(Author’s note: I will likely delete this post within a week)
When I started this blog, my intent was to tell my story from beginning to end. I never wanted to clutter my site with blogging awards or chain mail thingies, nor wanted my blog to be a place where I vented about the affair aftermath on a daily basis.
But today is a difficult day, for many reasons. And I am going to break my storytelling protocol to provide a rare glimpse of actual present day angst.
Today is a meaningful day. I went to the hospital for yet another follow up, and was told that I do not have cancer. This underlying medical issue developed right before my relationship with CEO ended. So walking back into that hospital, sitting in the same waiting room and wearing the same white baffle knit robe conjured up many emotions today.
I sat in the very same changing room where I took a photo and sent it to him. He quickly replied, “Oh my God, I just lost my breathe. Are you ok? Praying for you (and I’m not religious). Let me know the outcome once you know, ok?”
The doctors ran multiple tests, only for the radiologist to finally say it’s benign. But I had several hours until that occurred and I sat there thinking, “What if? What if I am diagnosed with cancer. Would I then reach out to CEO? Would I then reach out and have one more conversation to put every last swirling question and emotion to bed? Would it keep my head faced forward, for life, and keep my heart only thinking of my family? Knowing just how precious every second with them would be? Would getting a diagnosis of cancer be the magic pill to binding my heart completely to the ones I truly love? To the ones who show what true love is?”
Those thoughts as well as many others concerning the special meaning of today is something I struggled with immensely. I wanted to reach out to him and my brain was firing all it’s synapses to do so. But it was hard, brutally hard friends. For I have a years work of no contact under my belt and just as much pride and ego wrapped up in that accomplishment. However, somewhere deep inside my heart, I yearned for him to know. That I still cared—even after everything that happened–I still did and I still remembered. And that I didn’t forget.
The significance of today was not lost on me. I wished that I could have reached out. To say a lot of things that have been on my mind for months. To share that he was still in my thoughts, even after all this time. Truly.
So I did what any woman trying to forge the next chapter in rebuilding her marriage would do….I ran home to my husband and cried about him yet again. I shared my struggles and pain over how conflicted I was. I shared aspects of our story, yet again, with my husband. And then we went out for dinner and a glass of wine trying to reconnect/rebuild our marriage from this point onward. Brutal honesty–it’s not an easy thing to do my friends.
Because even if every single fiber of my heart wanted to reach out to him–it wants, even more so, my family and children’s happiness above all else. And it should be that way, rightfully so. That was always the crux of my parting thoughts to him.
So all I can do is send love and friendship from afar, wishing him continued success in all of his endeavors. And hope–so so sooo much hope for a transformative year in his marriage as well.
Another year stronger.
Another year of figuring this all out.
Fly on, my dear friend.
Fly on.
Wonderful that you were able to share and put it all away…
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wouldn’t say it was put away. That’s the struggle…it’s always there. He is always there. Still.
LikeLiked by 5 people
I understand.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Sharing it took its power away. When you don’t share, that’s when it settles in your brain and grows. Glad you made the choice to run to your husband.
LikeLiked by 5 people
Exactly. I understood that early on which is why brutal honesty no matter what has been our joint agreement. I’m really hoping that day brings a better balance to our lives, because yesterday was nothing but CEO memories.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Thank you for sharing and for being so strong. I can only hope I would make the same brave decision. I know just how difficult it was not to contact. I am glad you are okay.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I almost reached out to him several times, but I reached for true friends who I can count on to listen without judgement…and of course, my husband. Really hard though.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Believe me, I truly understand. I have promised myself that any further contact and I will go right to my H. I told him broad strokes and that was hard. What u wrote about your husband sounds very much like mine. They are good men. I’m an addict and he became my drug.
LikeLiked by 1 person
TCH, just wanted to say, I in no way meant to insult you or question you, I sincerely hope I didn’t. This is your journey. You know the narrative of your story better than anyone. I’ve never been in an affair, though I’ve been collateral and direct damage of others’ affairs, primarily my dads when I was a child. I have a curiosity about this topic. I guess I was sorta typing out loud with reference to my love vs relapse question. No matter, I’m happy for you, and your husband, that you chose the route you did. Reconciliation can be an amazing trip if both share the same goal. Again, I’m proud of you (and that and $5 will get you a cup of Starbucks).
LikeLiked by 1 person
I didn’t take any offense whatsoever. I read that as sincere questions which I pondered on for a bit. I’m sincerely sorry you were exposed to your fathers affair. I don’t know the specifics but I understand why you would be curious about this topic.
That is the one thing we have worked the hardest for: protecting our children at all costs. It’s hard enough for adults to comprehend the aftermath and work through the emotions, children shouldn’t be burdened with deep, complex adult issues. They should be allowed to be kids, so that’s been our main priority in all of this. Protecting their innocence, providing a stable and loving home and working tirelessly at rebuilding our marriage.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Glad I didn’t offend you, new to all this and don’t want to piss anybody off in the first week I’m here.
I certainly wasn’t protected from their antics. All of it, from fighting pre-divorce, to being a pawn during it, to meeting dads AP almost immediately. I was around 7 or 8 during all of it.
I commend you guys for keeping them sheltered. My wife and I have done the same. Throughout our marriage.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Well done for not reaching out – a year’s NC is an amazing achievement, even though your heart still beats for him.
It’s good that you’re able to share with your husband and friends; my secret will always be a burden I carry alone, it’s heavy and keeps on getting heavier.
LikeLiked by 3 people
2CH, first off, I am happy to read that you are healthy! Secondly, that you went home to your husband and further invested into your marriage was good for me to read. For idiots like me, we need to see how someone with conviction also struggles and yet rises above.
Please leave this post in place for every other struggling idiot like me who needs to see that there is a lot of hope in our work towards healing.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I don’t know you, at all. But, I’m proud of you. I wonder though, not knowing your story, if you “love” who you refer to as CEO or are those feelings merely a relapse of the addiction brought on by the trigger. Either way, stay strong and love your family. They are who you need and SHOULD want to share this good news with, not an AP. that is, if your husband truly is who you love. Keep on keeping on, stay strong and protect what you cherish.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It was a special day for CEO and the significance of that day brought me to my knees. Not the hospital visit. It just was another random universe thing that seems to revolve around me at times–two things syncing up to screw with my head! No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I verbalize the desire for my marriage to thrive, the universe seems to throw even more reminders of CEO my way. Just the way it seems to work for me, unfortunately.
As for this being an addiction–I really don’t think it is. I remember how it felt to be in the affair and yes, that felt like an addiction at times–a compulsion of sorts. I feel none of that whatsoever. However, I think what fueled my desire to reach out is wanting to wish him the best. To let him know what I do care. I did care. And that I hadn’t forgotten about today…nor him.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’m so happy to hear you’re healthy. You are so beautiful and so strong. And I can only imagine hard today was.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Madeline. I appreciate your advice and help along the way. This journey as you know, hasn’t been easy!
LikeLike
Hugs my friend. These moments are so hard to endure. What a great marriage that you can walk through these moments together. So pleased you are healthy, and you are a true inspiration. ❤️❤️
(PS. Sorry for unfollowing and following you again… Seems to be a secret pastime of mine lol 🙂 )
LikeLiked by 1 person
It doesn’t always feel like a “great” marriage Felicity. Trust me- we have both worked really hard to get here. But we aren’t there yet. We have certainly put our all into date nights and having fun together again. That much I know. Although that’s brought us to where we’re at today, there’s still more ingredients to add into this marriage to fully restore it.
To be honest, I’m circling back to questions which I presented to him years ago, knowing just how much I desire certain attributes in a partner for life.
I’ve felt for most of our marriage that I need a stronger man than me (in a relationship sense). And I struggle immensely with that because I don’t feel I have that dynamic with my husband. Yes, he ticks off so many boxes: great sex, kind man, wonderful provider and friend. But I feel that alpha male leader is the right fit for me. Someone stronger than me. Someone whom I can rest my head against and feel protected, guarded and taken care of. Like you, I do everything for my family. I’m not looking to be some princess in a castle here. I am a very strong woman myself. Give me a job and I will get it done. But even I need to let go….and that is how I truly felt when I was with CEO.
So that is where I am kinda at today. I wonder, “Can one small unchecked box topple an entire list of other great attributes?”
And for the record, I get I am not the perfect wife. I am sure there are boxes he would think are unchecked as well. But this one is a biggie for me. It’s a core dynamic which everything flows out from.
At times, I feel like I am stuck in a car that only goes 60–but I want to drive 85. However, it’s not a sports car. It will still get me from A to B, but I am frustrated driving it everywhere!!
LikeLiked by 3 people
I have been thinking about this. The unchecked box can topple an entire list of attributes – if we let it. If we don’t keep everything in perspective. We don’t have the ‘novel’ story lines. None of us. How would we grow if everything were perfect? 🙂
I understand wanting the Alpha though….. I couldn’t imagine anything else. But they are HARD work too. I think where hubby and Max varied the most (both Alpha) was that Max made me feel safe. Like I was protected. Just what you said.
I like the idea of core dynamics. They are core. They make us who we are.
No matter the relationship there will always be a mountain we circle together. Time and time again. I’m not sure of the answer, but one unchecked box will only win if you allow the thoughts to reproduce and grow and then become the focus. xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Felicity. Very wise and sound words. I’m going to ponder on what you said for a while. This is something I personally have been circling back to for years. xx
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hang in there. Do you present this need to him, in very specific terms? As a fellow guy, I can tell you, we are not always the best at picking up on subtle clues. A swift kick in the ass is necessary sometimes. One would think having a serious affair would provide that kick and I get the sense that you have discussed this with him, but, if it’s worth fighting for, continue to do so. I know we can be frustrating but, we have the power to change, even our core being. I know, I’ve done it. Keep talking to him about your needs, and his. Keep on keepin on.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes I have spoken to him about this for years, in very specific terms. And I came to the conclusion, based on my own logic, that people are fundamentally who they are at their core. No one can make someone change.
I explained that I struggled within our marriage because I always have felt like the leader. And I don’t mind being a solid interchangeable leading partner, but that I don’t want to be the visionary for our entire marriage. I simply don’t want to be the “kick up the ass” to get him to go after things: a better career, starting a business/company, buying a house, having children, planning anything: savings, retirement investments, financial strategies to take care of our children should we suddenly die, family trust etc. It’s frustrating that I am with a husband who looks at life with a core belief that “everything will be alright” and then sits back to watch me put every piece together to ensure it does turn out right.
It’s a very strong attribute to his personality which everything flows from. It touches every part of our marriage. He knows this. I know this. This isn’t some elephant in the room by now.
The thing is, I am no longer a naive 24 year old wanting to get married because of love and being separated by two continents. I understand my inner workings better than ever and I know what my emotional and relationship must haves are at this age. But the question for me is, “Will he ever return that?”
I don’t think he can because it’s not who he is at his core. I either accept this is how things will always be, or I move on. It’s quite simply in my mind, but we also have kids. So…not so simple.
His adoption issues contribute considerably to his personality trait of being a people pleaser. Trust me when I say, he is a very nice, respectable, liked and friendly man. Everyone thinks he is a nice guy. And he is. But he operates from a deficiency whereby he never wants to piss anyone off, so he’s timid whereas I am bold. I tackle things and lead. I go after things I want…and get it. I’m not happy being complacent whereas he is ok with the status quo and not rocking the boat. It’s the core difference between us…and one which I’m afraid could eventually make us divorce. Not because we don’t love each other. Not because we argue all the time. Not because he wasn’t someone I couldn’t ever be friends with. But because I need this in a partner for life.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m sorry, it sounds frustrating. I know when my wife and I had our troubles, that was something I had to change as well. Not to the degree that your husband needs to address, but, I too am very laid back. A go with flow kinda guy. But, I still consider myself type-a. Walk softly and carry a big stick if you will.
I wish I could give you some sound advice. Does he not realize this may drive you away?
I know this will be hard for him, to change himself, at his core. But, it seems to me, if you and your marriage is important to him, that hed
LikeLike
I’ve been thinking about your saying I should blog about our recovery. I know we both worked very hard to keep “us” together. And I think it may be a bit of an inspiring tale. But I’m sure our story is more tame than most. I’m no expert on affairs. I was merely both collateral damage and a pawn in my parents’ divorce after my dads affair.
I do know it was very destructive to all involved. I wouldn’t recommend it.
But, my situation did require reconciliation, as my wife nearly left me. That being said, people working through much crazier things would likely snicker at our “troubles”. I don’t know. Not ready to go there yet. Started this to be my diary of sorts. Like I said once to you, I think it was you anyway, I never expected anyone to read this stuff, much less respond.
LikeLike
Well it’s up to you of course. Everyone’s story is different and unique. Nothing is black and white. I would add that in the affair blogging world, many would suggest you had already started an affair of sorts. Sure you only exchanged pics. But affairs start in the heart and mind, not always necessarily in the flesh. Clearly getting closer to a woman who was not your wife put your marriage in jeopardy. That kinda hits all the red flags for most betrayed spouses. I’m really happy that you woke up and made all your changes. It’s stories like those that give me hope, knowing we are on our way to an amazing marriage. I definitely think you have a story to tell there. So have a think!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Please don’t misunderstand me. I’m not trying to minimize and/or rugsweep my behavior. Believe me, we nearly divorced over it. I described what led me down that path, but I own the fact that what I did was a choice. A shitty one, but one I made, with no blame EVER cast upon my wife.
I owned it. I apologized profusely for hurting her, still do to this day. And I’ve made wholesale changes in myself. I know I betrayed her. In a way, by being so emotionally disabled for a large portion of our marriage, I’d been betraying her for years. Cheating on her with my psyche for allowing distrust, fear, even embarrassment, from letting her know the real me. I’ve loved this woman from nearly the first time I met her. I need her like I need air. It killed me the core to see her hurting, especially because it was me that caused it. But we love each other to death and we fought for us. Still are and thriving. Hearing you say others would consider an affair of sorts is another sobering reminder to continue on the path I’ve worked so hard to clear of branches and brambles. Thanks for that.
LikeLike
It may be only one box but it’s a BIG box! Not all attributes are desired equally. One of the things I worry about is if I choose to not let it destroy all the other boxes today am I really making that choice or just kicking the can down the road?
LikeLiked by 1 person
That’s a very fair point. Am I putting on blinders and rolling this box down the road, where it will feel even greater and greater? That box is huge for me. Probably one of the most critical boxes on my list now, which is why I said to him years ago that I need him to step up, be the leader…and lead our marriage and family.
He’s a first born. Naturally, he should be a leader (most first borne are). This was not lost on me when deciding on marrying him. I just think he has an incredible laid back, laziness to him which if left unchecked, becomes a cancer in our lives.
It’s a constant balancing act, of which he will readily admit is an ongoing struggle.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I understand. I’ll be watching your updates for sure ;). It’s kind of funny in that I naturally want to lead and my wife just bristles at that. Constantly pulling power away. It kills me a little everyday to not have the leadership I crave in our marriage. But it never seemed worth the fight.
LikeLike
Ooohh now that is an interesting comment. So in your affair, you were able to be the leader. But in your marriage, your wife is. Maybe that is something to ponder more about? Because if we aren’t living the roles we innately want to, our marriages won’t ever feel entirely fulfilling. Definitely something to consider.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Exactly. I’ve sort of written about this before but her responses can be quite emasculating although she does not see it that way. Wife just has to be in charge of things. She can’t let go. Even drinking she doesn’t let go. It’s crazy. I have to figuratively fight against her nature to be in control. Generally when her plan fails then I can take over.
Meredith on the other hand allows me to
LikeLiked by 1 person
Meredith allows me to be me. To be the man I was meant to be. She needs an alpha male. She pushes me to be an even better version of myself. I’m a little out of practice.
LikeLike
Sorry, didnt finish my thought before hitting “post”. Hate doing this from my phone. Ugh!
Anyway, was just saying that if you and the marriage are important to him he may want to get in gear. This post had a decidedly less positive tone than others I’d read. I hope he starts to get it. During our recovery I would tell my wife, “I’m on the clock”. Hope he puts the work in for your alls sake.
LikeLike
He IS trying. He is working on pushing past his complacency. I have seen him work harder this year than previous ones. But he believes my standards are so high (and likely they are).
I like your “I’m on the clock”–will share that with him. Things are good between us, especially considering where they have been. But this issue remains and it’s something that gets revisited every time we have a deep talk. And post affair, we’re doing that more frequently than ever before.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I used that term because it really felt like I was “working”, ya know. It wasn’t easy. I was never the most open person. I was perfectly content to be alone, hold my thoughts and feelings to myself. My work had to come in terms being open, honest, sharing things with her that I’d held close to the vest forever, including well into our marriage. Changing this about myself, about my core, took more work than I’d ever been willing to put in. That is, until it nearly led to our demise. It’s possible for someone to change themselves, from the core up. I’m proof that it’s possible. Be patient with him. I can tell this is hot button issue for you. Hopefully he addresses it, for you both.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You should blog about this you know? Not too many success stories around here. It’s pretty much cheaters vs the betrayed and I fit into both camps, yet I seem to be the only person who has told their spouse of the affair and is really working hard to rebuild their marriage. I know you haven’t had adultery hit your marriage directly, but you have gone through what sounds like something pivotal to make you want to be the best husband you can. I think people need to read more success stories from couples who have “been there” and this is what we did to create a better marriage.
There are a few bloggers whose advice I appreciate above others: Felicity and Anonyman always have sound words that sink in. The one thing I hold fast to is something Anonyman said once. “All I know is I felt better at 6 months than I did when shit hit the fan. I felt better at 1 yr than at 6 months. I felt much better at 2 yrs vs the 1 year mark.” So I appreciate the insight from the older and wiser ones, who have been down this road and can provide those glimmers of hope. You should write about how you fell in love with your wife again and what changes you made–seriously!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey, in our case there was no affair. We had suffered a tremendous tragedy when my wife’s mom was killed in a car vs train accident. It devastated us all but my wife was inconsolable. I couldn’t help her, or fix it, no matter what I tried. She drifted too far from the shore and I couldn’t help her get out of the riptide that enveloped her. She was non-present and I felt alone. I was the one who sought out anonymous conversation with someone I found on a local chatline. We exchanged pics and, of course, my wife found it. This was all about two years after her mom died. I spoke with this person one day. But it hurt my wife beyond belief and she nearly left me. In the recovery though, I decided to get to the root of why I was me and, in discussing my therapy sessions with her I learned all the issues I had that head bothered her for years and I learned how to tell her about the issues I’d always had with her. The thing is, we had a great relationship before that all went down. But because of our trouble and the subsequent work to restore us, it turned into this amazing thing. There was never a time when we didnt love each other or that we fell out of love. But the way it is now? AMAZInG! We were both on the clock because neither wanted “us” to go away.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Heard this song the other day and it reminded me of you and your husband, change, and compromise. You may have trouble finding it because they’re local but you may like it.
“Meet Me In The Middle” by The Story Sessions.
Hope all is well. Keep writing.
LikeLike
It’s an interesting conundrum, that unchecked box. That aside, given the circumstances, I applaud your strength…your willpower and commitment. Oh, and congrats on your clean bill o’ health! All told, those new running clothes must be paying dividends.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks Mr. Ordinary. Yeah the running is my consistent therapy and it’s helped immensely. However, there’s still more work to do. More processing…more letting go etc.
LikeLike
I usually don’t comment but I find your story so inspirational… however, I am so glad that you are healthy. Sometimes just hearing the C word makes our emotions go everywhere. It’s a scary situation to be in but so happy that you are able to go to your husband and open up honestly….
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m just amazed at your brutal honesty. Amazed that you can do it and that your husband can handle it. I think for many of us the thought of being that honest has crossed our minds but we know right where it would lead. Not love and forgiveness but divorce and being alone. There is something really special about your relationship. It’s a great example and I can’t stop reading your story! Also, you’ve probably heard this before but I kept picturing the momastery blog when reading this post. You two have similar styles and content.
LikeLiked by 1 person