A night like no other

It all started one evening, quite late in fact.  As I reached over to turn off the bedside light, my husband quietly said, “I have something to tell you”.  I had no idea that in that instant, my marriage would be broken forever more.  But it was.  And it has been.  In so many ways since then.

His were one night stands while on business trips abroad and closer to home.  They had actually occurred years before and this was his moment of coming clean.  “Tell me everything, start to finish” I whispered back.  And as each word lifted off his tongue, I felt something extrude out of my chest.  When I glanced up my eyes, I saw a white cloud of smoke billowing up from me, floating upward towards the darkened ceiling.  The contrast was undeniable.  I know what I saw and I know what I felt.

In that instant, my husbands voice trailed off to a slow blur of one.long.continuous.strand.of.syllables.  And I found myself staring at the smoke and realizing that it was in fact, a tangible thing.  It had been inside my heart unbeknownst to me.  I truly believe that it was the core of my heart, the core of our love dying in that very instant.  My trust, my naivety, my utter adoration and unwavering love being evicted from my heart.  Call me crazy, but I mourned the loss of that little nucleus more than anything else while in therapy.  And I wanted it back damn it.

I wish I could say the confession ended that night.  But like most confessions, it was trickled out over the course of two solid weeks.  It was brutal.  I begged and pleaded for the truth, for the whole truth.  But despite my pleas, I would be pacified each evening till my husband gained the confidence to finally divulge more.  It prolonged my pain and caused unneeded stress and anxiety, as each day I wanted to start healing.  Only I couldn’t.  Because each night, the story would change and it was like starting all over again.  Like ripping a wound back open night after night.

Simply put, it was unbearable.

 

 

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5 thoughts on “A night like no other

  1. Welcome Secret Angel. Yes I even had family members tell me it wasn’t such a big deal. That it had happened a while ago. That my husband didn’t have to tell me. Most don’t, so cut him some slack. Definitely a hard pill to swallow.

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  2. Yes, my husband’s disclosure period lasted from January 11 of this year until October 30. Not fun! Who knows if there will be more. I have certainly stopped asking questions. I am intrigued by your story. Not all marriages are meant to be.

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  3. I thought two weeks was torturous to endure his ever changing confession. I can’t even imagine having it drag out for years. That is just cruel especially if you were asking for full transparency. I can say now, sitting on both sides of this situation, it is extremely difficult revealing all that you have done. You do find yourself wanting to lessen the blow because you don’t want to hurt them further. Only that makes things worse of course.

    I revealed everything and yet I found myself days later thinking, “oh I didn’t tell him that yet.” This was not intentional or done with malice. But rather there was so much to reveal, it was difficult to recall every moment with my AP. When affairs last months or years, I think you will find confessions lasting equally as long. At least in terms of small details (which for some people matter). I have learned though, not all betrayed spouses want to know everything let alone anything.

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    1. The disclosure period was rough. I did want to know details and I asked many questions. Sometimes I got the truth, many times I did not. I know because my husband’s story changed so much. I think mostly my husband was trying to protect himself from my reaction to his revelations and his overwhelming fear that I would leave him. You definitely sit with a unique perspective. My husband had blocked a lot of his behavior out and never had feelings for the women (not that that made it any easier for me), so some of the details he frankly could not remember. For a while, I believed I was living with a monster. He was a successful, soft spoken, endearing, charismatic predator. He completed his SA first step on October 31st. That was huge for him. In being honest with himself, I also got the truth. The truth I did not get after months of begging and crying. Further proof that none of this is about me. A bitter pill to swallow knowing your husband blocked you out of a big portion of his life for 30 years.

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