I woke up this morning, like every other morning, and went for my run. It’s a poignant day because two years ago, Laura (in my story) sat me down and said, “Start exercising everyday”. Well, I took that to heart–nearly 1700 miles later, I can say, it’s been one piece of advice that I’m grateful I followed. In short, it’s been a blessing.
But it’s also been a curse because as someone once said off-line to me, “Don’t you find exercise to be incredibly hard? Because it is for me–that is when my brain goes nuts and I think back to my affair.”
“Yes”, I said. “I do too. But thats also why I run. To work through all my pain.”
But like Forest Gump, here’s what I discovered during the end of that milestone…I could only ever get so far in my recovery because the one person I needed to talk to–to move forward and heal in my life–I wasn’t supposed to contact. Yeah….CEO.
For months, my brain has been screaming at me to reach out. To make peace with him. To seek his forgiveness for shutting down, walking away, not talking to him or replying to his messages. For not protecting him from the fallout of my confession.
No matter how hard I tried to move forward with my life (and make no mistakes, I have), this issue remained front-and-center. I circled around these thoughts for miles, upon miles as I ran every week. Until I finally sat by the ocean this morning, looked out towards the sea, opened my phone and broke 16 months of no contact.
Yes, my dear friends. That was me today.
I apologize if I have disappointed you all. But this is my true reality. This is my story and how I struggle to remove CEO from my thoughts. I am trying to move forward with my marriage, at warp speed no less. But how can one truly move on, when there is this giant bolder of pain sitting over there that needs to be forgiven?
I recognized how unhealthy it was to hold everything in. Clearly, I’m an expert at that. Heck, I haven’t even begun to write about our actual affair that’s how great I am at holding every card to my chest. But I needed to say the things that I did. My contact with him was for MY healing. To move forward with my husband and not have this constant dialogue running through my head.
I was taught as a kid that if you did something wrong, you sought someone’s forgiveness. And all this time, I wrestled with doing just that, in order to fully move on and heal. Going “no contact” and pretending that you caused no damage to another persons life and marriage is naive and cowardly. I had a part to play in all of this and I needed to face it head-on, or else I felt I would never move past where my husband and I had worked so tirelessly to get to.
So as heartfelt as I could, that is what I did. I contacted him. CEO’s response was terse, and awkward. Hell he could have been in a meeting for all I know. But once I started, there was no stopping me. Reaching out was about my healing. And I told him this. His responses really didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. I needed to follow my heart, seek his forgiveness and say the things that have been on my heart for a very very long time.
Did I say everything, cover every last thing in this talk? No. Not even close. You can’t sum up everything in a short message. I explained that I wished I could explain everything but even if I had an entire day to talk, I doubt that would be enough time to convey everything.
Do I regret it? Nope. Because I know this isn’t to reestablish contact. It’s to move forward. For me. To ultimately give every piece of myself to my husband and to not look back any longer at CEO. For closure on every side.
With breaking no contact, I do feel a sense of relief in addressing how things ended. I asked for his forgiveness and he granted it to me. I shared that I wake up every day, thinking he hates me. He said, he doesn’t. It’s been healing to see those words, after telling myself over and over that he must. I explained that I don’t have an enemy in this world, but because of how things ended, I believed that’s how he viewed me. He said no, he has no enemies. He doesn’t hate anyone. That’s not who he is.
So, I have a heavy heart in knowing I broke NC, but my intentions were good. When my husband came home, I told him immediately. Read everything I wrote and everything he said in return. Full transparency my friends. It’s not easy but it’s the only shot we have at making this marriage work.
There was a part of me that wanted to not tell my husband, because I don’t want to cause him any further pain. But I knew I had to. I was emotionally drained and every fiber in my muscles were aching last night. Strangely, it felt good asking for CEO’s forgiveness but interacting with him brought those all too familiar “friends” along for the ride–fitful sleep (non-existent is more like it), a swirling mind (Did I word my contact properly? Did I seek his forgiveness in the right way?), utter exhaustion and fatigue. I wasn’t expecting that to happen. Truthfully, I don’t miss feeling like that. But while CEO was in my life, that’s exactly how I felt.
Conflicted. Over-analyzing everything. Trying to perfectly word everything and not just be…myself.
I long for the peace and serenity to return to me. I expect it to. This would have set me back tenfold had I done this a year ago. But I wasn’t ready. I could only reach out on my own terms, when I was strong enough to do so. It’s taken me sixteen months to get there. And along the way, you guys have not just been my readers but a few have become genuine friends. I may have lost CEO’s friendship, but ironically I’ve gained more friends by opening up and sharing my pain. Real friends that know everything–the good, the bad, the ugly side of Two Cheating Hearts. And still love and support me regardless.
Thanks for holding my hands Woman Invisible, even during your crazy day yesterday you were there. And thank you RecoveringWoman for your sage advice and friendship. It’s helped keep me on this path to restoration.