The End

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When do you call it quits?  At what point do you finally acknowledge- too much damage is here and we can never repair the tsunami that blew through our marriage.  When?  What’s the formula for making that determination?

I read an article this week that said 57% of marriages stated they were thriving five years after discovering an affair.  We aren’t even close to being included in that group.  For some reason, finding this out demoralized me.  It’s been five years since my husband confessed and I feel our marriage is in crisis more than ever.

Those that know me off blog understand just how dire things are.  But I will peel back the curtain slightly and share just one example of what I battle.  I’ve had plenty of discussions with my husband lately- hours worth in fact.  An incident occured weeks ago, whereby he admitted he lost his drivers license and had no way to rent a car.  You see, his irresponsible behavior caught up with him when he failed to take care of his vehicle resulting in blowing up the engine.  Yep, that’s what happens when you don’t check your oil people.  I could have killed him.

So here he was- without a car- and unable to even rent one.  When it dawned on me…he lost his drivers license when he went CHRISTMAS shopping over three months ago.  Christmas people!!!  Now I don’t know about you guys, but my brain would have been screaming at me to take care of my missing drivers license.  Like within 2 days of realizing I lost it.  Every time I drove, I would have been stressed out knowing I was driving without one.  But that’s just me.  Clearly, my husband and I are polar opposites in that way.  Me being the responsible one–him shirking away from all responsibility.  Yep, he stuck his head in the sand (again).

I asked him point blank, “Are you having an affair?  Your behavior reeks of someone who has checked out of their marriage.  I know the signs and you are simply not “with it”.  He assured me he wasn’t, emphatically denying it.

So I went about asking a barrage of questions, “Why have you not made an appointment with the DMV?”  And he said, “Well I looked online but they didn’t have one for months.”

“Ok but did you try looking at different locations?”

” uhhhh…no”

With a few swipes on my phone, I found several locations with availability that week.  But he needed a car ASAP, so he really needed a replacement drivers license fast.  He logged onto his computer while I yelled across from the kitchen, “March 15th–I found one at XYZ city.  You’ll have to drive 45 minutes but they could see you in 2 days.”

More groans…when finally he found an appointment for the next day, although he would have to drive an hour away (not a big deal–an inconvenience but doable).  Phew, crisis averted.  He is scrambling to resolve.  I’m obviously frustrated by his laziness but I’m seriously sitting on the sidelines trying to allow the natural consequences of his behavior to wreck havoc on his life.  Nothing motivates people more than the feeling of shit of the world mounting upon you.

The next day he left for work.  I looked at the time later that afternoon and thought, “Oh he is probably leaving the office now for his DMV appointment.”  When all of a sudden, wouldn’t you know it-he calls me in a panic.  “Can you please gather up all these documents?  I need them for my appointment, to get my drivers license.  And can you drive them to the freeway and meet me?  I won’t be able to make my appointment otherwise, as I am short on time!”

I could have killed him.

“ummm… You want me to drop what I am doing to come and bring you your paperwork?  Don’t you think you should have read the DMV requirements for getting a replacement license last night?  And retrieved those prior to leaving the house this morning?  You want me to save you–to bail you out? I really think the best option is to let natural consequences fall upon you for not being prepared.  For not having any foresight…”

Wish I could say I stuck to my gut response, but I didn’t.  Time was of the essence.  Natural consequences did not fall upon him.  I bailed him out, driving to where he needed me and giving him the papers.

In that moment, I realized I am just an enabler to him.

I am disgusted by his behavior.  It’s as if I am married to an irresponsible 12 year old.  When I handed him the papers, we didn’t even say a word to eachother.  A few minutes later, I sent him the following text:

“I’m honestly done being married to you. I am. I would rather be a single mother and at least have a shot at happiness than keep pushing mud up a mountain. You aren’t happy. I’m not happy. It’s obvious you will never be what I need in a relationship and it’s about time both of us face that fact and pull the plug.

If you want to be lazy that’s fine. But don’t drag me into the lazy husband pool anymore. I’ve allowed this for far too long. I’ve become an enabler to your shitty behaviors and you’ve lost me. I have always said the affairs won’t be the reason why we divorce. It will be THIS dynamic which will break us.

It has.

We are done.”

His reply?  None…crickets.

We have since cooled down.  And we’ve had more talks.  Still living in functional harmony like we always do.  Still socializing with our neighbors and doing things with the kids.  Putting our best faces on.  But the issue remains.

Today (on Easter nonetheless) we had a monumental 6 hour discussion spanning the entire length of our marriage–what’s gone wrong, at what point/what was going on in our lives during certain parts.  His perceptions.  My perceptions.  His hurts vs my hurts.  We’ve gone through it all.  I think the end is near for us.

So something popped into my mind this week that never has before.

The loss of CEO caused me unbearable pain friends.  It’s taken me so long to even write that but it did.  More than he will ever truly know.  But perhaps that pain was to prepare me for an even greater pain–that of losing my husband and all the unmet dreams I had for us.

I can’t even say that I am holding on by a thread anymore.  One person can’t make a marriage.  One person can’t be the only one communicating.  One person can’t give and give and give, while the other one takes and takes and takes.

As one of my blogger friends said to me offline, “A grown man who can’t handle his drivers license and car?  Friend, this problem is far greater than YOU.”

So when do you finally say “enough”?  When do you finally pull the plug friends?  I refuse to become an ugly person should we divorce.  I will hold my head up high and walk away with nothing, if I have to.  I don’t want to fight.  I want my children to be proud of me.  To know and see that I didn’t let my pain turn me into some bitter person.  I want an amicable divorce.  An unconscious uncoupling if you will.  One where we are still close friends, still vacation together with our kids–but just are no longer lovers or spouses.

I just can’t be the glue holding everything together anymore.  I have nothing left to give.  I need a true partner in a husband.  My heart is screaming to have my needs met in our marriage, and it falls upon deaf ears because he has his head stuck in the sand.  My husband stopped trying- stopped fighting for us.  Stopped working at building a new marriage.  He admitted it wholeheartedly tonight when I confronted him.  So nice of him to have shared that memo with me.

I never married with the intent to ever divorce.  It simply was not an option in my mind.  I always believed we would work anything out, even this.  But I’m spent.  Emotionally I’m done.  I feel an incredible desire for closure and to just be alone.

 

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14 thoughts on “The End

  1. Wow! I’m so, so sorry to hear this. But, it appears he’s not willing, or capable, to make these changes. I was hopeful. We all have a breaking point. It appears you’ve reached yours. Again, I’m so sorry. 😔

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Yes, everyone has a breaking point, and it appears you are way beyond yours. Some down time, some time apart, some reflection. Once you have done that and come to your conclusion, get on with it.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Well alot of this sounds the same as mine. I was fed up and felt I was always fixing his huge mistakes. I read the entire post, but I must have missed what he said when you told him you wanted a divorce, was it nothing?
    I feel for you, I could feel the anguish your going thru and the utter exhaustion. I might ask him to go see a therapist for depression first, he sounds depressed and stuck in an endless loop of doom and not caring at this point. Good luck and prayers, this is a tough road to walk, but you can do it, I and many others have and survived, then thrived afterward.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know I have worked on myself since his confession and especially since mine. Change didn’t occur over night, it was a process which was painful. I do feel that so many parts of my life are fulfilled. I am genuinely happy in all other areas, except this. I have no control over what he does with his life, only mine. I am proud of my achievements over these past two years. And he has seen the change in me. I know that much.

      He said last night, “I know I haven’t done anything. If someone were to ask me, ‘what have you done for your wife- what have you done to rebuild your marriage? There wouldn’t be much of a story to tell. Except for making dinner reservations once, I haven’t done shit. And I know it.'”

      Why is he so incapable of lifting a finger? I don’t get it. And more importantly, why do I keep tolerating it?

      I keep coming back to his adoption. And how he has always said, “The biggest decision regarding my life was made for me, before I was even born.”

      I think deep down he is just incredibly screwed up. Had I really understood the extent of his issues and potentially how it would affect our marriage, I would have never married him. It’s like a losing battle: me against his defeated perceptions.

      I’m tired. I’m emotionally drained and feel as if I will burst into tears. But I am also so so strong, too strong actually. And I need and wish I had someone like CEO in my life who I could turn to. Someone who would allow me to rest my weary head, after having to be so strong. I don’t have the strength anymore. I will never have another affair– I know that road only leads to heartache but I need a true partner. It’s been five years and nothing has changed. I do think he is depressed. He admitted he is sad, perhaps residual anger left over from my affair. But he never talks to me, nor anyone else.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Hmm. Ok, this sounds so familar. My ex never admitted he gave up, because I dont believe he ever tried to start anyhow. I was so exhausted from raising the kids, holding the family together, cleaning, working, and never having a soft place to rest my head (that is what I would call it), I was always on guard also from his LCS, lying cheating and stealing from us I was beaten down bad. I could never count on him, and he just didnt care. I never had an affair, but I thought about having a real partner all the time. You should know, this will be the hardest thing you ever do if you divorce him, people will judge you, and hate you, he will hate you and you will loose friends and family and then…. it will get better, and then it gets awesome. Because you will find someone who you can count on. Your walking a hard path right now, so take the time to make the right decision – it took me years to come to the conclusion I wanted a divorce and I changed my mind alot, and I second guessed, and I could not be happier right now. I have a true partner and I am so happy I have perma grin every minute. So move slow and purposeful with your life right now, get your ducks in a row, and be prepared for whatever comes your way. Wishing and praying the best for you.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. This sounds like it may be something beyond just laziness and irresponsibility on his part. Is he in counseling? Has he considered medication for his depression? If he’s holding all of this in, then he’s not dealing with it, and if he’s not dealing with it, it will kill him emotionally.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. After I sent him that text, he never replied. I sat him down that evening to talk about the laziness and irresponsible behaviors + lack of motivation/passion for anything, even our kids. Nothing came of it, except him saying he didn’t want to reply. “How am I supposed to reply to something like that”, he said.

      The next day, he asked if he could use my car. He said he made an appointment with a therapist. Unfortunately, she had a death in the family so wasn’t at her office. He was upset she hadn’t phoned to cancel his appointment. Obviously, he realizes how dire our situation is. Nothing has come out of that. I did follow up, asking him if he rescheduled. He asked her point blank if they could reschedule for the next available appointment. Her reply echoed his asking if they could “reschedule” for another time. Not sure how he found her but so, I’m not impressed. If this is how she treats an unknown client, then I have doubts already. But I do recognize on some level, he is reaching out for help.

      As for medication, I personally don’t prescribe to that solution. I believe he is depressed/sad because he has issues, not that he has some mental disorder. He needs to hit rock bottom and do the hard work of transforming his life. I even broke that down for him last night, explaining that he needs to rebuild his self esteem. It starts one day at a time. He gets 24 hours in a day. And he needs to make every minute count. If not for me, do it for our children. They need a father who is engaged, responsible and “with it”.

      I have no idea if we will make it. But I sincerely want him to thrive, whether we stay together or not. I told him, “You could very well lose your family, seeing your kids each and every morning. And you act like you don’t even care. Most spouses view Dday as a major awakening that their marriage needs to be rebuilt. Where are you? Where have you been? You are so checked out to the realities of life and I am sinking here, surrounded by the responsibilities of it while you watch us all die. You’ve become a toxic cancer to our family and I can’t be married to you anymore. I can’t do it. I just can’t. You are single handedly destroying everything I try to build between us like some passive-aggressive person. I don’t get it. I don’t get you…”

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      1. I don’t recall if you’ve struggled with depression in the past or what it’s like. My experience was a profound emptiness where the only two choices seemed to be keep treading water or die – both pretty hopeless

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      2. I don’t struggle with depression. I’m a pretty even keeled person but I am at my wits end. When I have a problem, I tackle it. If I need to pivot after diving into fixing whatever the problem is, that’s fine. I’m a pretty flexible person as long as I see the logic behind something. I’m what most people would call a busy person. I juggle a lot- it’s one of my strengths and my output matches that. But this head-in-the-sand act has been going on for far too long. And I just want him to wake up from his slumber and rise to his potential. He is capable- he didn’t always act like this which is why I suspected another affair.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Damn, didn’t mean to hit reply yet. Anyway, I can’t speak to what he’s going through and I don’t know if it’s similar to what I went through. What I can tell you is that I had no hope of changing or dealing with my issues, let alone having a normal emotional connection with people. An antidepressant is what I needed to feel hope and to start dealing with my problems. YMMV

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  5. I don’t disagree that it’s time for something to change. To pretend otherwise is, I believe, to do harm to you and your family, and I sense that it is also making you angry and frustrated with him. However, from my perspective, I wonder if he can change without help. He seems to recognize he needs help, but finding a good therapist or going on meds can be daunting – even terrifying – especially when you’ve given up on life.
    I realize I’m viewing him through the lens of my own experiences and I don’t know what has been said or dealt with in private, so please forgive me if I’m completely off the mark. I guess I just see a lot of myself in your description of his behavior.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Well wouldn’t you know it…my husband decided to actually visit my blog today. He told me this evening that he read this post (and all your lovely comments dear friends). And it made him pretty upset, hearing it all laid out. Not that he was upset with any of you guys. He was upset at himself because everything I wrote was accurate and true. He said, “You weren’t bashing me or being offensive. I could see that you were really trying to explain the situation as it happened.” I said, “Yeah, I think I accurately explained what happened. I mean you know about my blog. You are free to read it. It’s my place to vent and write about my life…”

    He said he understood completely. He also said seeing the story written out and hearing everyone’s comments shook him up. He actually found himself wanting to reply to people’s comments (I told him he should–I think everyone would love to ‘talk’ to him). He admitted that he really didn’t like what he read. I think he is ashamed.

    I’m not holding my breathe but this is a unique situation: him hearing outsiders comments to what we are battling. In a way, I’m not the big bad wolf delivering the news that he has to step up anymore. You all are the big bad wolves now :-).

    Maybe…just maybe this will stir something within him. But yes–something/everything has to change. If not, I have no doubt that our marriage won’t last.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I am very familiar with the feelings you describe. That of being an enabler, of feeling like I was married to a teenager I had to take care of. How it’s all the little things that became big and not the big things that drove me to the edge. The feeling of being done. I chose to leave. It was the right decision for me. I hope you find your path.

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