly sexy on her.

        Right then I knew that she was “the one”, even though I know that “THE ONE” doesn’t really exist.

        Ugh…

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  2. TwoCheating…I am the betrayed wife, and oddly your story of recovery mirrors mine.

    Thank you for sharing this and giving me a glimpse into the soul of HUSBAND’s AP. I don’t hate her…I grieve her involvement and willingness to step into the relationship and I grieve it about her, and for her. Based on the letters & emails I read, and videos I saw, she was in love with my husband, and for a time, he believed he loved her too. I grieve that for her. It was never true…she was caught in a drama that she knew very little of, and she was a victim too. It is important for an other woman to search her soul and discover why and how she allowed herself to get there – to be in a relationship in which she doesn’t have the whole man – a relationship that distorts and rebrands love, if she wants to heal. At least that is my take…and the journey that I am on.

    I dug deep, and continue to dig deep, in the process of recovery. I had to figure out how I found and married a man who could and would cheat. Who lied and I believed. Who deceived and I didn’t see. I had to understand my own place in the dance, and whether I needed a new partner or if we could learn new steps…and if those steps would be together.

    Again…thank you for this post and your insight into your heart during the process. It helps me. You say you are a better wife, a better mom, a better person. I wish you blessings on the journey. HUGS.

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  3. The friendship is the hardest part for me too. Before the affair we were such great friends. We only grew closer as friends as our affair took hold. She opened up new worlds to me. New feelings, experiences, ways of looking at life and of myself. The time I spent with her transformed me in ways that I never imagined nor can I ever go back. It all happened so quickly too. In seven months my life was completely transformed. To lose all of that is not easy. The pain of having her ripped from my life is extremely hard to handle. There is no one to talk to either. It’s an internal solitary pain. Thank you for sharing this.

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    1. I miss Niall’s friendship and general presence in my life above all else. I told him this in one of my last emails, “Take everything else away, it’s your friendship that I will miss the most.” So, he knew.

      I can say truthfully, that even to this day, that’s still the case. There will always be a piece of my heart that cares about him. I think that is the price of having an affair. You can never undo knowing that person and thus, you have significantly been changed by them and their friendship.

      Liked by 1 person

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